April 11 - Cruising right along
Well, things are still slow and steady day by day living for me. We had that big moving sale last weekend, and we're going to have another one this weekend. This weekend we just want to get rid of the little things we have left, so we're advertising it as a 2$ or less sale. Hopefully it will make it all irresistible. There will be a few things I'll have to pull and keep, because I can't justify selling them for that price.
The biggest dilemma in moving for me in some ways, has been the artwork. We'd gotten new pieces in the new place, because we had more wall space, now we're moved back into the little condo, and we're overloaded with art, I'm worried everything is going to be a too busy on the walls, but I have a hard time not hanging stuff up that I love, so it's a little more cluttery than I would have wanted. Maybe I'll be able to part with some of it at another 'sale' of some type in the future. The building our condo is in has held a few building sales before in the common room.
I of course, am still dealing with severe depression, and this is still affecting every aspect of my life. Without Wolfe I don't know what I would do, if he's not here bringing me food, water and medication, I simply don't think about doing it for myself. When he spends time with Kitty, he tries to set things up for me while he's gone, but I honestly can't be bothered to eat most of the time. I know my nutrition is suffering, my days food intake can usually be summarized by a can of zoodles, diet coke, and microwave popcorn.
The medication I am on has helped me with the impulsivity part of things, and has tampered down the episodes of extreme out of control emotions, but I'm still left with nights where I don't sleep at all, then nights or days where all I do is sleep, no appetite, and little to no motivation.
It's hard because there is a little part of me inside going 'come on!, we want to have fun!' I want to enjoy things again, I want to want to enjoy food, sex, daily living, I only have little moments of dulled pleasure that peek through my life, it's like being in a dirty, dusty, dank room, and there is a faint beam of sunlight that every once in a while shines through the cracks in the drapery.
I still think of barbie constantly, I don't think that's going to go away, though my thoughts of her now are a little less painful than they have been, I've been more able to cope with the change lately. Sometimes I have pleasant dreams were she and I are hanging out doing something together, and that's nice. It's almost like a part of me feels we're still together having a relationship, and it's just like I haven't seen her for a while. Though I know that's not the case. The issues that both she and I have that made our relationship unhealthy, are not things that there are quick fixes for, and in fact, may not be 'fixable', both her and I have personality issues that have developed over the years and those things are not easily undone, and if they where, then in some ways we'd be two different people. Gives a lot to think about. I know that in order to cope with the pain of being apart, I have to think of it as permanent, because if I start to entertain the idea's of 'ifs' and 'when's' around it, the yearning aching part becomes overwhelming.
What I do hold on to is my love and care for her, and when I think of her, the primary emotional longing I have is for her happiness, I beg the powers that be, the universe, fate, whatever is sacred, to help her create the beautiful prosperous life she deserves full of love and security. When I think of her, I think 'please let her be well, please let her have joy'.
I don't know if I'll be able to have that kind of relationship with a woman again. Because I don't really want to now. I think that nothing will be able to compare to it. Not that I wouldn't have another relationship with a woman, but it wouldn't be the same 'kind' of relationship at all. I don't think I could let another that deep inside of me again, because part of me feels that those places I've shared with barbie, belong as they are now. For instance being submissive or a bottom to someone else, if I did do it, It would probably be on a pretty superficial level, 'light play', though since our break up I have topped, and I know that's something I can be comfortable doing. Being in the dominant position in a relationship with another woman, but I don't think I could let the 'feelings' run very deep, it would be a totally surface thing.
Right now none of that means much anyways, my libido is practically nil. That's why I haven't done a photo shoot yet, or done anything hyper erotic on the camera. What I am going to do is find other people to photograph, which will keep my integrity to my own mood. I like to keep what happens here 'real' and I don't want to be going through the motions and not feeling it.
That's enough for now.
By the way, Wolfe's birthday is tomorrow, so email him a happy birthday (hey, we have e-cards too if you want to use them) I can't afford to get him a lot, but he 'loves' attention, so please please, everyone take the time to email him a happy birthday!
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Recommended this week :
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea?
for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream?for a puppy?for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants? For puppy food?For puppy kindergarten? For bankruptcy fees?for neutering costs?