January 6 - Mixed Bag
Well, I'm starting off with the positive, because I need to focus on that right now in my life.
I love that Iggy and Nikko have become best of buddies, they have lots of daily wrestling sessions, and even curl up with one another on occasion, they often both sleep together in my arms at night, and boy can I feel the love. These two have really really bonded, and I'm grateful for that. Nikko was dying for a playmate, and Iggy was up for the challenge. Sometimes when they're playing it looks like they're tearing one another to shreds, but with all the teeth showing, and paws flying, I have yet to see a spec of blood, the tiniest scratch, or any other evidence of true mischief. These guys make the pro-wrestlers look clumsy. They throw and drag one another around, jump on one another, chase one another around the house, play tag, share toys, eat out of the same bowl, and I think will have a long friendship.
More good news is that the fantastic people at DogSmart who run the local puppy classes, are going to let me in at a discounted fee, basically the trainer, who I had before when I took my pit-bulls to puppy kindergarten, is a fantastic woman, and told me not to worry, just bring ourselves to the first class, and we'll sort it out then. The important thing is that the puppy gets to school and gets socialized. Yay!
The crappy part of my day, of my life, is surprisingly enough not being money poor, is being relationship poor. My relationship with barbie ended today. I'm not going to get into the details, but it's a hard place to be. We've had ongoing difficulties with communication that both of us have worked hard at, and have seemed to make no progress with. As much as we love one another so much. What do you do, when the fighting becomes so frequent, and there seems to be no end to the conflict. It takes more than love. I'm starting to really believe as much as I want(ed) a meaningful committed long term relationship with a woman (ideally with barbie), maybe it's not meant to happen, and that part of me, the part of me with issues around women and love, will remain forever unhealed.
I feel like giving up on that dream, on that unfilled yearning, that giving up process that's happening now, is changing me. Making me bitter, harder, colder, I don't really like it, but at the same time, I felt as if the relationship conflicts we were having, were destroying other parts of me, and we're hurting both of us. I feel like no matter what choices would be made, if the relationship continued, or ended, parts of me end up damaged in a way I don't like. There's nothing worse than a lose-lose situation.
It's hard for the little girl in me not to feel as if she's failed, and that she's unworthy of the love she's searched for all her life. It's also hard that not all those needs can be met by Wolfe, that I really need something from sharing a love relationship with a woman, that's an integral part of me. Or so I've felt, and am now starting to release it away. 'Be strong' and independent, when in reality I just want to curl up in gentle arms, look into loving eyes, and be told everything is going to be okay. Does it stem from unresolved mother issues, you betchya, but fuck, there it is. It's not like I don't want to give the world back to that person, I'm not looking for a mommy to take care of me, I'm looking for a woman who wants all my love and adoration. But I'm not looking, not anymore, maybe never again.
Letters to Z was my way of coping at times with my feelings around barbie, and around my fantasies, and I won't be writing any more of those either.
I feel as if I'm burying something, and grieving something larger than the end of a relationship, maybe I should hold a funeral.
Anyways, there you have it.
Broke, broken hearted, and next thursday in puppy kindergarten, I won't be knowing whether to laugh, or to cry. I'll still try to take joy where I can find it, and try to survive.
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Recommended this week :
Erotic photography that comes with a manifesto. Beautiful, intense, passionate work, that brings together socio-political explorations of eroticism through images. This site is a feast not only for the eyes, but also for the mind. I haven't explored it completely yet, but so far I've loved everything I've laid eyes on. Don't miss out on this one. Erotic, exotic, evocative, this site makes me want to explore and challenge my creative urges.
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea? for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream?
for a puppy?for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants? For puppy food? For puppy kindergarten? For bankruptcy fees?