January 10 - Tribute
Today I found out that a very dear and close friend of mine, died an unexpected and tragic death. I'm still partially in shock, and the tears keep coming in floods. This was a friend that I had made relatively recently, last spring, through barbie, who has known him for a very long time. Thankfully, though complicated in many ways, barbie and I decided to try to mend and work on and continue our relationship just prior to this, and having renewed our commitment to one another, had each other to hold on to through the news of this tragedy. I was woken from sleep from barbie coming home early from school, and fearing that something bad must have happened, was shocked to find out it was the death of this kind and generous man I had come to love so much. She had received the news at school and left immediately, and came to be with me and to break it to me.
I feel so blessed to have had this man in my life for the brief time that I did know him. He was kind to all he knew, and was a wise and loving person. He had so much to share and so much to teach me. When we met, both he and I were suffering extreme depression and mental health issues. I felt the strong need to do all that I could to ease his pain, and help him to survive the difficult time in his life, and in turn he was caring and supportive of me. I think in some ways, over a period of months, we helped to keep one another alive.
Both of us dealing in our own ways with battles of dark and suicidal thoughts, of loss issues, and feeling overwhelmed and over sensitive to a complex world, we made an immediate bond with one another. Even though we had generational differences and different life experiences, we had a lot of common ground in how we emotionally took on the world around us. We had a recognition of some of the similarities we shared, and a definite kinship developed, we also both had in common a deep love of barbie, which didn't hurt our friendship along. There were many times when I had questions, difficulties, concerns, he was there with patience, understanding, and his own quirky sense of humor to bring light and peace on the situation, and most importantly, to remind me, not to blame myself. A trait both he and I had, taking on responsibility for difficult situations around us.
He was the person who recognized that like him, I had a strong need to take care of other people, and that in many ways that part of me was what kept me going, and also at times tore me apart. He would joke that it was good that he had so many difficulties and so much pain, that I could focus on helping him, and heal myself that way, put my problems in perspective. Out of all the promises I made to loved ones, to Doctors, about not making continued suicide attempts, the pact I made with him, that as long as he would have the courage to keep going, keep hope, and keep trying, I promised him so would I, was perhaps one of the most powerful. Though it can't be known for sure from the manner of his passing, it doesn't seem that he took his own life, that rather his death was a tragic accident, in fact, over the past few months he made vast improvements and met many of the goals he had set himself on the path back to well being.
Also, as the holiday season approached, and I started struggling again with feelings of suicide, he was one of the few people I think who could really sense what was going on inside of me on an emotional level. I had been talking for a number of months about how I felt having a dog back in my life, would be very good for me. That it would give me a reason to get up in the morning and open my front door, that having a little being dependent on me, and loving me unconditionally would be both the level of responsibility I could handle, and a level of therapy I dearly needed. Knowing that I couldn't really afford the type of dog that would realistically fit into my lifestyle (no car, reliance on transit, and wanting to start with a puppy) that what I needed and wanted was a small breed puppy and not an adult dog, he *loaned* me the money for Iggy. Both him and I, and everyone who knew him, knowing he would never accept a penny of that money back from me. I do not exaggerate when I say I have never known a more generous soul.
I can't believe he's gone now, I know it, and I'm not really in denial of it, but to think he's never going to be on my door stop again, that I'll never be sitting in the warm havoc of his old truck, that I won't be sharing a glass of his ever present cheap bottle of red wine, that I'll never be able to participate in the little games of trivia he would create to have us all laughing and racking our brains. I'll never see that twinkle in his eye again. I'll never be able to hear the complete sincerity and warmth of his voice, as he tells me 'love ya buddy' and give me that hug goodbye, with that completely pure touch of his.
I have beautiful memories though, of long days driving in the sunshine, seeing the beautiful countryside of his childhood as he shared that with barbie and I, and we made up silly songs together, laughing, smiling, and sharing pure joy.
He has left me such a legacy, I have so much to be thankful to him for. I hope wherever he is, he knows it.
Thank you for helping to keep me alive. Thank you for listening when I needed an understanding soul. Thank you for sharing your love of literature and music, and your gift of books I would never have opened if you'd not insisted I explore them, and how much of you, you shared with me, through those books. Books I still have in little piles on my hall floor, their covers tattered from being handled by you over and over, marked with a little X in black ink (just in case you changed your mind one day and wanted them back)... Oh I remember how much you wanted to give me those books, books you thought that I would love and understand and connect with the way you did, and yet at the same time, they were like children you couldn't bear to let leave your home. The hesitation in your eyes and hands as you sorted and handed books to me that you thought I must have, and then when I didn't want to take them from you, knowing how dear they were to you, your determination that I should have them, that they belonged with me.
I will take up more of my thoughts and my sorrows on this tomorrow. It's just before midnight, and I've gotten a call from barbie, saying she is going to his apartment (she's had keys for years) to take care of some details he would have wanted, and just to to remember him, I'm going to meet her there, and spend the evening with her.
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Recommended this week :
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Come on.... just a little something, money for tea?
for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream?for a puppy?for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants? For puppy food?For puppy kindergarten? For bankruptcy fees?for neutering costs?