What the hell was I thinking, which is most of what is going through my mind lately. I don’t really want to get into the hows and whys of it, because I don’t want to make out my boy (ex-boy?) as some evil being, he’s just a regular 20 something guy, making regular 20 something ‘whoops’ I guess I shouldn’t of done that eh? Kind of things. Problem is, they’re kind of the whoops that blows my ability to have trust in the relationship sky high out of the water. So here I am, taking a recovering period from it all, in the ‘what the hell was I thinking’ mode. Trying not to do my typical blaming myself thing, which from Wolfe, and his girl, is insane, and even the boy is clear that he is the one that screwed up big time. Having an open honest safe poly relationship to me, does not mean planning in advance to spend the day and night in a hotel with an out of town women you had a one night stand with not that long ago, that was at that time cheating on your monogamous parnter, and woops, just not telling me. I call that lying by omission, see, I am a non-jealous non monogamous person, if he had told me, at the planning stage, hey, this girl, the one I told you about, is coming into town, and she wanted to know if I could spend the night with her.. I would have asked some questions I thought were important, like ‘does she know about me?’ and are you sure you can have safe sex with her? etc, etc. Since I have this idea that it’s not cool to fool around with the monogamous folk when you’re playing around with the poly folk. I don’t think it would be fair to her. Though mostly I feel the situation was a big bust for me. This is not the first violation of trust. The boy has a habit of not lying, but just conveniently forgetting to tell me about stuff that’s pretty important.

At any rate, I’ve decided to give myself a break and figure out what I’m going to do with the situation. I feel like so far in the relationship, I’ve given a whole hell of a lot of myself, and not really gotten back what I deserve, particularly in the respect department.

So any WELL behaved local (Vancouver) subby bottoms looking for a loving and devoted Domme that you know how to be honest with. I’m the nicest really mean sadist I know. I just want someone that is not afraid to give me all they’ve got, and then some.

Speaking of which, we are thinking of moving into a larger place, like renting a house for the fall, If between now and then I find a very compatible subby to live in with, that may be cool. At the least, I’m going to build dungeon space, and start doing some more from home play…. purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Life is not all bad, mind you, you know those steps involved in the grieving process. Well, right now I’m firmly in denial. Boy? what boy? did I have a boy? The ringer on the phone is off most of the time, Wolfe is screening calls otherwise, I’m not checking mail from him, I’ve maxed up my meds to what my psychiatrist calls the crisis level, and hoping that when the anger stage hits, it blows over quickly. I spend the last two days crying, I can’t do that anymore. It’s impossible to work on the computer when your eyes get so puffy they’re half swollen shut.

I’m not too worried about him reading this, Wolfe blocked his IP addy from reaching any of our sites, I just needed the privacy. I honestly feel that I’ve been used for a while, and I need a break from feeling like he’s not continuing to use me.

What a pathetic Domme I am, I just want someone to love AND torture.

XO
Leila

We’ve had a record hot summer here, and it’s been a record for me getting hot sweaty and skanky for day after day after day. I’m starting to seriously look forward to the fall. Had a little dip in my mood today that I rectified with a bit of a shopping spree. I really needed a couple of new bras and some panties, tank tops, those are kind of my staple ‘undergarments’ and then I had bought this pink shawl like poncho in a very fine lacy style weave, and decided, sure, why not buy them in every other color they make, being blue, white, and black. Considering I came home with 3 shawl/ponchos, 5 tank tops, 2 bras, and 5 undies, I don’t feel too bad for blowing a 138$ bucks. Thank you Army and Navy!

Had a serious talk with Wolfe recently, about me needing to do more for myself, my own care needs, making my own meals, helping with housework. It’s become second nature for both of us for him just to do it. But it’s not good for either of us, or our relationship. I don’t have good self esteem when I just manipulate into not doing anything. It’s a very damaging thing, depression or not, I have to do as much as I can for my own self care. It’s been challenging. I’ve had to find a new family Dr. as ours of several years is leaving her practice, and, I have to find a new psychiatrist because mine has moved so far away. It’s left me feeling a little lost in terms of medical support around my depression. We go to see our new Dr. next week, and have some referrals in to some psychiatrists from our old Dr., and maybe our new Dr. will also have some recommendations.

Sex has been a happy thing for me lately, it seems my drive is coming back… so far my trying to have an orgasm a day has been pretty ‘bang on’ so to speak, I have had a day without, but I’ve also had a day with two . It doesn’t hurt that I have an amazingly talented and sexy husband, a gorgeous and talented sexy boyfriend, and that I get to play with the sweet sexy little girl toy that my hubby has…
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Welp, I’m a seriously behind in website work, loads and loads of photos to edit for future updates.

