Love

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In the birth of western civilization, with the early records we have of philosophy from ancient rome and greece, the philosophers discussed the different forms love took. Trying to categorize or relate a vast and complex subject – love, identify it’s forms, and convey it with language. I’m sure well before we had written records of the debate, the nature, and manifestations of love was something not just experienced emotionally, but toyed with intellectually, conceptually.

I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately, self love, love of others, romantic love, love for mankind, love of life, love of pets, love of family members, love of nature, love of ideas, love of everything, what it is to love, what is unconditional love, is there unconditional love, is some love better or preferable than other love, love love love…

There are certain themes, ideas, I have around love, that come up often for me.

One is that I love a LOT, I love love, I love people, in general, generically, I love everyone, some people may think love is too strong a word, but I feel it’s just right to describe what I’m feeling. I love the woman I hardly knew that I worked with 10 years ago, that I ran into today, and felt joy at just seeing her, knowing she’s there, the smile on her face. I find people beautiful, because I’m in love with them, some people that other people try to tell me are ‘ugly’ street people, strangers, angry people, drug addicted people, fat people, dirty people, old people, smelly people, crazy people, and some times a combination of many or even all of the above. I cry sometimes, sometimes internally, sometimes externally, when I see one of those strangers I love, hurt, lost, hugging themselves in the alley behind my house, weaving, high, heroin or crack gaunt, sores all over the body.

My mother says that when I was a little girl, I said that I would adopt dozens and dozens of kids of all ages and backgrounds and have a big family… I would literally fall in love with all the children I saw starving on the TV screens, and I wanted to make them my own family. I loved all the kids in my neighbourhood. I wanted to be everybodies friend.

I learned. My love made me naive, it made me blind, love is blind. The little girl down the street whom I loved so much from the day she moved in, we were both 5, till the last day I played with her, we were 10. That last day she told me she didn’t want to play with me any more, that she never was my friend, that she never liked me, she just hung out with me to get stuff from me, that I was stupid, and she had better friends, cooler friends… friends that could now get her more stuff than I ever could. Not a challenging feat in a material sense, considering how little money my family had. I was shocked that a girl who already got 10$ a week allowance was using me for my 1$ a month… mind you a buck bought a lot of penny candy back then. Partly now, I think she may have been using me for my ‘love’ too, I was never a doormatt, and I never played ‘sidekick’ but I gave freely of myself, and everything I had. She used her new friends too, I saw that for the first time then, the whole big ugly picture.

I think that started my awareness of the depth of my ‘unrequited’ love. I wanted to be loved and accepted by everyone, all the kids at school, in the neighbourhood, everywhere. I wanted everyone to get a long, I wanted the world to be nice, warm, loving, and accepting… and it definitely wasn’t. I had a few friends, only ever a small number from then on, I was never in the popular crowd. The people I befriended were usually the complete outcasts of the group. I felt more like them, the outcasts, than like the other kids. Externally, I fit in more with the popular crowd. I was a good looking kid, I wasn’t overweight then (I didn’t get heavier until I was in my 20’s) I never sought out modelling work, but did some as a child and as a teen because offers would keep coming my way, I was shy. People were always telling me, mostly adults, how pretty I was, that I looked like Shirley Temple, blonde curls, and my green eyes used to be sky blue when I was a kidlet. I was smart… I was a year younger than everyone because I’d already learned all the school books from my brothers and sisters up to grade two at home when I was 4, so my parents pushed to have me start earlier, they felt if I went in at the regular age, I would be even further ahead, and was worried I would be too bored in school. I also was the fastest in sprinting in track and field, and I was a good artist, I won a number of drawing contests, I lead the school chior. Most of the popular kids were good at stuff, but it didn’t seem to do the same magic for me. For a while I tried doing poorly at things, and that never worked for me either. I was never a competitive kid, I could care less whether I got first, second or last in anything.

