It’s a jumble now, as I try to sort it all out in my head, the mix of thoughts, experiences, on all the different levels they happened. I know there was so much going on in me, and much of it unconscious. I’m trying to plumb that stuff in my head around the rope around what I’m really doing. Energy work. Looking for a conduit for creation, creativity, energy, life, joy, hope, strength, freedom, play, maybe love. Maybe love is just hope, lots and lots of hope.
I walked in wondering if my body would betray me. That was the fear, and lots of wonderful hopes and anticipations bubbling everywhere, but crawling in the dark places, pushed down by my carefully painted face and scented body was the tension. The dark wounds and desires that makes what it is we do what it is we really do.
Power, control, primal, edge… no… just simple rope. Right?.
Small talk and polite normal conventional words and items filled the room, but I’d catch the pure thread of talk on the microcosmic level between us of things your mind can’t wrap solid around. Chemical scent, biology, psychology, spirituality.. all that stuff, what labels you want to hang on my core exploring your core using whatever tools nature and experience has provided us under neath the surface.
Next thing that’s clear is the puddles of red rope on the floor. How I love red. The red rope sizzles and sparkles in my eyes, red is blood is life is energy, and the rope is heavy with it. Handled and loved rope.
The hands that start reaching and exploring wrapping by torso are strong and experienced. They are confident yet exploring, gathering information about my body, the rope is an extension of hands and fingers that grab and touch me taking my measure as it works me into it’s symmetry.
I also get information back through the rope about the owner of the strong hands… interesting information.
Levels are happening around me, things on the surface, clear, things underneath, visible, but elusive, known, but with mysterious corners.. thinking of the kittens sliding under my bedcovers, curious dangerous lumps in the fabric of my being.
I had pain in my back from sitting cross legged on the floor, and my broken naughty body complained, all the muscles in my back had been whining. Now the firm rope has created structure, and taken weight from muscles. In a wave, in a soft moment, all the pain has melted away. There one moment then gone, I listen completely to my body and relax in the chest harness as it becomes anchored above me and I let it take the burden of the weight of my body from me. Inside a part of me cries with joy. It brings a tear to my eye now to recall it.
Looking up along the tower of rope climbing from my chest I see many things. I wonder at how heavy the rope is woven coming from my chest. Gemini I am I keep all my tension and all my secrets there, rib cage and spine upper back, heart, chest. Thick red climbing from above my heart into the above.
I have a memory, Elementary school gym class. Looking up, the knotted rope. Everyone is supposed to climb the rope. I cannot climb the rope. What is wrong with me? what is wrong with my body. No, I wasn’t a fat child, I was a thin little girl. I don’t think I was particularly weak. The rope is impossible. I struggle with it going no where. There is so much shame. I am unpopular. None of the popular children like me. I am terrified. Maybe if I could climb the rope I could be acceptable. I want to climb the rope. What if my body fails me.
I haven’t been suspended yet. I have no pain right now. What if as soon as I try to get ‘up’ my body will betray me. What if there is pain, weakness? What if I will be rejected?…
I’m off the floor, and I’m being lifted, I’m being cradled, I’m suspended. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t climb the rope then, that I didn’t climb it alone now. It’s okay to trust others to help lift you up. Sometimes there are things we cannot do alone. I let the idea fill me, that it doesn’t matter if you can climb the rope or not. It only matters that there are people who will help you try, who will help pull you up, support you, guide you. However, you have to seek them out, you have to ask, and you have to trust.
Sensations, lots, so much to process. Rope is touching and caressing, biting and holding many parts of me. Most of it is very gentle and very firm. Very little discomfort. Things happen… an arm turns purple quick and has to be liberated. My limbs are arranged and shifting around me.
Everything is fluid, and there is a lot going on. That and my mind is floaty hazy now and I just want to feel. Not much thinking, just feeling where my body is in space, where the rope is, where Oni is. I feel him in the rope and tentatively in his own body, hands, and occasionally eyes and torso. Some awkward moments, as I’m fumbling with control.
The buzz in my body and my mind has built and it energizes me, making me feel joyful, which makes me feel feisty and playful and a bit toppy. I wish my body was stronger, I want to climb the rope. I imagine myself pulling myself up and over the suspension frame and hanging over it like a jungle cat looking for prey. It’s not going to happen, nice daydream, but the body is old, heavy, and weak.. and also all tied up.
I feel Oni moving away, or maybe I have pushed away, he has been very respectful and gentle, sensual, and sweet, and strong. I shift my body in the ropes turning sideways. Oni looks surprised. That expression on his face makes me thrill, I want to bring something different to him. Make a gift of me as well. Giving surprises is fun. Encouraged, and playful, though worried a little about offending, I work my legs free. I realize I could completely escape if I wanted to. I don’t want to. I shift back into the chest harness and let Oni adjust it back to center again. Though my legs are free now. We play some more hanging in the harness… My mind is soft now, and my memories from the rest of the evening and coming down are speckly.
There’s much more, but those are the bulk of the conscious parts.
I know there’s more to come as well, another date with rope… or perhaps it’s a date with Oni.. I don’t know. I don’t know if I have any ‘intentions’ yet besides exploration… I wonder if Oni is pondering any intentions.. I’m not too worried about it. I don’t need to process it too much consciously, I’m okay with just letting things unfold. Wu wei