XO
Leila

Thanks for your comment Danielle, it’s nice to know people are reading, considering I haven’t written for so long! Unfortunately my place doesn’t look exactly like a sultans harem room… but I do plan on having one some day, would that make me a sultanette? I love figs and dates, and honey, so I don’t think I could go wrong on that end of things. I prefer figs fresh and ripe than dried though, they are one of my favorite fruits. When I get property some day, and have a home with a harem room, I also plan on having fig trees which do grow quite well in BC Canada here, and produce a lot of very yummy fruit.

Being a serviced oriented Domme, I have always enjoyed the concept that one day I will have a household with a live in, or two, or ten, to attend me. I always like to dream up various, well, accomodation styles for various types of submissives, and one of the rooms I would like to have would be what I think of as the harem room. Basically a floor entirely padded, lots of silk saris used to create a tent like effect through draping over ceiling and walls, multiple blankets and sheets of silk and satin with an adjoining shower/bath room. I’d install a split door, the kind that you can open the top or the bottom, or both. Then subbies entering and leaving would have to crawl in or out, when not locked in entirely that is.

But that is only one of many ideas, so I need to keep buying lotto tickets, though I will get a version of my dream estate some day regardless, even if it’s smaller, and I have to wait till I’m 80 to do it dammit. Actually it won’t be that bad, we’re scrimping, saving, and hoping, paying off the mortage on the little loft condo bit by bit, and after that’s done, we’ll have the equity, have our record of bankruptcy will have come off the files, and we should be able to invest in something to build towards. Patience. Actually, I’m a very patient person, and I enjoy thinking about doing things sometimes almost as much as I enjoy doing them, anticipation is often half the fun… okay well maybe not half, but fun regardless.

So my sex drive seems to slowly be returning to a somewhat normal level after about 3 years of serious impairment. Depression, and anti-depressant meds will do that to you. I’m actively working on it, which doesn’t hurt. My goal is to try to have an orgasm a day. Retrain my body into remembering that hey, this is really good. It’s also about the only type of exercise I manage, that and shopping, and beating on people in scene. I think I get the most of a workout by topping. I lose track of my fatigue and effort level in getting absorbed into what I’m doing. So I’m thinking maybe I should create sex related and BDSM related ‘fitness’ goals. For instance, I recently got a strap-on, which has gotten little use. I have used it, but not for anything other than for kinky photos of slipping a baby bottle in where a dil would go, and having my adult baby boy suck me off till the bottle was empty while we snapped some pics. I had an invitation to use it last night, but thought about it, and knowing where I’m at right now, and remembering from past life experiences how much work fucking someone can lead up to, I’m a bit ashamed to say I refused the invitation, and took lazier routes to the same end. I didn’t get any complaints, but regardless, I’m making one of my fitness goals to be work up to some hot and heavy pelvic thrusting some time before the year is out. I’ll start slow, besides, most of my, um, power, is in my hips anyways. I’ll try not to cheat by laying on my back.

That’s enough from me, I’m easing back into the journal writing too. Coming out of depressive fog states, I need to take little steps in many directions, and not pile too much back on my plate all at once.

Get to see my baby boy on teusday, after many weeks of his absence… can’t wait!

XO
Leila

Well I know it’s been forever since I’ve written. Sometimes I get out of the rythym of it, and it can be hard to step back in. The onset of my absence in putting my thoughts into written words started with a plummet into deeper depression early this summer which had me into hospital for a stay of about 5 weeks. Where it took a while to make medication adjustments that worked for me, and had me back in a place where I didn’t need hospital support any more. Then, a couple of days out of hospital, I had the nasty misfortune of a severe bout of food poisoning which lasted a few days, had me back in hospital for intravenous gravol and fluids, and back out weak and feeling like the walking dead for a while until my strength came back. Since then my mood has been stable, but I’ve been feeling quiet. So I’ve kept quiet. So here I am again, alive, but not really kicking.

My baby boy J is away doing some training for the armed forces, he’s in the reserves, and I miss him a lot, he left while I was still in hostipal, and won’t be coming back for a week and a bit still. I’ve had the chance to exchange a few emails and phone calls with him, but it’s not the same as having him in my arms. Besides he’s my primary main model! and I need him back to use and exploit! Don’t worry, he loves it. I think he’s more of a camera hog than I am, with a heavy dose of ham in that hog.

The other day I was out second hand shopping and found a persian rug I fell in love with, from the Hammad region. It’s 7’8″ x 4’8″, and predominantly red and blue, with lots of other little bits of color. It has some fading, to be expected in a used rug, and with these hand woven treasures they use wool of different dyelots, so it’s meant to be imperfect to begin with. But it hasn’t been recut, so the wool is still thick and cushy under your feet. It was a steal at 245$, with the original price tag from when it was new worn but still attached underneath at 1350$. Persian rugs are a fabulous invention, 100% wool, camel proof, and so easy to clean, the lanolin in the wool makes them naturally keep very clean, acting as a natural repellent to spills, and as long as you don’t use soap on them, keeps as an active anti-dirt agent. To wash them you do the same thing they do where they make them, and that’s just hose them down and lay them out to dry. They so rarely need any washing at all though. I’ve had my other ones for over 7 years, and I only washed them once 2 years ago, or rather, my Iranian house boy at the time washed them.