When I was very little, my elderly grandmother loved to play cards, but her mind wasn’t so good anymore as it once was. She was in actual fact, rather senile then. She was a very competitive woman, and she prided herself on her card playing ability. She was always wanting to play cards with everyone, all the time, myself included.

I remember my mother taking me aside, and explaining, that to my grandmother, it was very important to win, that for her winning meant she was still capable, important, and well. That normally when you play with people, you should just do your best, and have fun, but with grandmother, what was best was to make sure that she won. That some of the time, you won more, by losing.

I thought.. “yeah, I can do that”

So I did, I threw all my card games with her. The big smile, the smug satisfaction on the face of that old lady that I loved so much, her absolute delight in winning, the sparkle in her eye, her one big joy in life, playing cards… and winning. That was something I could give her, and that I ‘won’ far more by ‘losing’ than I ever could had I technically won. Because it wasn’t about the game, it was about the love. It was not about pity, it was not about love, pure and simple, taking joy in the joy of another. A deep and meaningful, bonding, emotional connection.

I think I learned one of my first major life lessons about love over playing cards with my elderly grandmother. I didn’t even really like the particular game she liked to play. I didn’t really like the game, I was throwing the game, I was losing the game, and I was getting SO much out of it. The absolute joy inside of watching her come alive, bringing her so much pleasure, It’s indescribable. I realized that we all have a special power, and many people completely take it for granted, they don’t see how it works, and they miss out. They figure in order to ‘win’ they’ve got to like the game, and reach the goal of the game. They completely miss out that the ultimate point of any game, is to have fun, and a lot of time, the people who focus mostly on the technical details, thinking that if they get those down just right… then they’ll be happy, are always struggling for the happy part.

Someone the other day, was talking about how they just didn’t get the whole adult baby thing I do with my adult baby. That the whole thing, the diapers, the age play as an infant, just doesn’t ‘turn them on’. You know what… it doesn’t turn me on either. it’s not my favorite game. But like the situation with my grandmother, it’s not about the game. The fact is, it what it is. People come into your life, people surround you all the time, you can spend your entire life, looking for ‘just the right people’ and rejecting the rest, you can spend your entire life trying to do ‘just the right things’ and likely you’ll be spending most of your life doing just that… trying. Reaching. Rather than being. The game just happens to be whatever it is. Why not take as much joy in that, as you can?

I’ve had friends in the past, whom I’ll go out for lunch with, and things are always wrong, the service is slow, the food is cold, the order was wrong, the fork was dirty. They don’t focuse on what went right. I love going out with Wolfe for food, and it doesn’t matter how long it takes, it never matters, if we miss the movie, we miss the movie, it’s not the end of the world. If the food is cold, we enjoy it cold. There was one sushi restaurant we went to and they ALWAYS got our order wrong, we always got something totally different than what we ordered. We went back over and over again, the food was great, the prices were reasonable, and what we were getting for dinner was always a surprise. As far as dirty cutlery goes, depending on the type of dirt… I’m perfectly capable of wiping off a fork well, or reaching over to the nearest empty table to nab another clean one. Some people will say “well that’s not the point… I go to a restaurant and I want/expect… blah blah blah”…. what I always think in my head is…”well that’s not the point… I want to -enjoy- my life, every minute of it, including the 60 I’m going to spend in this restaurant, and I don’t want my enjoyment to be conditional on every little thing, or on ‘perfection’ or even a near semblence of it…” My point is always that what is, is what is, and you can be pissed off and do something about, you can be happy and do nothing about, or be happy and do something about it. But why ‘choose’ to be pissed off? I always give myself a reality check. I’m not starving in a third world country, I’m in a restaurant. Compared to what millions of other people have, my very worst lunch, would be 100 times better than their very best lunch. So when my slow rude waitress brings me the wrong food, cold, I smile, and I think how incredibly lucky I am. Life could be worse… I could be the slow rude waitress, or the miserable business man complaining at her from the next table.

