August 2002 - The -real- 300th entry
Well... I thought my last one was 300, but due to some technical glitches, turns out it was just 299. Hmmmmm.
Well, I've been spending lots of time on the camera, though many may not find it particularly thrilling. I've decided to lower the cam down better on the view of the spot I occupy most in my household. It's the downstairs couch/bed in front of the television, and it's where I escape from my feelings when my depression is hitting, except when it gets really really bed, in which case, I take a nap.
When I'm doing better, I'm typing away on the computer, answering emails, working on the sites, and lately, taking a number of trips to second hand stores, value villages in particular. I usually end up buying more things for Iggy than I do for me, what a spoiled dog! In the last week he has acquired two new (second hand) red velvet cushions that lay on the floor in front of the sliding door where he likes to lay in the sunbeams. Also, his favorite toy to date. Cow.
Cow is a small stuffed blue and white cow, that looks very much like the cows on south park in it's expression. It also moos three times in a row loudly when you squeeze it's belly. Iggy Piggy's mouth is just large enough to encompass cow's middle and squeeze. Iggy loves to make cow moo. Iggy will run up to me with cow mooing in his mouth and press cow against my forehead. I started mooing alongside of cow, and now Iggy moo's too. He drops cow, and we all moo together. He throws his head back and howls away, it is very very hilarious. I know, that once cow has been vivisected by Iggy (and this is very likely only a matter of when, and not if) that I will have to go out and seek a replacement cow, unfortunately the odds of finding more cows at value village are unlikely, so hopefully Iggy's cow vivisection habit won't be too frequent.
I've been feeling closer to Wolfe again as my climb back out of the depression hole makes it's weary way on. For a long time I had a hard time with intimacy, physical or otherwise, and isolated myself a lot, physically, emotionally, mentally, from everyone, even Wolfe. We've been more cuddly and I've started to regain my sex drive. Part of this is likely due to cutting in half the dosage of one of the five medications I'm on. The upside is the increased intimacy, emotional availability and libido. The downside, is I 'feel' more of my depression emotions too, I have bigger down swings again, though not dangerously so, and I get anxious. Along with those emotions are the emotions that accompany my ongoing thoughts around my ex-girlfriend.
Since I stopped seeing her at the beginning of this year, I've thought about her every day, and every night. She occupies my thoughts much of my time. Because I was chemically numbed out much of this time, the emotions along with those thoughts would at times be difficult, but I felt I was getting better and better every day with coping with the grief, the loss, and the constant love and longing in my heart. Having the shift in meds again, and more feelings, has meant the last couple of weeks have had my thoughts of her accompanied with increasing intensity of emotions. I almost tried to contact her today, which I know logically, is not the right thing for me to do. Our relationship was one where it was so intense, so deep, and so connected, that I feel like she entered every part of me, each chamber of my mind, my heart, my soul, corners and crevices I didn't even know I had, and with that kind of love, you will always carry that person with you inside.
I try to focus on healing the wounds of separating my life from hers, yet at the same time, to use a metaphor, I keep opening those wounds myself, licking the blood whose taste will forever carry the aroma of her, her sweat, her kisses... how can I heal, when I don't really want to close the wound. I should be starting some one on one intensive psychotherapy soon, and hopefully, through doing some of that work, I'll be able to cope better with my feelings of loss. Going out today, was hard, because as soon as I left my front door, and got on the bus that would take me to value village, which is the same bus that used to take me to her home, I was overwhelmed, all I could think of, was how it felt to be holding her, and held by her.
I have the opportunity right now, to start some healthy relationships with women in my life, not necessarily serious love relationships, but fun dates, and friendly flirting, and it's hard to know whether that's a viable choice to me, to engage in what feels like something so surface, compared to what is going on in my depths, and memories. I know soon, for part of my healing, I'll probably have to delve into some poetry, because that's how I best express these kinds of muddled feelings, but I'm not ready to let that much come to surface all at once tonight.
I do know, that I can't spend many more days, in my own little world, sitting on the bus, pulling out the rough raw amber resin from my wallet and pressing it into my palm, or reading the letter and poem I carry in my purse from her as well, dripping more tears on it's already worn and fading surface, from earlier tears, and from being folded and re-folded. Moving through the world around me in a haze, my stability spiraling down, till I find myself slipping back into my apartment door, feeling raw and wounded, crawling into the safety of my over-hot bed in the summer swelter, and falling into a fitful sleep to escape myself.
Okay, that's about all I can leak out right now without returning to bed!
So here's one last capture of me on the cam tonight, showing you all how I maintain my lovely figure!
If it comes in a bag, and it's orange, I'll eat it! Actually I have been slowly, very slowly, getting increasingly more active, and have plans to start training in martial arts again, Except due to financial restraints, Wolfe and I have decided to do self-teaching/practice, and to teach some friends, as we've both had training at teaching martial arts and have done so in the past. We're not charging for lessons or anything, just going to have an informal outdoor thing, I think that will be good.
Wow, long entry, and I still have things to say. I'll switch to point form.
- We're going to be away from Sept 6-12 for vacation.
- We should have up soon, and free to members of any other Erotimania sites, more Erotimania sites! Our Dominaction site will be one of those sites, where all Dominaction members will get access to all Erotimania sites, and all Erotimania members will get access to Dominaction. There will also be a foot fetish site, and hopefully an amateur site. These sites that we've been working on will all go under the Erotimania umbrella for more surfing fun.
- I have for some reason, been getting a lot of great mail from site members. I have replied to most if not all of them (I don't think I've missed any!) If for some reason I don't respond to mail, or don't respond right away, please understand that given my health, and all the things I should be doing in a day around the sites, I try to get to everything, and I can't always.
That's it! If you didn't check it out last entry, please note that I've added at the bottom of my journal entries some ways you can help support Erotimania, and me! (and Wolfe, and Iggy, and yourself, cause I re-invest it!) So check them out, they don't all involve your pocket book!
XO
Katt
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