They’re amazing things, each rug tells a story of a sort, the patterns on them all representing something, even the very abstracted ones symbolizing anything from butterflies and spiders to camels and cobras. There are some obvious birds on my new one. I really should learn more about the design elements of them, but I’m too lazy. I just enjoy the over all effect.

It’s been an incredibly hot summer here, we still haven’t bought an air conditioner, every summer we suffer in this little south facing concrete loft of ours. This year, has been the hottest yet, with some days breaking records. Literally a record breaking summer. We could have budgeted for an air conditioner… but well, instead we got another rug . Sometimes a little suffering is worth the beauty. Nice and cool with an ugly air conditioner crammed in the door? or hot and sweaty naked on the new persian rug? RUG! I have my priorities!

XO

PS! check out my latest sites, besides the remake of http://www.erotimania.com into a free educational resource site (looking for article submissions by the way). We’ve also been busy creating more … porn!… http://www.mistresskatt.com http://www.namiolive.com http://www.buriedinbutt.com http://www.damselsindanger.com to name just a few… we’ve been busy happy little porn producing campers since I’ve been out of hospital, I’ve been a bit of a reclusive recuperating porn producing prima donna.

Dommy Mommy – Regression Play

A BIO-Intensive Workshop

Monday May 17

Lick Nightclub

455 Abbott Street, Vancouver

Doors open 8pm

Cost: $15

This upcoming Monday, May 17, BIO is hosting a BIO-Intensive workshop: Dommy Mommy – Regression Play. This is not a guest listed event, and tickets may be purchased at the door. This is the case with all the monthly Monday night BIO-Intensives at Lick.

Many of us are familiar with the term age play, some with the terms infantilism, adult babies, diaper fetish or diaper lovers. They can all encompass a wide range of experiences and even lifestyles and the thing they all have in common is they are a form of regression power exchange.

Regression power exchange can encompass those who like to role play teens in trouble, naughty school girls/boys, spoiled 5 year olds, boyscouts/girlscouts, or even toddlers or infants. What all of it has in common is the combination of role playing (in some cases lifestyling) an age younger than your own in tandem with the dynamic of a partner in a position of power over you (those who enjoy being Mommies, Daddies, Aunts and Uncles). This workshop explores some of the psychology behind age/regression play, why do people do it, the range of what it can involve and be about, as well as addressing some of the common misconceptions or fears associated with this form of play, such as incest taboos, familial sexual abuse and pedophilia.

This form of play can be a LOT of fun and if it isn’t something you’ve experimented with, it might be something you want to explore. Age play can be either completely separate or very much entrenched in more ‘traditional’ forms of BDSM play/lifestyles.

Whether you’re an experienced age player or whether you’re simply curious, come and delve deeper into the core of where power exchange first develops. We all started out as completely helpless infants dependent on those more powerful to meet our basic needs. Age play isn’t just plaid skirts and knee socks, it springs from the core of our very first actual power exchange relationships which makes it a powerful and sometimes controversial form of exploring power exchange as an adult.

Leila Raven, known as Katt by many in the community, has been a part of the Vancouver BDSM community for over ten years. She has experience both as a Dommy Mommy, as well as being a little girl to her own Daddy at times. Her educational background includes an MA in counseling psychology with a focus on human sexuality, as well as lifestyle experience. She recently participated in the HBO Real Sex series on their documentary segment on adult babies and infantilism from the perspective of a Dominant and Mommy. She has written a number of articles on infantilism, and has a website devoted to the exploration of human sexuality http://www.erotimania.com .

Stolen from Arwen.org

From a court case listed here: Case Here

[46] Dr. Fisher pointed to various studies conducted by his colleagues, of countries such as West Germany, Sweden and Japan, where all forms of pornography are legally and readily available. This pornography includes portrayals of unwilling victims who are subjected to sexual and physical violence. Dr. Fisher testified that these studies concluded “pornography simply was not associated with an increase in sex crimes.” (Transcript, March 9, 2004, p. 15, l. 30)

[47] Dr. Fisher, in a variety of studies, conducted by himself or in conjunction with a variety of his colleagues, has confirmed the same results in Canada and the United States. These studies were directed particularly to the proliferation of pornography on the Internet.