Back to my adult baby girl…. Adult Baby play was never my thing. It was just something that happened. I met jOni, and we developed a casual friendship. She was sharing with me how much she had searched for and longed for a ‘Mommy’. I thought a lot about her Infantilism, about her need for mothering, nurturing. I thought a lot about my own need to be mothered and nurtured, and my own trials I’ve had in my relationship with my own mother. I almost envied her Infantilism, in that I thought here is someone who has the option at least, of really regressing and allowing themselves to be re-parented. To relive a happy childhood, to customize it, to be a child in their heart and let all that love in. The love that I so much wanted and tried to give when I was a child. I’m not an Adult Baby, and I’m not an infantilist. I can’t bring my spirit back to infancy and emerse myself with a surrogate adult Mommy. I looked at jOni’s Infantilism, and I thought, she has a gift, she can be both the adult man that her body represents, and a baby girl. She has the ability to put herself in this small, submissive, infantile, trusting, place, where she can feel completely free, safe, and loved. It was only missing one thing for it to happen for her… a Mommy.

Some people would think my motivation would come from wanting to be a Mother, wanting to nurture, just like most people would think that you would play a game of rummy to try and win, or at least do your best. I guess in a round about way, it was, and is, ultimately about nurturing jOni, I wouldn’t call it a maternal drive per se, … just love.

It was as simple as with my grandmother, jOni explained her life, her hopes and dreams, and I simply thought “yeah… I can do that” I had total empathy for how much it was going to mean to her in the scope of her life. Something so simple for me to do, and so big for the other person. So little for me to give, for such a huge payback to the other. jOni doesn’t ‘demand’ much out of an Adult Baby – Mommy relationship. All she wants, is a little love, nurturing, someone to just let her be, let her be her little self with. What I get out of it, is watching another person get to be truly alive, the sparkle in the eye, the pure joy.

The question for some may be why, but for me it’s why not?

Could I have found a play partner who was younger? more conventionally attractive? had kink interests closer to my own? most definitely. But the thing is is jOni can give me something that likely those others couldn’t. Those young conventionally attractive subbies with more mainstream kinks are going to find what they want, somewhere, maybe lots of places, with lots of people, maybe often. jOni has been looking for something hard to find for a long time, Mommies for adult babies are not easy to come by, I may have been her only chance, If I hadn’t of decided to engage in this particular relationship with jOni, it may never have happened for her. It’s not a put down to jOni, it’s just the reality, there are more people who identify as infantilists and Adult Babies, than those who want to Mother them. What she gives me is the joy of knowing that I’ve made a difference in someones life. That the role I have -is- truly special. Is it pity, no, is it charity, no. Mother’s who adopt special needs children don’t do so because they pity the child, they do it because they love children, and they know that the bottom line is a child is a child, and you can love a conventionally imperfect one as much as conventionally perfect one. The difference is the ‘perfect’ child, will have a line up of prospective parents waiting for it, the special child may only have you, and that when you chose to bring them into your life, you are taking a path less followed, and in doing that you are creating love in the world that may not otherwise have ever existed. You are filling a potential void.. with love. You are tipping the cosmic scales. It’s not a gift that you give, it’s one you get to recieve. That love is just waiting, begging to happen, longing to be, just waiting for someone to step up to the plate.

Am I special.. not particularly, is jOni, not particularly, not anymore than we all are – spectacularly special, all of us. Sometimes we feel small and powerless, but love, love is a powerful thing, and it can move through us, if we let it, and lead us to wonderful discoveries, so we are special, spectacularly special, because we can love.

