January 28 - Morpheus
Well, the death of my friend has altered my depressive state once again. I've entered a new phase of sleeping my life away, which I suppose is better than attempting suicide. I find myself sleeping a good 12-16 hours a day, though my dreams are filled with nightmares. I spend as much time crying in my sleeping hours as I do in my waking hours.
Even though I've been apathetic, nay, negligent with my journal writing, I've actually been more active during my awake hours than the past few months in some ways. I get out at least once a week with puppy kindergarten, and barbie managed to get me to a 3 hour introduction to archery class this last weekend, which was really fun, and I did pretty good at it. They have a drop in for only a dollar once a week once you've taken the intro, and I'm looking forward to going every once in a while. So there is some light over my horizon.
My friends funeral is this Wednesday, it will be the first funeral I've ever gone to. There was many years of my life where I vowed I would never attend a funeral, that I'd pay my respects separate from what has become not only a social institution around death, but a material one, but those are my peeved politics. I also vowed for many years I'd never get married, because of the institutions and conventions around that, but here I am, married, and this week attending my first funeral. I've realized that regardless of my beliefs around certain customs, intuitions, traditions, fairy tales, that we create as a cultural group, that they hold real value and meaning to those around me. The people I love and care for, derive comfort, security, and peace in the trappings and rituals involved. Though I may think the ideal forms of respecting love, of respecting life, of respecting death, would be better practiced without the constructs of conventional institutions molding us, those constructs serve a needed purpose for many, and I need to respect that too. It's the world I live in, I can't remove myself from it, I guess I'm a pretty apathetic anarchist, or maybe I'm just a compassionate humanitarian with some alternative views. I guess it all depends on ones perspective, now doesn't it.
I've posted a new recommended site, and like the others, it's a photography site, can't get away from them. I'm very visually focused and many of the sites I really like to surf that grab my attention are those that feature erotic alternative photography.
I'm going away this weekend to celebrate my ten years with Wolfe, not our wedding anniversary, but the one of our first date, first meeting, which is the one we primarily celebrate. Just going to spend the weekend with my parents, not the most romantic of getaways, but a place we both really enjoy being, just to wile away the hours playing cards with them, eating good food, and relaxing in a calm environment.
Then barbie's and mines year anniversary is mid February, so it will be a short, but full month. I'm hoping, with the lunar new year, year of the horse, that a lot of my grief and loss, and sadness will start to be left behind me, and I can move in a positive new direction.
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Recommended this week :
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea?
for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream?for a puppy?for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants? For puppy food?For puppy kindergarten? For bankruptcy fees?for neutering costs?