July 3 2002 - Woah
This is hard for me, I'm not really sure what I'm sitting down to write here, I mean, I usually just let whatever's going on with me just flow. Though usually I have an idea ahead of time the general direction of where that flow is going.
I almost decided to remove and discontinue my journal a little while ago. I had some tension come up around some of my journal content, that was very very difficult for me. In a way it feels like writing in my journal is a process that is continuous, it's a story that flows from the first entry to the last. I made the decision to honor and respect loved ones, and went back into that history and altered entries. In some ways it felt as if the foundation of my journal, of my souls writing, was crumbling away. The integrity of so much of my history, undone. The manner in which this all came through to me, compiled on some of the deep grieving issues I've been dealing with. Reminding me of a childhood when I lost my oldest sister through a tragic accident, and then by the request of others, particularly my mother, had to repress my feelings around the loss in order to make things less painful for her. The lack of closure sat deep inside of me, like a festering wound. Again I feel like out of love and respect for others, I have to alter history, censure moments to respect others needs for emotional privacy.
My depression right now is taking very much the form of grieving. I lose myself occasionally in some happy moments, but dealing with day to day issues is still incredibly challenging at times. It's odd that some things I can't deal with at all, and other things I'm completely fine with. For instance, I have absolutely no sex drive at all, and haven't for many months, being essentially completely celibate. Intimacy of any kind being frightening for me. What an odd thing for an erotic artist to be experiencing, it's odd for me in many ways, mostly because I've never felt like this before. I know it comes from big fears around loss. On the other side though, my desire to engage in bdsm play, as a dominant, is very strong. I'm actively looking for a house boy or girl, that can commit a lot of time to me in service. I'm also looking for pro-Domme work, and am moving in that direction right now. I guess the part of me that's engaged in that process is a strong, controlling aspect, and removes me from aspects of relationships that currently cause anxiety in me. It allows the strongest parts of me to move into action, and I'm naturally motivated by the actions and emotions of a willing and eager submissive.
Things that I've accomplished of late, besides spending most of my time playing computer games and watching television include:
Applying to become a member of a local art gallery that supports artists struggling with mental and mood disorders.
Being accepted as a foster parent for Chihuahua rescues. I'm still waiting on my first foster dog.
Spending a lot of time playing with and spoiling Iggy, who is now a puppy of 8 months, and a bundle of cuddly sweetness.
And I've started reading again, though I can only handle pretty simple story lines, so I'm re-reading the Harry Potter books.
It may not seem like much, but these are accomplishments for me over the last year. Things I've been unable to do and desperately wanted to. I still stay home almost all of the time, though now that I have regular treatment available for my depression I get out to my appointment once a week, so I'm guaranteed at least to walk under the sky once in a week. Lately, I've been braver and venturing out a bit more. Though there have been days where Wolfe has had to threaten to drag me physically to my appointment If I wouldn't go willingly, I give in, I believe he'd do it. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He makes sure I make every appointment, coming with me, and reminds me to take my medications (sometimes having depression is like having Alzheimer's,) and makes sure that I get enough food and fluids in me. Without him, I'd be a dehydrated lump in the bed all day.
We have some really good plans for the websites, but I don't want to give information away too early in case it takes a long time for us to do. But cool stuff is coming up...
Also of course this coming Saturday is the big head shave, I'm getting quite nervous and excited, I've been growing this mop of curls for a few months now. So that I can't back out if I get too nervous, Wolfe is going to tie me to the chair, so there will be no going back. Essentially the decision has been made, and there is no turning back. The date is set, and the hair cut is on, whether I like it or not. It's been a long time since I've been totally bald, and I'm nervous! I'm a bit worried about my scalp condition, because I've bleached my hair a few more times since my last period of balding, and think I probably have more bleach burn scars on my scalp. How embarrassing. The best time to do this is definitely summer though. I have lots of intense mixed feelings about the head shave. Eep!
I hope there will be a lot of fan support and that people will sign up at least just for a temporary membership, if not more, to watch me live on the streaming camera and be there for me through it all. As I go from mop head to bald head.
Well, I think I'll leave off for now, there are always other things that could be written about, but I'm running out of steam.
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea?
for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream?for a puppy?for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants? For puppy food?For puppy kindergarten? For bankruptcy fees?for neutering costs?