I’m almost done, just a few more things connected to this. I’ve met another adult baby recently, well a number of them actually, the particular young man in question is in a situation that a lot of adult babies find themselves in. He’s in a long term relationship with a woman who is in complete denial of his Infantilism, thinks it’s sick and wrong, is not willing to be educated around it, has no tolerance, and insists that he simply not do it. Infantilism, like transvestism, is a paraphillia, slightly more enmeshed in personal identity than a fetish, it is a part of ones personality structure that is a part of the foundation of who a person is. Forget all the icky psychobabble labels, they make it all to clinical, the bottom line is, it’s a part of a person, like their eye colour, and it’s not going anywhere. This guy is very attractive, intelligent, sensitive, caring, loving and loyal. His whole person just resonates ‘good people’ you know the type, you just know he’s a really good person. Here she has the opportunity to do something so simple, to just accept, and love, this very lovable person, unconditionally. Instead, she loves him conditionally, the condition being that he not be himself. First of all, uh, not possible, secondly, what’s the goal here again? The woman is in a fine dining establishment, this guy ( I apolgize in advance ) is the most amazing dish, he’s got it all going for him, 100% prime grade A, and she’s focused on some little elements of presentation and a side dish she’s not so keen on! Grab a brain and a heart lady!!! What you want to throw this one back or drive him away to replace him with something that might look a little more palatable to you but has zippo nutritional value? There are a lot worse challenges to potentially deal with in a relationship besides a paraphillia or a fetish? I hear this from women who are traumatized when they find out their partner cross dresses as well… I feel like screaming at them and shaking them! The worst thing about your partner is that you have to share your clothes with them?!?! oh no! they like to shop with you! you poor dear! Oh my god! his favorite colour is pink!!!! you poor thing!!! the horror!!!! I’d like to take some oppressed Muslim woman in full purdah whose husband beats her for walking less than 20 paces behind him in public and do a freaky friday brain-body switcheroo for a couple of weeks.

I guess it’s an old cliche… but count your blessings. I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual, and I use the term blessings in terms of just being grateful for whatever brand and mix of chance and/or fate you believe in, thank the universe, your god(s) and/or goddess(es), or what have you, for what is, the love that you can bring to it, and the joy you can take it in, and those you can share it with.

Live in Love
Leila

Giving birth…

Leaving the summer behind…

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Well, It’s raining outside, and it feels fantastic. After months of an unbearably hot appartment that has had multiple fans going non-stop and all windows and doors thrown open to try to keep it as manageable as possible, I am now sitting in a pleasantly cool room this evening.

Fall is my favorite time of year, and I’m happy to be leaving the hot summer sunshine behind me. So I thought the above pic with the sun in the window at my back, was somehow appropriate… walking from the doorway of one season into another.

In the province that I live in, BC Canada, we’ve had terrible forest fires this summer, with many families losing their homes, farms, forests and family homes, burned to cinder, and everyday, people watching and hoping for the weather to shift. Man hasn’t been able to put the fires out, and the phrase we hear over and over, is we’ll have to wait for nature to do it. The rain is only just starting to fall, not enough to put out forest fires… but it’s a start.

The air feels cleaner to me already though. The smell of wet earth and pavement that has been hot and dry week after week after week gets a special smell you only get with summertime rain, particularly at the very end of it. It always seems that wet on the season intensifies the natural smell… kind of like the wet dog phenomenon. Except the smell of -everything- all together wet in the city, and in the forests, and in the inbetween places, has a special smell all it’s own, and it changes, depending on the time of year, the type of rain. Later the rain well make the air smell distinctly sweet as the fall leaves shed everywhere, city and suburb alike, will fall onto sidewalks and pathways, and trodden underfoot, the decaying scent of leaves makes the air smell sweet, rich, and heady, earthy and mulchy.

It must come from growing up on the west coast of Canada, literally in cities built out of rainforests. I’ve grown up with the rain… I love it.

It’s like a warm grey blanket that wraps the sky when the clouds come in. The skies look like pale grey blue cashmere to my eyes… I feel comforted by the hazey drizzled skyscapes. Sunny days and snow storms are magical, but slightly confusing events and when they linger for more than a few days, more than a few weeks, without a rainy interuption, start to feel oppressive to me, and I long for a rainy day, or two, or four.

One of my simplest and fondest childhood memories are of my mother cooking spaghetti on rainy days, and since we were such a big family, it was always a huge pot of noodles boiling on the stove. The steam created would fog up all the windows in the whole house… and it was a big house! It seemed amazing to me that condensation turning all the black night sky windows into instant drawing boards, where as I knew as I couldn’t repress my fingers from tracing faces and letters in the wet.