[48] Dr. Fisher testified that “the Internet has provided anonymous, accessible, unfettered access to every variant of sexually explicit material from erotic to violent pornographic to what have you, so there’s no question but that there has been a dramatic increase in the last say decade….in availability of all forms of explicit material on the Internet.” (Transcript March 9, 2004, p. 21, l. 39)

[50] Moreover, Dr. Fisher relying on statistics provided by Statistics Canada and the FBI in the United States has concluded that the proliferation of pornography via the Internet has not resulted in any increase in sexual assault. In fact, the opposite is true. During the period 1994 to 1999, while the Internet was “rolled out”, the number of reported sexual assaults has declined dramatically. (Transcript March 9, 2004, pages 22-23).

[51] The thrust of Dr. Fisher’s opinion was that exposure to diverse forms of pornography does not:
a) cause attitudinal harm;
b) cause anti-social attitudes towards men or women;
c) cause harm to Canadian Society in that it does not cause sexual aggression;
d) cause people to act in an anti-social manner;
e) cause the mental or physical mistreatment of women or men.

Had a half decent night of sleep last night after my completely exhausted ramblings yesterday, and feeling and 100% better. So I’m no longer a raving insomniac, I’m a raving partially rested person instead.

Just watched the Cat in the Hat on pay per view on TV and really enjoyed it, was just in the right mood for it really. Ate a huge mega bag of microwave popcorn today, and the only other food I ate all day long, were hotdogs and ice cream, and diet coke… I guess I was a bit of a kid for most of the day, and mostly indulged all my cravings as they came on one after another. I did work though when I first woke up this morning at 10, straight through till about 3, so 5 hours of powering away through about 1000 photos, split pretty much half and half between my Adult Baby/Diaper Fetish/Age Play site DarkNursery.com and the headshave fetish site. We shot the photos all together from one very great fun kinky model we have who we shaved bald, went to the pub and had dinner and beer with, and then came back and played house with. I can’t complain. Was very happy with the photos for the most part. Though usually when I go through them, I always come up with a dozen things I -could- have included in the shoot but didn’t think of then. Ah well, there is always a next time. Besides, I’ve said it before, I could live to be 120 and shoot and create porn/fetish photos every day of my life, and probably never have time to manifest all my ideas. That’s why I have to publish this subversive smut so I can influence others to continue on in my legacy of perverse pleasure .

Have I written yet that I was asked to do a workshop/talk on ageplay/Dommy Mommy stuff for one of the local kink organizations BIO. Check it out http://www.vancouverdungeon.com Monday the 17th, 8pm, Lick Nightclub… come one come all, come in your little school girl/boy uniforms, your pj’s or diapers, for adults of all ages, or should I say kids of legal age, and their keepers. I hope there is a good turn out… come down and support me! or not… did I mention I will probably pass out candy…

pssst… hey little girl… want some CaNdY!?!? … well it -usually- works…

I haven’t decided whether I’m going to make some notes to take with me, or just wing it entirely. I’ll probably do both, have the notes for back-up, but I would rather wing it, I would also like to make it relatively interactive, which means that I dont’ want to prep or organize it too much, because I want to take alot of my influence from the people who show up… I like to be inspired from my environment, I would like it to be as ‘experiential’ as possible, and contextual.

I may have to go do some ‘research’… not on the topic, but on elements to drive it home, not the how to’s, but… well, If I tell you, and you come, and you know all my tricks and plans ahead of time, it won’t be as much fun now will it?

Nanny nanny boo boo!

hah! I can be both big and small at the same time, I’m not a very linear person, and I absolutely love to contradict myself. It proves me both right and wrong every time… or both, usually neither, and D) All of the above.

It’s always good to cover most of your bases, that’s how you make it home, and though I hate base ball, I do like to go all the way, but it’s the getting there that’s half the fun. What was I talking about?

Doesn’t really matter really, what I’m saying, what’s important is what you’re hearing, because that’s the part you get, so I could be a monkey typing out absolute gibberish… hey, well, I am a primate, and I am typing… and well, you make up your own mind. It’s like inkblots, the world is one big perceptual test. I look at the chaos, you look at the chaos, some of us see butterflies, some of us see bats, and then theirs those who see both, plus the orgy scene, and some other interesting things in those smudges of nothing and everything. The great thing is there really aren’t any right or wrong answers, just a spectrum of responses, what most people do, and what some people don’t… usually that gets sorted into some heirarchy or right and wrong, or better or worse, but I don’t like it so black and white, save that high contrast shit for the literal inkblot.

Anyways, that’s what I wan’t to do when I talk to people, say nothing, and have people hear everything, or what they need to hear, or what they want to hear, the latter is usually the case even when it, or maybe especially differs from the former. People usually hear what they expect or want to rather than what they need to.

