Dec.13. 2002 - Just when you think...
Just when you think things are starting to look up. You crash, depression is like that. Little things stir it up into a frenzy of downward spiraling emotions, fear, confusion, disassociation. Some old things have come up to haunt me. I have a memento of a very special person in my life, that I intend to keep to my dying day. It sits on a specially built pedestal. It's the only true memento I've ever kept in that way of a lost loved one. Someone has decided it should belong to them instead, even though It came my way through a convoluted path, involving money, sacrifices, and love and recognition by supportive friends who understood how much it meant to me.
The person who wants this item now, is threatening, harassing, bullying, and basically behaving in such a way that I am completely ill equipped to deal with. Luckily Wolfe is there, and trying to handle most of it himself.
I have to confess that it brought on two 'Russian roulette' suicide attempts, I call them that, though they didn't involve a gun. It's where I engage in an activity that is very risky, and I think -may- kill me, and kind of leave it up to fate. I know when I get serious, and if I want a 100% chance of success, how I would do that, but it's like some sick game I play with myself when I get very down. These were both a little while ago, and I kept the attempts, and my methods, to myself, until just the other night, when most of the stress had passed, and then I let Wolfe know. I wanted to make sure a lot of the triggers for me around the events were lessened before I let him in on it, because I a) get feeling guilty about it and b) feel like if he knows at the time, that he'll feel compelled to try to fix something that he really can't. and c) I don't ever want to be hospitalized again.
Shocked? Well then obviously you haven't been reading for very long, or isn't someone that knows me well. Don't worry, I'm not a risk to others, just myself. In fact most people that have come into my life seem to come out of it the better for it.
I may not be getting a puppy for Christmas after all, the funds don't seem to be there for it, we're going to keep saving, and it will likely be a new years puppy. I posted on my yahoo groups asking for X-mas/Solstice/holiday donations, of even a few bucks (no amount too small!) towards the puppy fund. But no biters. I guess everyone is tight on cash this year.
Either that it's the group mentality thing. You know studies have shown that if someone is in crisis, their life at risk, being attacked, screaming in the middle of the city, people don't tend to respond, they don't tend to dial 911, they don't tend to offer help, they have the, oh.. there are a lot of people here, someone else will do it, or probably already has. (not that me not having a puppy is a crisis, well sometimes it is, but that's because I can be a puppy loving drama queen <grin>).
I think the same effect is happening in my yahoo groups, thousands of members, some of which I'm doing online Domination training, and only one person has sent me a small token. I guess they all figure, someone else, or most everyone else will do it, and I'll end up with all this money. Everyone could put in 5 bucks, and I could pay off half my mortgage! Instead, I have 10$ and a box of black latex gloves. Both of which I'm very thankful for mind you. Especially the black latex gloves, medical grade, non-powdered, just like the ivory coloured ones, but black black. Sexy.
I think part of it, is I'm not a mean enough Domme. There are all these Dommes and even non-Dominant women that say men literally throw money at them. I guess I lack the right manipulation skills in that area, I guess because my heart isn't really into it. The whole material gain thing. Though I'm dying for another puppy! <lol>
Oh well, I'll be patient, though it isn't one of my best virtues.
Was supposed to go to an all woman's private play party tonight with set wrestling matches, with bets being placed, with the proceeds going to charities of the wrestling participants choice. Lots of great people, and probably would have been a good time, but I just haven't been able to motivate myself, get un-depressed enough, to get out of the house.
I also have a get together day planned tomorrow with a sweet girl I met, a little make-up shopping, maybe catch a movie, and maybe do her first photo shoot, but I'm considering canceling in the morning.
Same with visiting my family for the holidays next week, I'm just, well, spiraling down still. Trying to maintain functioning as best I can, which means trying to avoid any kind of stressful situations. Which means at least I've been getting a lot of non-creative technical cut and paste type website work done. Rote monotonous disassociate tasks for hours on end, my hands are sore from the typing. So it's time to take myself to bed. Managed to put together a number of new galleries though that are going up, I think mostly foot fetish, some Dominaction, some BBW.
My wish right now, I guess is to see the New Year, have it be a happier one, and keep taking it one day at a time. (Maybe my psychiatrist will figure out some better drugs for me, because I am so damn tired of being sick, tired, and depressed)
Well. Sorry not to have anything cheery for you.
Actually okay, here is some good news, I want to for January, if not before have another Erotimania site up, this one will be totally free. It will be http://art.erotimania.com when it gets up, and it will showcase various erotic artists, who work in digital or other media, predominantly non-photographic based, but some may be. It's just to have a place for artists to show their work, and I'll sell prints for them if they want me to. One of the fellows is Alex Chapman, and he makes Femme Domme art, primarily about face sitting, and he has a techno-folk art style that is very unique. His work usually incorporates women of color. And women with curves. With a big focus on face sitting. It has a folk art quality to it, yet is representative of kink, and other non-mainstream populations. This kind of diversity and style is really rarely seen in erotic art work. I think he has a unique style, and is a true artist. As someone with an extensive background in the fine arts, raised by parents heavily involved in the fine art community, as well as having a bachelors in fine arts, I feel Alex Chapman's work to be not only fun and erotic, but original and talented. It would not surprise me if it became highly recognizable and collectable in the future.
his yahoo group is at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlexChapmans4u
and here's a little holiday sample:
The 'rough' quality, is what I mean by folk art style, it has a simplicity to it that gives you a focus on the form and movement in the image, and on the topic itself which is just plain pleasing. Not to everyone's taste, but I find it really original and interesting. If you look at more of his images, you can see he has a natural talent for composition (and no I'm not talking subject matter here, I'm talking about the general placement of lines, figures, etc).
XO
Katt
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