I also love the fall for the clothes. I love clothes, and fall means layering clothes, and traditional fall clothing colours are always my favorite clothing colours, my love of charcol grey, black, red, chocolate brown, and other assorted neutrals and warm earthy colours look more in place. I also have excuses to wear my favorite accessories, kid leather gloves and hats! I love gloves and hats.

Last week I had a tailor re-hem some of my fall clothes that needed adjustments, turn a ripped red pleather dress into a long red pleather skirt. Turn a ripped long black pleather skirt into a short one. Turn a value village long plaid wool skirt into a short school-girlish one. All in preperation for fall dressing.

Today I went shopping with my Adult Baby T-girl jOni, and a an Adult Baby boy, and we shopped for adult diapers and some clothes, mostly for the baby boy, as he was in desperate need of his own brand of comfort clothes this fall. Next week he’ll be coming back over and hanging out with jOni and I, and I’ll take some photos.

We also had a nice little lunch together, and we also went to Value Village, so ‘Mommy’ got to do some shopping of her own! (that’s me!) I found a great short knit charcoal skirt, and a FABULOUS red and black boa that has ostrich feathers in it, it’s amazing. Indescribable, I’ll have to take pictures of it – I KNOW I’ll take pictures of it. They were only charching 10$ for it, and I swear the number of exotic feathers in this beauty are worth five times that alone, never mind the construction gone into the thing, it uses three types of feather. I lopped a small bit of the end to trim one of my hats with, and it’s going to get attached to some fetish ensemble at a party soon, very soon, I hope. I may have to go out this weekend just so I have a chance to wear it.

I’ve been so lax in writing, that there are a million things I could talk about. It’s not just being lax though, I’ve also been out of town a lot. From LA to Gabriola, to visiting my family in Victoria. I think I’ve spend more time away from home than at home over the last month, at least it seems that way.

I’ve been talking oodles of pics, of myself, of other people, fetish pics, standard erotica… etc.

I’ve been stable in terms of my mood disorder, though still have to avoid stressors, and have days were I’m housebound, or limited in my activities.

I went to a lovely wedding of a very nice local couple that we’ve recently struck up a friendship with, and hope to get more social with.

I’ve been fantasizing about trying to do some other erotic art work on a larger scale, and contemplating entering some work in the International erotic art show that happens in Seattle. I’m nervous about it though… yet at the same time, feeling the pull to do it. I want to work with some of my photos, have them printed onto canvas, and then work into them further with various other media.

Wolfe and I have been daydreaming a lot about moving to a larger home and starting my little dream BDSM/Fetish resort spot… but it will be a number of years before that can happen yet still financially. We go back and forth weekly on whether or not to put laminate flooring down over our concrete floors, or just buy a larger oriental rug, or do neither, and take all the saved pennies and put them towards the mortage on our little condo. It’s not a pressing decision, as there aren’t enough saved pennies yet to really have to think about acting on it!

Someone in Washington state is selling an Adult Baby Crib and a stroller, which I want, but probably can’t afford, and perhaps more, or at least equally, importantly, have no place to store!

Well, that’s all for me for now, because talking about buying things has started that little yen I get now and then to browse ebay…

I hope, now that some grey skies may be coming this way more and more oft, that I will also be writing more in keeping with that.

I was going to originally, when I started writing this entry, talk about some of my feelings around my body weight and image, and some failed ‘diet’ attempts (why oh why) as of late, and in part the images that I chose to go in this entry where in part around that… but really, I guess I got of into better places…

I’ll eventually come back around to it, I’m sure, after all, it’s not hard to see that I’m one to really lay everything out in the open.

“You must have chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.”—Friedrich Nietzsche

Gabriola Island, off again, back again.