I just like to shake it up some, through some crap out there, some love out there, a little bit of something controversial and see what the world spits back at me, so far, it’s been pretty good. but it might only work for functional disfunctionals, or is that disfunctioning functionals… you know, together screwed up people like me, and the rest of the fucking planet, the ones that know it, and the rest of you in that river not in egypt, that lovely lake of oblivion, DeNial. Spank me for it, you know you want to. Whether it’s cause you love me, or you hate me… just spank me baby, then be good and bend over for Mommy…

purrrrrrrrrrrr

Then, in the middle of the Cat and the Hat there was this big hail and thunder storm, beautiful, I had to go stand and get hit by chunks of ice, they were just a little larger than the erasers on the ends of pencils (when was the last time you held a pencil, with an eraser, a yellow painted, HB pencil, it’s been a while for me now that I think of it, that’s what you get when you do crossword puzzles with pens, and stop keeping a sketch book, pencils leave your life…)

It was magical, the sky in the city is often an orange colour from the city lights, and then with the storm, there would be flashes of colour, and chunks of ice pounding down in a racket of rythmic intensity, punctuated by the boom of thunder. Wolfe and I just stood, and 10 minutes of the Cat in the Hat is missing in my experience, happily for those 10 minutes that the storm was raging over us, it was moving fast, it came as quickly as it left, leaving only the silence of heavy rain chatter behind it, and air that smelled clean, green, and slightly electric.

As we stood outside, hands outstretched from the security of the cover of overhang over our porch, hands pelted with water turned solid, I marvelled. What would it have been like for our ancestors who lived in regions where in their shorter lifespans, they may only see a storm like this once. Without the science behind it… it would be miraculous, would they sit around the fire old and wise and tell stories to their children of how one day when they were children, the sky roared, spit fire, and threw clear stones that magically transformed into water. What would you make of it, Ice in the spring, in small perfect chunks raining down, lightening and thunder. Do we have magic like that left in our world?… it’s in my mine. I’ve told you the stories, but you may not have really been listening, or understanding, because if you haven’t the reference for it, things like that, can be hard to believe. You have your own stories too, I know it. Magic is all around us, all the time, beauty, power, creation, passion… you can’t miss it, it’s everywhere, it’s constantly throwing itself in your face. Every moment, a perfect unbelievable cosmic event. why not? Why Not. WHY NOT! Why do people like to fight that, why do people want to cling to the safe, to the ordinairy, to the rational, to the convetional, to the masks, and roles, and traditions of belief or disbelief… WHY!, why not… LOOK

look, open your eyes…

what do you want to do today?

Me, I had no proper meal times, over the course of the day, in several small installments, I ate 6 hot dogs, with cheese, mustard and ketchup. Half a tub of Dulce de Leche Ice cream, about a litre of diet coke, I edited some pretty fun hot creative twisted porn that I had participated in the creation of. Watched a movie based on one of my childhood literary heros – Dr. Seuss’ Cat in the Hat… and I thought, there you have it right there, it’s right in the cat in the hat. It doesn’t matter whether you hear it from me, from the Cat in the Hat or from the friggin Dalai Lama, the message is essentially the same. Honestly… trully…

Live in love. Just live it, just see it, just do it, just be it, in the moment, living, in love.

In love with life, self, others, respectful, magical, creative, peaceful, accepting, knowing, giving, and receiving, and realizing you’re the question and the answer, and it doesn’t need to be made any more complicated than that.

you may still think I’m full of shit, but at least give some importance to the Cat in the Hat and Tibetan Monks… puleez.

Now of to more important daily life tasks, I have to add more songs to my Sex and BDSM play list. You know… music that makes you horny or want to engage in consensual power exchange dynamics of some sort that release massive endorphins into your system… music pumps up the endorphin value. And you shouldn’t need me or Dr. Seuss or men in saffron robes to tell you. When you’re not playing, or reminiscing over past playing, then planning for future play is a good option.

XOX
Leila

Ha! This is the kind of warped thing you give birth to when you plant seeds of thoughts of poetry in the state of mind and body I’m in, went to go to bed, realized I had to pee… and out to poor Wolfe came..

Alas, for poor me
has dost to pee
upon the porcelain pissing tree!

Thats what comes into warped heads when all they want to do is bed, and instead… well, you got the picture, if I don’t leave now it will turn into loads of more stanzas, and none of us -really- want that, mind you, you’re reading this entry. So maybe you do.

Again, Good night, and this time I mean it.

Today’s word boys and girls is subversive

subversive
adj : in opposition to a civil authority or government [syn: insurgent,
seditious]
n : a radical supporter of political or social revolution [syn:
revolutionist, revolutionary, subverter]

Subversive \Sub*ver”sive\, a. [Cf. F. subversif.]
Tending to subvert; having a tendency to overthrow and ruin.

Lying is a vice subversive of the very ends and design
of conversation.

That doesn’t sound very nice… maybe I should stop adding that word to my personal warning label. What? you don’t come with a personal warning label? That’s not very practical, or fair… sorry, I’m trying to revolutionize how we label ourselves, to ourselves, and to others, does that make me subversive? Or the fact that I tell people that I’m subervise and it’s on my warning label… when such label actually doesn’t really exist. It’s all so complicated really. So lets just hurry on over the word of the today, and on to other less potentially upsetting matters.

