January 6 - Three Wiseman's Day
When I was a little girl we celebrated Three Wiseman's Day in our home, and it was on January 6th. A European tradition in some countries, children would leave their shoes out by the fireplace and they would get filled with toys and goodies, supposedly by the three wise men passing back on their journey from Jerusalem. Odd holiday to be celebrated in an atheist household, but I suppose no odder than Christmas itself. I suppose the tradition of hanging stockings is an evolution of three Wiseman's day.
It's been a hard night, and a hard day, thinking about no longer being with barbie. Part of me wants to try and rebuild a relationship, but the greater part of me really knows it's probably better this way. I know she's hurting right now as well, and it feels so odd not to pick up the phone and call and try to comfort and be comforted, but I know where that would go, and it's not the right place to be. I feel lost. I don't know what to do with my feelings, and I have so many of them.
Ignatius thankfully keeps me occupied, and keeps the joy in my heart.
That he always wants to be with me, and near me. Sleeping by my side, bringing his toys to me, finding little things on the floor and bringing them to me for inspection, to see whether it's something he can have, or something I should have, or who knows really what's going through his little doggie brain. He's definitely busy though, and needs a lot of stimulation. We train and play together a lot, and it's amazing to see how much he learns each day, he's like a sponge, and every time we interact we learn more about one another and what we expect out of each other. He's a willful little beast, very intelligent and creative, but very eager to please, to love, and to be loved.
I took some of the homemade dog food I made for him, and mixed in some flour with it and baked it in little cookie forms to make chewy training treats with, he loves them, likes them better than the lamb and rice pepperoni style training treats I was giving him from the store. I'll have to make him more.
I can't wait to hit puppy kindergarten with him next week, I'm so psyched, maybe I'll bring enough cookies/treats for all the class. Wolfe snapped these a week or so ago, before we had gotten him his little black studded leather collar, though in appearance he hardly seems to change much at all to me, maybe just getting a little leggier. I've been trying to get him accustomed to the crate so that he can be safe and comfortable and happy if we need to leave him alone in the future, to let him have a haven all his own. He's been eating in the crate, and now his food and water are out of there, and the pillow he sleeps with on our bed is now in the crate, his toys all live in there, and I periodically leave little treats for him to find inside, sometimes hidden. Today we took a nap in there together, well, just my head, but all of him. I think having a crate is a great thing for a dog, dog's are den animals and feel more secure in a contained style 'bed', and as long as it's used positively and not as a punishment, I think a dog's crate can be one of it's favorite things. When I've had dogs before, their crate was like their room, their private property, only to be entered by me when invited. It was total sanctuary, if it was bath time, or they had stolen something, well, if they made it to the crate in time, they were Scott free. At one time, with my last dog, we had a point where I thought I would let him have the run of the place while we were out, because it would be 'nicer' for him, and he was so calm and relaxed, and I knew he wouldn't get into any trouble. Well he didn't get into trouble, but I quickly learned, and then verified by spying on him, that he couldn't relax. Left alone outside of the crate, he felt like he was on duty, and had to guard the house, instead of his regular calm self, he would pace, he would get jumpy, he'd bark at the sounds of passing neighbors. So, it was back to the crate when we were out, where he would relax, play with the toys left with him, and the kongs (heavy duty hollowed out rubber dog toys) that we left stuffed with challenging to remove treats to chew on (frozen in the summer into kongcicles). I had read from a number of sources that dogs were den animals and felt secure in a crate, but I wasn't totally sold on it until I had seen it in action myself. Now I'm making sure Iggy has a sanctuary of his own that will have all his favorite elements for him when he has to be left alone, which hopefully will happen rarely.
All this focus on Iggy, I know it may seem odd in the mayhem of my life. With my depression, with my inability to go back to work at my 'real job', my ongoing battle with living day to day life because of my mood disorder. Now with my state of bankruptcy on top of that, and even more recently the complete disintegration of my relationship with barbie. In a way that's why I have to focus on him, being responsible for him, being able to care for him, being able to love and be loved by him, to have this dog in my life, and to be able to do that one thing well, and all the joy it brings me, and brings him, is what is really keeping me together right now. That and feeling trickles of care from the outside world, I don't really have many close friends, or many friends at all really, and it's hard to make/maintain friendships in a state of depression. I have a few friends locally that do mean a lot to me when I connect with them. Then there are all the little gestures, conversations, from e-mails, from icq, from people like Peter and from Heather, all those things are like little drops in a continuous intravenous infusion that keeps me moving, breathing, hoping. Actually chatting with Heather now about the pugs.
That's enough from me.
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Recommended this week :
Erotic photography that comes with a manifesto. Beautiful, intense, passionate work, that brings together socio-political explorations of eroticism through images. This site is a feast not only for the eyes, but also for the mind. I haven't explored it completely yet, but so far I've loved everything I've laid eyes on. Don't miss out on this one. Erotic, exotic, evocative, this site makes me want to explore and challenge my creative urges.
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea? for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream?
for a puppy?for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants? For puppy food? For puppy kindergarten? For bankruptcy fees?