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Made last minute plans the day after I came back from LA, tuesday, to go over to one of the smaller gulf Islands with Wolfe and spend some time with my baby girl. We brought Iggy Piggy, and had a nice relaxing few days there, and just got back in today.

The ocean was beautiful, I did emerse myself in it, but didn’t really swim, just soaked in the shallows, and enjoyed watching Iggy swimming, fetching his squeaky ball in the waves. He loves to swim, and he loves his squeaky ball.

Other fun things were building some sand sculptures, cooking, visiting the local pub and catching the sunset, and spending time together with Wolfe, and with my AB. We did a whack of photos of all kinds while we there too, indoor, but inspired by the cabin/summer house where we were staying, which had interesting architecture and furnishings that gave me lots of ideas for images.

Keeping it brief, as I want to launch a new members area to my sites for the ageplay adult baby infantilism stuff I’ve been doing lately.

XOX
Leila

Home again, home again.

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Welp, just got in this evening back from LA and the HBO shoot for their real sex segment on adult babies. I thought over-all it went really well. I got to meet a great group of people, got a little shopping in, and I think the producer for the most part, did a good job of it. I don’t think it’s airing until winter, but they will be sending me a tape at some point as well.

It was all a little surreal, flying out, filming most of the weekend, and flying back. I wish I would have had more time there, to explore the city more. Who knows maybe they’ll have me back for another topic area some time. That would be fun.

It’s a short one tonight, I’m bagged.

XOX
Leila

HBO Real Sex segment on Adult Babies, becoming a Mommy, and more.

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Well life as usual, has been interesting, to say the least. Since I became involved (non-sexual) with an Adult Baby in a Dommie Mommie role, and have planned a birthing scene, (for later today no less), life has been pretty interesting.

Besides the usual down days from my depression which keep me limited, I’ve in the inbetween times been up to odds and ends, mostly working on the new Age Play, adult baby, website I’ve been doing, Dark Nursery.

Through that website, someone looking for participants for a segment on Adult Babies for the HBO real sex series, got a hold of me and invited me to participate. I agreed, and I’m heading out to L.A. to film in a big adult baby house party setting next weekend. I’m pretty hyped about that, and hoping I’ll have some time to shop for big girl clothes while I’m down there. When I travelled to Chicago some years ago for my residency requirement for the Masters program in psych that I was doing at the time, I didn’t have hardly any time to shop, but did discover, that ‘regular’ stores in the mall carried sizes all the way into the plus range. Here in Canada, other than a couple of very large department stores that carry everything for everyone. Clothing stores are ‘segregated’ into regular size stores, and plus size stores. With limited stores and selection for big women. So, I’m crossing my fingers! Shopping is fun fun fun. I just hope that the area they put me up in the hotel isn’t too far from cheapo stores… cause I’m a cheapo girl.

Speaking of cheapo, I had recently bought a long red leather dress on Ebay for a steal, and loved it so much, I had to order another one in black, it arrived today – it’s been a good week! Yesterday I bought another dress on ebay, this one a black and red silk asian mini dress… grrrr…. purrrrr… sexy clothes that fit me perfect, I love it. I’m now going to try and wean myself off of ebay shopping for a time, because I simply cannot afford to buy any more clothes (other than what I’ve budgeted for LA) I’m also pretty set for fall/winter clothes now, so I shouldn’t need to buy anything for quite some time. It’s a good feeling. For me, it’s really important, when I’m not feeling great about myself, or I’m feeling bad about all my weight gain (damn medications!!!!!) That I’m dressed really well, and looking put together, can sometimes make all the difference in the world. It can be just enough to give me that little boost. (Nothing like leather to give you a boost).