Here are some fun definitions of some fun words that my Dad sent to me via his internet connection of joke sharing buddies. What the internet brought to him was primarily I think a better version of the Encyclopedia Britannica that used to be in our basement, and more joke material than he collects at his daily morning time swim with the other subversive goldy oldies taking a sweat break in the sauna. I’m sure lots of useful other things too. I know he reads this on occasion, so I mean no disrespect, If there is any it’s not personal, I’m particularly disrespectful of most things at this precise moment, late night, and three days sleep deprived, and running on that particular eupohoric mix of endorphins I get from ‘new love’. Falling in love with the boy, and spending two nights in a row sharing a bed (no naughty details!) has lead to alot of giddy silly passionate disspassionate muddled bizarre emotional yet fun perceptions of myself and the world as it seems in the moment, now, which is, as I’ve just mentioned very subjectively -subverted- by the context in which it finds itself to be. Have we lost one another yet? Good, if you’re confused, you now know exactly where I’m coming from!

Anyways… onto more word play, and the unknown source of the following sent via my Daddy number one, the bio one, not my Daddy number two, the one that spanks me now, and I like it! Wolfe, not my boy… though the babe has is a wolfish cub indeed.

Ugh… I just read over that, either save yourself and stop reading now, or read it when you’re already confused and it might make more sense.

….

Word Play
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners:

(see the original source was right there in the email, I had only just ignored it till now, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to back and edit just to make it easier journal reading for you!… if you’ve read anything else in here, and haven’t heard it yet, I don’t edit these things, I just vomit them up whole)

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

……

Well there you go.

Well, The other effect of my personal chemical mind fuck is that I’ve spent most of this evening in tears, not really crying, and not sad, I’m a person that gets ‘sleepy’ tears, watery eyes when they’re really tired. That and spending some time letting my emotional guard get all sloppy while in the process of and in around letting another person ‘in’ has lead to major leakage. Gee, you might think from that last sentence that I have ‘boundaries’ unfortunately, they are more like crumbly walls and lots of escher style staircases, you know the ones that switch direction on you… if you haven’t got an escher definition in your head, you probably have a harry potter one, which isn’t quite as nice, but will do in a pinch. At any rate… when you wander around in my head you can never be entirely certain where you’re going to end up.

Smiles, because I am happy, and for a depressed person, I haven’t been letting myself cry enough, been holding back on myself emotionally, and being in love has made me a) less depressed feeling though b) crying more. Though happy and mixed feeling weepy fits could also be attributed to what is the equivelent of intense sleep deprivation for a Leila, which seems to need approx 10 hours a night to function most of the time. Which would explain the dizziness and nausea.

So why am I sitting here writing this when I should be in bed you say?!

Good point.

Good night!

XO
Leila.

PS, Love you all my babes in the woods.

I want to write to poetry, but my brain would burst, one or two are probably gestating though.

The origins of may day

“Called Beltane by the Celts, Walpurgis by the Teutons, and Floralia by the Romans, May festivals were a time of “wearing of the green.” Throughout the Northern Hemisphere, the month of May is a time to celebrate renewal of life. May is named for Maia, grandmother, the Goddess of death and fertility. Maia scorns marriage, so it is a good idea to put weddings off until June. Although less stern goddesses now oversee May festivities, wreaths and baskets of Hawthorn are still used in some May festivals in Maia’s honor… The May-pole is the most familiar feature of May festivities, but it has three distinct interpretations. In some cultures, the May-pole represented the world center, or alternately, the hub of the Wheel of heaven. In ancient times, the intricate dance of weaving cords around the pole was a magical attempt to direct Nature, which had become topsy-turvy over the course of time, back in order. Today the dance is performed by any who wish to participate in weaving the magic.

In other cultures, the May-pole was the Tree of Life, or a symbol of it. And this tree– to borrow a phrase from Billy Holiday– bore strange fruit. This is where the Savior was sacrificed in order to cleanse the earth. Holy Communion, eating his flesh and drinking his blood was possibly restricted to the priest class, but symbolic May Wine was liberally imbibed by the whole community. Hundreds of years later, the Christian lunar festival of Easter would replace the ancient solar festival as the time of renewal and rebirth.

The third meaning of the May-pole most clearly remains today. It is the phallus, the male principle of fertilization. Female principles are represented by baskets and wreaths used in the dances around the pole. In past times, the hand-fasting movements of the dances would give young couples license to ‘go into the green’ together. In some regions, a merlin, or renegade friar, would preside over the mock marriages. Even today, unwed couples consummate the mock marriages performed around the May-pole. Merry-begats, as they were called in England, were usually not acknowledged by their fathers. These babies were said to have been fathered by god.”

