Dec 4, 2002 - Reality bytes
Okay. Here is where I get really real again. This is, what I hope, keeps you reading, and not just the pretty pictures.
I was reading over the forms my Psychiatrist had filled out to pass on to my insurance company for my renewal of my disability benefits, as I'm off of work for severe depression, as those of you who have been following my life, are aware.
Well, lo and behold, in the secondary diagnosis column, I had some other stuff listed, some of it no real surprise, like anxiety, occasional panic attacks, occasional agoraphobia (I'm not afraid to go outside, I just get so depressed sometimes that I figure why bother, it's yucky out there, but they can call it what they like).
Well, and then the part that I had a little harder time swallowing.
A diagnosis, that I have to say, as someone who has done their masters in counseling psychology, is a label that carries a lot of weight with it. It's the diagnosis you hear other clinical practitioners and psychologists talk about as the hardest people to work with. Borderline Personality Disorder. I remember one class I was in where one professor was saying, and of course, the hardest clients to work with, and most people will agree are borderlines, some people won't see them at all, and if you do take on borderline clients, I caution you to limit yourself to one or two at a time, as they can be exhausting.
So here I am with the label.
Personality Disorders, compared to mood disorders, are called 'personality' disorders because they are considered to be a pathology of the persons basic personality. To some people this implies 'incurable', something that one can 'manage' but not eliminate, why because it's a part of the self, it's a part of your personality, your basic make-over. We all have personalities, when some of us have personality traits that stray far out from the normative baseline, they become personality disorders.
This is a hard thing to write in a journal, because I know, oh do I know, that there are people out there that read this, that know me, that will take some kind of perverse satisfaction in the diagnosis. There are people that will take pity with a tinge of condescension. That this confession here, this entry, may come back to bite me in the butt a hundred times over. Like most labels do. People love to use labels as weapons at times.
But regardless of people out there who will attach all kinds of assumptions and make all kinds of correlations to the labels with my behaviors etc, etc ad nauseaum (what a cliché but useful phrase... etc, etc, ad nauseaum, and I even stuck ellipsis and brackets in there, this is how I like to torture some grammatical, sentence structure, elite writing style nuts). Okay, off track there. Regardless of the assumptions, correlations and stereotypes. I'm going to lay it out on the line and talk about my crap.
Cause that. Is who I is.
I could give you a clinical definition of a borderline, but I'm not going to. You can go look it up if you like. Little good it will do either of us. People, if you haven't noticed by now, don't fit nicely into labels and packages.
Lets get into what I am really on about. Reality, getting real, accepting, loving.
I was writing today with an online submissive I am playing with, and I was inviting them to show themselves off on my website on their web cam if they wanted to. Their response was that, well, given that they are in their fifties, not in the best shape, and into being a feminized sissy, likely, I, and other people probably wouldn't want to look at them.
When I started this website. I figured lots of people wouldn't want to look at me. I'm a 235lb (has varied over the last three years of the site, but always on the larger side of the media ideal) woman, and I'm bald most of the time. You know what, I was right, there are a lot of people that have no interest in this site, no interest in me, think it's poor quality, and don't enjoy what I have to offer.
So what.
There are other people, that see me, and see me, and see themselves, and go, hey... this is for me.
I don't want to create a website filled with mainstream popular imagery. I don't want my decisions on content, on marketing, on style, to be determined by something outside of me. I want it to be a place of self expression, with places to invite others in to express themselves if they want. And why would I invite them to do so. Because, they are beautiful.
You may be fat
You may be old
You may be young
You may be thin
You may have scars
You may have disabilities or disorders
You may have freaky fetishes
You may have secrets
You may feel alone and lonely
You may have dozens of 'flaws' of which you are painfully aware
You may have dozens of 'flaws' of which you are painfully unaware
You may have labels others have chosen for you
You may have labels you have chosen for yourself.But you are beautiful.
My drive in life, is to try to create places, and expressions for myself, and for other people. To be real. Stop letting things outside of you dictate what is 'normal and beautiful' in you. You are a normal and beautiful you, regardless of the majority vote, regardless of the media images, regardless even of what you yourself see in you.
I would rather be real, really me. This me, with a good hard look at myself, the best grasp I can get on who I am, and what I want to, and need to do with my life, and be real with other people, and have the love and acceptance I get with that. Than be something pretense, masked, and appreciated for something that is an illusion. That would only be hurting both myself, and those doing the appreciation. If you live in denial, and if you live lies, and if you hide yourself away, because you fear the rejections and responses and assumptions of others, that they may judge you, reject you, despise you. Then what do you have. You have pretense. You have people that then may be loving, accepting and assuming something lovely, 'around' you, but you know, it's not really you. If what you give them is false, and what they are loving you and accepting you for is based on that facade. How terrible. Are you loving yourself? When you surround yourself with people who you think may despise you if they 'really' knew you. What is the point of living a life of lies.
It's a personal decision, how 'real' to get, with you, when, and how.
But it's something I believe in, and it's something I encourage in others. People will judge you, people will reject you, and people will label you and make assumptions, always. However, when you are real with yourself, you set an example, you become part of a movement to let other people be real too, eventually we may start discovering what being real people is all about, from the inside out, and then be able to share real love, and real acceptance around it.
We've had a sexual revolution, woo-hoo. We've had women's liberation, we've had all kinds of liberations and revolutions, and well, what we need really is simple humanitarian compassion and unconditional love and respect for the reality of what people are.
We are what we are, and that's all there is to it. Love yourself for it, if you can, and love everyone you can for it, if you can, and we may one day make some progress in this place. Really real or not, it would still be a hell of a lot more meaningful, don't you think.
This has been a message from your local run of the mill bald, depressed, borderline personality diagnosed, sexy, intelligent, articulate, creative, crazy, loving, real, over-educated, erotic porn fetish freak creating, fat chick.
i.e. Katt (not my real name <lol>... It's Leila Raven, I've told you before if you've been paying attention, but call me Katt, everyone does).
Live in love.
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