Sept. 4 2002 - Good, bad, ugly.
Well, I've either been too busy, or too out of it to write since my last entry. Where to start, so many new things.
Good!:
I finally got my professional page up for pro-Domming. I haven't done pro-Domme work for a couple of years, and then most of that was co-Domming with other pros. I'm looking forward to developing a small client base to work with, and to earn some money to save towards my dream of having a home large enough to sport a dungeon, other play space, and maybe have a live in subbie or two.
So far, I've communicated with loads of submissives, and made some interesting leads on possible clients to see later in the month. I'm pretty picky about who I play with, whether it's professional or personal. So far, the connections I have made in person, have all been personal ones. Firstly my house boy, who as a service bottom comes regularly to attend to domestic needs, and now just recently, a very sweet submissive with minimal experience, but a unique and rare individual all around. He has the critical ingredients of interest to me in not only a submissive, but a friend, which are similar values, socially, spiritually. Intelligent, healthy, and very importantly, growth oriented. It doesn't hurt that he's very easy on the eyes. Unfortunately, straight, but you can't have everything right?
Bad:
Some well meaning animal loving person, (or so I would like to hope, it could also be a personal attack of some kind). Reading Wolfe's journal entries about our last foster dog, who was very challenging to say the least, wrote to the organization we foster for, and gave the link to his journal entries that had him venting about his negative experiences with the dog.
As a result of this, the organization decided to drop us as fosters for their rescue dogs. The ironic thing, is the rescue group knew all about the problems we were facing with this dog. I had written them and said I felt our environment wasn't set up to handle a dog that could be this unpredictable, because we have such a small place, and we have a lot of foot traffic, dog and people, past our porch, which seemed to agitate him. We requested he be moved to another foster family, but then decided we would hold on to him, given there was no other home available at the time, and what was as close as possible to a suitable family did want to adopt him, despite his aggression. Though it would be another week before they would be collecting him. So in what we felt was the dogs best interest, rather than move him, then move him again. We felt the lesser of the stressors for him would be to remain with us until his new family was ready for him.
The only new information that the rescue group would have gotten from Wolfe's journal, would have been his colorful vernacular in venting around the dog, calling him the 'fucking foster dog' and the 'evil' dog. Both these journal entries were written right after the dog had attacked, first him, and then the other entry, myself. Wolfe, is an amazingly calm, and gentle, person. He would never ever harm an animal in any way. He got legitimately angry after being seriously bitten by this dog, and looking for an appropriate and healthy way to vent, came up and wrote in his journal. He did the same thing after the dog bit me. Both times, despite the dogs aggression, and Wolfe's very real fear of being bitten again, he came down after writing the journal entry, to re-connect with the dog, cuddle with him in front of the TV, and accept his sweet little kisses. The dog was very challenging because he could be so sweet, calm, and loving, cuddly, for long periods of time, and then lash out unexpectedly. Wolfe never stopped having a good and caring relationship with this dog, even though he was very frustrated with this fostering experience. He knew it wasn't the dogs fault, and kept his anger, hurt, and fear, where it belonged, away from the dog.
The other information they likely got, was that he believes, as do I, that unpredictably aggressive dogs, that bite, and bite hard, doing significant damage, should be euthanized, and that if it was our dog, we would have him put to sleep. This is our personal belief, and our value system, around animals, and not anything we would ever impose on the value structure of the group we were volunteering for, or would lobby that they would adopt. We had simply decided, that given their politics around aggressive dogs, we wouldn't foster any more dogs with serious aggression issues, and just stay out of it, and focus on fostering dogs that did not have major aggression issues. We weren't there to question their politics, we were there to provide a foster home to dogs in need. I will likely have a scar on my breast, from where this dog lacerated me through two layers of clothing. My reaction to this, I screamed at the time, then cried for about 10 minutes in Wolfe's arms while the dog kenneled, took time to calm. Then we let the dog back out of the kennel, and pet and stroked him, because in another 10-15 minutes his new permanent (hopefully) Daddy was coming to pick him up, and despite his aggression, both of us cared for him, and were going to miss him, so it was, bad timing or not, our last chance to have a cuddle, and say good bye to this, most of the time, sweet dog. We did let the new family know, that he had bitten me that morning, and cautioned them again, that this dog needed special care. I can't help but worry that this dog may disfigure someone some day, but I also have to realize that I can't take on responsibility for that. We did the best we could given the circumstances.
I guess the other information they found out, is that we produce adult websites as part of our living and lifestyle, and many people who are not porn/sex positive have beliefs around people who are. Such as that if we are able to create porn, then we must be 'bad' people, and if we are 'bad' people, in one way, we may be 'bad' people in another way, and may somehow be hurting or acting inappropriately in regards to the foster dogs. This could have been another factor in the decision to drop us from fostering.
The Ugly:
My reaction. At first I thought I could handle being dropped from the rescue group with grace, and just let it be water under the bridge, and chalk it up to other peoples insecurities, fears, prejudices, whatever. But later that day, it really hit me hard. No more foster doggies... no more options of me maybe keeping and adopting a special foster dog that bonded with our family... a group of people that I cared for and respected believing we could be a danger to these courageous little animals, or even worse, that they could think Wolfe, of all people, would be a potential danger. That someone out there, who reads our journal, knows us by our real names, and knows enough of us to be able to know which rescue organization, also felt we could be a danger to these dogs. All of these things came crashing down around me emotionally in the way they only can when you have a chemical imbalance like severe depression. I cried for hours and hours, stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped moving. Became a little dissociative ball for about 20 hours, and felt like it was all my fault. That I should never have tried to take on fostering in the first place, and that every time I try to do something good, it somehow comes apart on me, and all kinds of other irrational thoughts. I delved a bit into suicidal thinking, thankfully Wolfe was with me, and kept close watch over me, unable to escape from my feelings any other way, I mostly slept for the next day or so... I'm honestly, as I write this, not entirely sure how long I was 'out of it' as I've only just really gotten myself mostly together again as I write this.
Writing this, like Wolfe writes, to vent, to get the stress and the emotion out of my system in a healthy and positive way. Unfortunately, people see emotional expressions they are not comfortable with, and get triggered. Assume the worst, fear the worst, and act on that. I only wish that person had taken the time to really check in with us. If they had known us as well as they did, why not reach out to us first and voice there concerns?
I can honestly say, we were kick ass foster parents for those little dogs. Fostering was a situation that was very good for the dogs, and very good for me as well. Having someone who needed what I was able to give, that I could care for, was very healing for me. Those dogs got the best of care, the very best of me. It was worth it, because they gave so much back in return, unconditional love, and just seeing the positive impact we had on them over their stay with us, even the aggressive dog (yes the evil fucking foster dog) was meaningful and rewarding. To watch the incredible positive changes over all in their behavior, in their health, social interactions, even though the E.F.F. dog aggressed towards us, and bit me just before going to his new home, he was still an amazingly different dog from the first day we got him to that last day, and we cared for him. I can hold in my heart, that I did do something good and beautiful, and... I can add another list of things to mourn in my life. Hopefully over all this will have been two steps forward one step backward, instead of one step forward and two steps backward. I can't really tell yet, because I'm still recuperating, still slightly in shock, and hurting very much over the whole experience. That said, I'm going back to bed.
XO
Katt
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