For those of you who have no other way of celebrating, I think the closest thing you can probably find to dancing around the may pole, can be found at your local stripper clubs. It’s a saturday night, get a little pagan, make your way to a peeler bar, and watch someone twirl around the pole, raise a glass of ale in respects to the fertility of the goddess in all her glory, and sit back and enjoy. I would myself, if I didn’t already have other more nefarious plans. Going to a BDSM play party, bringing MY boy . Set it free, if it comes back to you it’s yours, if it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it, isn’t that how the saying goes? anyways, he came back. I’m a happy Katt. It’s his first party, I’m going to have fun. Wolfe has a new toy, we’re going to be a foursome. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

It’s a magical day, be careful what wishes you make, what seeds you plant, it’s a day of creation, celebration, lust, and potency.

I think I’m going to tap into some primal energy myself throughout the eve’s celebrations.

Regardless of your spiritual affiliations, let your senses roam, don’t you feel it stirring in the air… somethings up, and it could be you.

Feed some fuel to the fire, place some faith, in whatever way you concretize it, label it, manifest it, or interpert it, today is a day of fertility, creation, and magic.

GO OUT AND PLAY!

Live in love…

We are all truly blessed, if we only know where to look for it. And if we are brave enough, to open our eyes. Most of us, prefer to stumble around in the unknown gloom. Take a peek, it’s nice out here in the chaos.

XO
Leila

Well, my baby boy is back in my life, he decided to split it off with his girlfriend, and it’s a hard time for him, I’m offering support, and trying not to eat him alive out of selfish happiness. I keep telling myself there’s no hurry, so many many fun things to do with, and to, but it has to happen in bits and pieces. That’s the simple linear physics of this silly existence. Everything can’t all happen all at once, can it?

Going to take him to his first play party on Sat, and that should be fun, and Wolfe has been playing with a little cutie that we’ve been photographing that is coming with as well. I think it will be a very very very fun and intense evening. yum!

I’ve been invited to do a workshop on age play in May, and I’m psyched about that, particularly because many of the people I know have confirmed that they can be there, and so I’ll feel supported, and I’m just excited to get a chance to express my views on things, and maybe stretch some peoples horizons a bit. May 17th, Monday night, 8pm, at Lick… check http://www.vancouverdungeon.com for details if you want to attend. Woo hoo!

Have been doing loads of pics lately, and am photographing a head shave on thursday which I’m psyched about as well.

Seeing my boy, TOMMOROW, which makes me happy happy.

So it’s been a good week, and I think it’s going to continue to be a good week.

That’s all from me… photos to edit!

XOXOX
Leila

Word of the day : Luminous
DEFINITION: bright, brilliant, glowing
EXAMPLE: The park was bathed in luminous sunshine which warmed the bodies and the souls of the visitors.
SYNONYMS: incandescent, lucent, lustrous, radiant, resplendent

And some additional words of the day – toilet seat, paper cup, deely boppers, and giant leopard print shoe shaped chair!

Which is what I bought yesterday even if we couldn’t afford it, not the first three, but the last. I have a shoe chair, nyah nyah nyah nyah NYAH. Actually it’s not ‘giant’ it’s just a normal sized chair, shaped like a big high heel shoe in black and leopard print velvet, and of course I’ll be doing loads – o – foot fetish retro photography in it, so it will be showing up in image form mighty soon. I was going to the store, Wolfe specifically said, “Don’t spend more than 30$ that’s all we can afford” He was off to buy a 200$ web cam, so I could have a cam designated to my feet only for the foot fetish fans… and so I was off to buy some little accessories to decorate my foot cam ‘cave’ area under my desk. Up the elevator to housewares in army and navy, and there it stood, in all it’s glory, the large velvety black and leopard shoe chair. Only one, several women gushing and fawning over it. No price tag. Some couple of girls around my age already having a store lacky off to try to find the price on it … and I knew.. it MUST be mine. I hunted down the floor manager ASAP, having been a retail slave in the past. Told her I wanted to buy the chair, now, I’d taken the tag with the bar code off of it and had it in my hot little hands – my ticket to shoe chair paradise, and all I needed was the price so a clerk could ring it up for me… and oh, I only live half a block away (true!) it’s not very heavy, but awkward, could one of your security boys walk it over for me. Done, and done. 200$ later (Daddy is going to KILL me, but I have a SHOE CHAIR) going through my mind over and over again like some meditative mantra, I walked home beefy security boy carrying shoe chair in tow down the block to my apartment.

Happy happy.

