July 28, 2002 - Memories
The last few days have been very difficult for me, as the months end nears, I spend a lot of time with my memories of this time last year. It was a very special time for me... The two people I lost this year, who I love so dearly, I spent two wonderful weeks with them this time last year, and I have strong emotional precious memories from that time that I pray I will never forget.
Treasured memories are often a mixed blessing, as much as I treasure them, my loss still seems fresh to me. I don't know if a day goes by when they are not in my thoughts, my heart, my dreams.
I think one of my biggest assets, and greatest failings is my 'sensitivity', which includes the deep love of people that I have. I've never found love to fade, unfortunately, I've found that my pain also, stays fresh with me. If really healing means to end the pain in my heart, and requires me to let go of the love I hold for those I've had in my life, then I don't want to get better. Hopefully healing will be about going on in spite of the pain, and using it constructively. So my depression has weighed heavy on me over the last week or so.
Though I find that emotionally I'm very vulnerable right now, through that I still see some positive growth for me, I'm not as paralyzed as I have been in my thoughts and actions as I have been in my struggles over the last year. Through some very good health care, I'm clinging and climbing my way slowly out of this.
Part of my challenges right now involve weight gain, a combination of medications and inactivity from the depression have caused me to continually gain weight, and I find myself larger than I've ever been before. I'm not sure what to make of my 245 lb body. It's made me hesitant in doing photo shoots, and procrastinated in some areas in that regard to the website. I will do more content in the next little while, but the focus of that may very well be restricted to parts of myself I'm more comfortable with.
Wolfe and I have decided to make some changes in our dietary habits, and I'm trying to increase my daily activity in the attempt to move back in a healthier direction. Not only is my appearance a concern to me, but mostly, my health is a concern. I find myself with more back pain and headaches than I've ever had, and some worrying chest pains. I'm going to visit the Dr. on the first of next month and get a thorough physical examination. I feel like my body is protesting very heavily (no pun intended :) right now.
So rather than some snaps of me, right now you can get some pictures Wolfe took of Iggy today.
Not that I'm that camera shy... as members may have noticed I've got the camera focused on the downstairs 'bed' that serves us as a couch and focuses on my long lazy days in front of the television. Where you can see me most of the time, and due to the heat, almost always naked. Don't be surprised if I've got something draped over my midsection though, my tummy shyness will either end with the loss of some weight, or with me eventually accepting that this is what I'm looking like now.
So.. enough about that, Iggy pics as promised:
You may think that the pictures have been distorted using graphics software applications, but I assure you the elastic expressions of Iggy are entirely his own. This is exactly how the pics came off the card. Iggy is the master of expressions, he has many different looks all of them as cute as they are somehow perhaps even grotesque, he's my little gargoyle dog, and I love him to bits. Caring for him keeps me going, he's another blessing and a constant reminder of loves lost as well, due to the history I have of my whole experience of choosing him and bringing him home. Though both the loves I've lost this year I cannot have direct contact with, for different reasons, I know both of them have the ability to know that I love them. Wherever I may be, and wherever they may be, that love will always be.
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea?
for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream?for a puppy?for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants? For puppy food?For puppy kindergarten? For bankruptcy fees?for neutering costs?