So today is a special day for me in another way as well. As I mentioned earlier, today is the day where I have my birthing scene with my Adult Baby girl. It’s the first ‘marker’ in this age-play relationship of major significance. It marks a commitment to one another for a D/s relationship of a special kind. It marks me embracing and honouring the role of an Ageplay Mommy. It’s a time of reflection for me, to look at a phase of life that perhaps I am entering on a larger scale. That of nurturing, and contribution. That over all I am entering a stage of my life, that hopefully will continue on well into the future, where I am able to give something back to community over all. The psychologist Erickson who identified a series of psycho-social stages of human development labelled one of the stages of life Generative vs Stagnation, said do start/develop between the ages of 25-50. Generativity is described as the ability to be productive and creative in any area of life, especially those that have to do with raising the next generation of people. According to Erickson, although this is often done through parenthhod, simply having children is neither necessary nor is it sufficient to be generative. A person who does not find a way to be generative is said to experience stagnation (a sense of “going nowhere”).

I feel that I have been a very creative person, and someone who has given back to society and community throughout my life, but it feels like this is becoming more and more a focus in my life as time goes on, and I feel in part, that the ‘re-birthing’ I’ll be sharing with my girl today is more than just the birth of acknowledging our roles with one another, but also acknowledging her Adult baby self in it’s indepencence/dependency, and my role as a generative spirit.

XOX
Leila.

The wonderful and world famous Peter Throckmorten

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Our dear friend Peter from Seattle popped in on us today. We had a short, but lovely visit. Had some late breakfast/lunch together, and then meandered about to do a little shopping. It was nice to catch up a bit, and always a pleasure to get his big warm bear hugs. We went through China town, and the sweetie bought me a beautiful little Japanese style ceramic candle holder, with cut outs to let the light through. We checked out a couple of my favorite shops, including the acupuncture/pressure store, which sells all kinds of fun things that can be used for nefarious kinky purposes. It’s where both Peter, and I, on seperate past occasions, picked up cupping sets – a form of old chinese therapy where cups are suction attached to your skin and draw toxins from your flesh – literally giant hickey makers. If you have them on hard and long enough, your pores ‘bleed’ into them – fun fun fun! They also sell tens units, they sell them for pain relief, I use them for electro-stim fun! Something I dearly want to purchase in the future. I also want to buy these bundles of rattan sticks they have for ‘impact massage’ but Wolfe persuaded me to wait for another day, where we have a little more fundage to spare. Then we walked through the gardens in China Town, beautiful, and made our way back to the loft together. Then Peter graciously allowed me to photograph him again – snapping pics always makes me happy.

So that’s made two days going ‘out’ in a row, not bad, hopefully I can keep it up into the week, and not downslide into depressionville too quickly again.

XOX
Leila

Sin City was a bit dull

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So did end up going over to Sin City, the fetish event across the street. Maybe I’m getting old, or maybe it’s the depression, but I get bored quickly at fetish events that don’t have alot of play. I guess more specifically if I’m not playing, and the play area they have is small and restrictive – so I rarely play there. I find usually it’s two hours, and I’m ready to go. I’ve had a chance to see all the different fetish outfits, puruse anything the vendors have for sale… and, I’m ready to go home, watch saturday night live, and order pizza. So was Wolfe, so that’s what we did.

I did get a lot of inspiration for fetish gear that I would like to make/get, so I think in some ways it’s good to get the creative juices going, but, I could surf the net for the same inspiration, and not pay 10 bucks a piece for two cover charges, buy some very expensive pop, and make brief conversation with the people I know. I also end up jonesing for the opportunity to photograph half of the really wicked looking people, but don’t have the motivation to approach them about it.

So Wolfe and I sit, chat, discuss the view, sip our drinks, mine non-alcholic, his the indulgence, and then around the same time, we’re ready to head, the long trip across the street home.

I did get to wear my new leather dress, and I think the best thing about that was just the smell of leather enveloping me for a couple of hours… yummy.

XOX
Leila

Using Grey Matter

Katt Post in General
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Well, I’ve finally switched by journal over to using this software… grey matter allows me to just log in, write, and post, so I’m hoping that it will encourage me to start writing more again. I’ve been having a weird week. Been having enough depression/anxiety to keep me house bound all week, but thankfully not enough to totally encapacitate me, which means I’ve been able to do stuff from home anyways.

