May 7th
Well, I haven't written here for a long long time. I'm continuing to struggle with my depression, and it makes the simplest tasks somehow seem insurmountable. Some things I can motivate myself for others I can't. It's not that sitting here and writing is physically challenging in any way. It's just that this is a journal that's open to the public, sharing the depths of my day to day living when facing this level of depression is challenging for a number of reasons.
First of all, I often don't have much to describe about my daily goings on, because my day's very much look the same as of late, and they are not in any sense of the world glamorous, sexy, or even remotely interesting. I've been functioning pretty minimally since I returned home from the hospital, going out rarely, and entertaining rarely, with just little windows of normalcy. Somehow it feels like a betrayal to my own integrity, if I only write when I do have something to write about, because I feel like it paints a false picture of what is going on with me.
So here is a summary, I've had months of alternating between TV watching and computer game playing, with little brief moments of events, having friends for dinner a couple of times, doing a great wig show with a member one night. Setting up some real life Domination sessions with some people, which I haven't done for a while, but am very psyched about, would be very positive for me, as it's work I really enjoy. Yet this weekend a big session was planned and fell through, hopefully just to be postponed shortly.
In many ways I haven't been writing because it brings out my feelings, as I tend to write about what is most pertinent to me. Right now, doctors, Wolfe, and my brain all agree, that it's not the period in my healing process where I should be focusing on feelings much, as I tend to have over emotionality, and reactivity, and spiral out of control when confronted with negative feelings. So just as I am on emotion numbing medications to take the edge off (believe me I'm still feeling plenty, just toning it down to a capable level, where I'm not acting impulsively in ways that are harmful to myself).
It's like the phone call, that you put off, and put off, or the letter, and then you get to a point, that if you think you reach out now, you have to face the music and really own up to yourself and those you are communicating with, that you've dropped the ball. I feel guilty (again part of my illness is being over guilty feeling about most things) that I have a responsibility to my members and my guests and my friends that come to read here, that I haven't had words to share. Pictures as well have been challenging for me. It's not that I don't love to do them, take them and pose for them, it's just that it's hard to get started, there are many many things that I love, that have been squeezed out of my day to day living because I haven't got the emotional/mental ability to pull myself from house coated stupor in front of the TV or the computer games.
Here's me right now, as a photo update. That's another difficulty for me, is having the self esteem to get on the camera, or in front of it. I wake up in the morning (or afternoon) pull on a house dress, and the day begins, my hair which is growing out of control, even though I took the time to dye it a black cherry is a constant tousled mess. It usually sticks out in a million different directions. Normally I'd work at a flattering photograph, adjust the cam for lighting and colour, and then crop out any clutter in the image, but... well, this is my best effort for today.
So that's it for me today, I'm still a depressed, grieving, struggling, fragile person, who is just trying to take life day by day. My goal (now I'm crying, which is why I've avoided writing) is to make it past my next birthday in June. Part of me thinks I won't see my 33rd year. I'm just working on hanging in there, trying to keep a goal in mind, basically, staying alive.
My other goal is trying to get something going that's going to earn me a little more money from home that is manageable for me to do emotionally, so it has to be something I love to do, that I would do for free, but is usually charged a fee for. So I'm going to try to get some clients happening for pro-domination (Somehow hurting, teasing, taunting, peeing, on other people who are enjoying it, just seems to make me feel better, hmmm... I wonder why being worshipped as a Goddess is so fulfilling <grin>). And/or maybe dog sitting a few of the smaller dogs in the building, since I'm here all day with mine anyways. I'd have to be upfront, that basically they would just be getting supervision, cuddles, pee breaks, and puppy play, and no big walks or energetic theatricals on my part. My plan is any money I make that way to invest back into my health care, either traditional, to pay for therapy, and/or non-traditionally to boost my self esteem (Most of my clothes are worn out, or no longer fit). So it's a good plan, hopefully with Wolfe's help, I can get the promotional part of that done, to get the ball rolling.
Things I have to share, is that I'm very proud of Wolfe, who has put up his own site biwolfe, which I can't recall the url for, but I'm sure is posted on the site elsewhere - usually I do most of the design work on our sites, and he's made this baby fly entirely on his own (though I had the pleasure of taking many of the photographs <smile>) Also for him keeping things functioning here on erotimania and dominaction.
Also, even though I've not had contact with her, I've had one call from barbie, which was challenging for me, and I had a rough few days afterwards (not that she did anything untoward, she was gentle, loving, and respectful and supportive on the phone with me) but as difficult as communicating with her was for me on many levels, I was very happy to hear that she finished her schooling, and was enrolled in further studies, I am so so very proud of her. I know she must be struggling with difficult emotional challenges of her own. Yet, she's an amazing survivor that keeps plugging on, her ability to navigate through her challenging life is literally inspirational for me. I still know that the best thing though for my life, and perhaps for hers, is to have taken separate paths. That will never change the fact that I love and admire her, and can never erase the things that her and I have shared. I like to focus on the positive and on cherishing it.
One thing I do have to share, is on a whim and because Kitty had free passes, Wolfe, Kitty and I went to the big sex 'show' at a local convention centre that basically featured kiosks with products for sale, not much interesting, though they did have a stage with modeling and some entertainment that was a bit interesting at times. Well, they held a fake orgasm contest, and having been told (I did it once on a dare camping, and once as a screen test for a porn company) that I have a great fake orgasm (I don't know how I got that skill as those two times had been the only previous fakers) I entered. I had gotten all dolled up for going out, painted, hair in place, red leather gown, and out of my depressed spirit was heard this little spunky voice inside of me saying 'you know, you -can- win this thing' I did. I won a 100$ vibrator. This was a few weekends ago, and I still haven't tried it (libido has been challenged with my depression too) So, I need to get some batteries (it takes a lot as it has all these 'functions'), and check it out, maybe it will kick start my interest in sex in general (right now the only real sensual interest I have is in acting as a Dominant. All the other contestants stood with their microphones and did their thing, I got down on all fours, assumed the position, moaned, groaned, writhed, and hit the floor with my hand as I re-enacted as best I could what I really do when I'm overflowing with intense pleasure. so a hint of advice, if you ever enter a fake orgasm contest boys and girls... make it as real as you can.
Maybe my new vibe once powered up will end up in a photo shoot, let's hope, but I'm not going to set goals I may not be able to meet, so no promises folx.
Well, that's it from me, I'm going to leave all the other stuff involved in posting a journal entry that I usually do, for Wolfe to help me out with, as I've just run entirely out of steam. Since he's not home till tomorrow it will be a little delay, but there you go.
Thank you to those who have sent letters of support and Heather who has sent material support as well to both Iggy and I. It helps to have people who care out there reaching out in whatever ways they can. You mean a lot to me.
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Recommended this week :
sorry folx, haven't been surfing much lately.
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea?
for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream?for a puppy?for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants? For puppy food?For puppy kindergarten? For bankruptcy fees?for neutering costs?