Wolfe did come home with the web cam, did some serious unhappy Wolfe faces and grumbles (the closest that man gets to a display of anger) After much lip trembling on my part, promises of eating only peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the rest of the month, and selling something else I own if we really need to, and him going over our monthly finances, two, or three times, he finally came to the conclusion that we could manage it… yay! Shoe chair stays. He grumbled a bit still, because we’ve been looking for a chair for the little corner of our apartment still unfilled, and he’d been thinking ‘recliner/lazy-boy’ which a) would have cost us a lot more dough (it would have HAD to been black or red leather) and b) we really didn’t have enough room for one. The shoe chair fits, size wise, there is enough animal print here and there in our domicile to make it fit (not enough to make it look like the ghost of Elvis has moved in though), and I LOVE it.

Next model I have over… teusday I think it is, I’m stripping her down, sticking her in my yet unphotographed leopard print platform sandals, and who cares what else if anything else and draping her over the damn shoe chair as many ways as bodies can manage (a good thing Veronica does yoga)

and that’s all I have to say about that.

So I just woke up, that’s whats happened yesterday, and now I’ve just read by horrorscope for today, which is a lot gloomier than I feel: Gemini’s pay attention.

“You were hoping for a better day, but this is what you get. An old friend or a family member can still push all the wrong buttons even when he or she knows that you don’t want to be involved on that level. Old patterns are louder than new thoughts, no matter how much you say that you’ve changed. Tightly wrap comfort’s thin illusion around you, like a security blanket or a shield. Even in the stickiest of circumstances, you can probably find a way to make it better. A little denial helps you until the real change comes along”

Hmmmm, maybe I’ll take a couple of clonazepam with breakfast, a little anti-anxiety medication in the morning always helps a little denial go down easy.

XO
Leila

Someone wrote to me the other day asking if I would put a link to their gas mask site up, at first, I immediately assumed it must be something kinky. After some writing back and forth, and looking over their website, it turned out, that on a web search for gas mask, I had come up in the top 30 hits, and that’s why they were writing to me. I guess they wanted to be linked with all the people who ranked high on searches for gas masks. I visited their site, and would have linked them if it was something kinky about gas masks (god forbid, I’ve said it how many times now, who knows where I’ll end up on the list of gas masks in searches!) but the site was about the application and use of gas masks for the use they were intended, and about how everyone should own one and know how to use one ‘just in case’. So I declined a reciprocal link… I mean gas masks for fun and kink – woo hoo, gas masks because you’re scared someone is going to attack you… not so much fun. Wolfe mentioned this morning, that he was searching for apocalypse theories, something he recently wrote about in a journal entry, and was surprised to find that he came up number five in the list. These journals are powerful things! who knew! So there you have it, this gave me a little brain child, to expirement with what obscure references might have people stumble onto my little world of subversion and perversion… (evil chuckle) I can sucker people in here with obscure references, and then brain wash them out of their little boxes, no? We’ll one can hope. Regardless, it’s instituted a new journal addition, word of the day. Because I like chaos, I’ve decided to try to go about the word of the day in a random fashion (and I won’t give any statistic freaks – statistics = sadistics, what approach I’m using to make it random, because I won’t give you any ammunition for your evil statistical ways of analyzing things… naughty statisticians)

So the word of the day is: Circumspect

DEFINITION: cautious, aware of potential consequences
EXAMPLE: She was very circumspect in her language and behavior when first introduced to her fiance’s parents.
SYNONYMS: alert, cautious, heedful, mindful, prudent, solicitous, vigilant, wary

For those that care… in other words, just me, and some other gemini’s… my horoscope tells me that:

The ideas are on the table. The proof is in the pudding. You’re an instant hit when you turn your thoughts into tangible, tasty results. Once you pull off a coup like this, you’ll easily convince others with just about anything that you tell them. There’s no pressure on either side. Everyone is here through his or her own free will. What they don’t know, you’ll teach them. Take only what you need to help you move smoothly through the world. The lighter your load, the better you’ll be able to perform.

Damn it, I was hoping it would say something about shopping, I’ve a hankering to hit Value Village today.
By the way, if you’re reading this, and you you’re articulate, and knowledgable in any area related to human sexuality… please check out the changes we’ve made at http://www.erotimania.com – now a resource for human sexuality, and alternative sexuality… we need contributions, we want voices to talk about their experiences, and their knowledge of human sexuality, whatever that might be.

Get yourself published there, we need you!

XOX
Leila
trying to change the world, one pervert at a time.

Oh, I’ve made email contact with the boy, I so love and adore, decided we can talk (not hot chat) but keep in touch, it’s good for me to know what is just going on in his life. Gives me some sense of peace to know that he is out there, alive, and well. Mommies need to hear from their kidlets, whether they’re the biological kind or the age-play kind. I’ll try to refrain from taunting him with things like this…

See, he bought me the mommy panties, he has a thing for big butts, and well, there I did a shoot of me playing with his teddy bear… entirely too naughty of me, but that was before I heard from him in email, just wanted to make sure he knew I was thinking of him.