I’m trying to perk myself up to go to Sin City tonight, it’s a local fetish event at a night club that is literally right across the street from me, it doesn’t get much more convenient than that!

I ordered this amazing red leather dress off of ebay, and I need an excuse to wear it! I have already worn it for some photos we did the other day, but I can’t wait to get into it again. The person making them is discontinuing this particular item, and moving into only makng pvc things. They were selling the last few of them they had, and they had them in black too. I convinced Wolfe to let me order another one in black, and I can’t wait. It’s a long dress, that has a two way zipper, from top to bottom in the front, so you can pick how low a neckline you want, and how high a slit. It’s fitted really well, with long sleeves, and two low zipper pockets. It fits me well, and I could even wear it as a coat layered over a thin under layer. Only 100$ US, and only 11$ for the shipping, that’s only 175$ Canadian. – We can’t even buy that much leather locally of that quality – it’s beautiful soft garment leather, feels like lambskin, for that price. In Canadian dollars, 175$, which is what my tailor made by the least expensive tailor in town I could find, long dress made of pvc cost me, with the pvc itself being on sale. So it was a have to have, if I lose weight, I’ll have them taken in, they’re spectacular.

One of my other great clothing finds was a ‘school girl uniform’ last time I was at value village, many days ago now. I picked up a plaid skirt in my size, it’s too long, but that’s an easy hemming job, then picked up a white shirt, and waltzed over to the mens ties and picked a tie to match the skirt. I don’t know why I haven’t done it sooner, I’ve been looking at the school girl uniforms for sale in adult stores and stuff, and cringing at the cost, silly me!

Ah well, enough from me… going to post this thing and run off to other places in the cyber ether.

XOX
Leila

new clix graphic

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Time for a new ‘Clix’ graphic soon… It’s been a while since I’ve had a bright red mohawk. Probably by the time I get around to changing the graphic, my hair will have changed again. I’m still in the process of growing it out right now. Grow it out, and then shave it all off again at some point, is the most likely thing to happen.

I’ve neglected my journal for the longest stretch of time in a while. For a couple of reasons, I spent most of the week last week out of town, over on the Island visiting my parents, and my sister and her family. Had a good time there. Playing cards with Wolfe and my parents – hand and foot, which is a version of Canasta. Second hand store shopping – found a cute baby bonnet that’s big enough for the biggest headed adult. Swimming in my sisters backyard pool, and generally, just taking it easy. Also visited with a lovely Adult Baby who lives on the Island, Puppy, who has his own nursery – it’s all decorated in 101 Dalmatians and Spot themes. We took some photos while we were there, but mostly got to know Puppy a little better. He seems like a real sweetie, I’m hoping to go spend a longer play and photo time in the fall. Also met an Island Domme – Mistress Cat, and since I go by Mistress Katt, it was interesting, another very warm, and pleasant person, who I hope to get to know better.

Wolfe and I also made a trip to the cemetery while we there, and shot some interesting erotic Goth pics among the grave stones, bound and blindfolded laying on graves, straddling headstones, climbing corpse fed trees, and general naughty mayhem – they turned out quite well, I’m rather pleased with them.

While we were gone, I missed the ups delivery of a new red leather dress I bought on ebay, it was an absolute steal, and my size. They are going to re-deliver it, but I won’t get it till next week, which is a bit of a bummer, because it’s the pride weekend here, and there are play parties and leather events galore.

We went to a play party last night, the BIO one, and are thinking of going to another tonight, though this morning, I don’t really feel like it. I played with Wolfe last night, which means I bottomed, and my bottom is lovely and sore, black and blue in places. I got to wear a brand new outfit that I made from vintage thrift store scraps. I received a lot of compliments on it. I will definitely be doing a photo shoot or two in it, so images will show up here at one point or another. I can’t ‘sew’ worth a damn, but it’s put together from various garments and hand stitched. Too much bother to describe right now, as my attention span is being pulled away from the journal entry and off into plans for a lazy day.

More soon, I hope.

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