December 29th - Trying not to disappear
(I should have titled this entry something like "Not afraid to show the world the depths of my mental and emotional instability" Or "deranged and depressed, and proud of it" or maybe "It's not as bad as it sounds, it's worse", but those are all too long, they don't fit in my index page.
Well, I've been sick the last few days, some weird flu. The worst is being incredibly nauseous, even medication barely takes the edge off, and has allowed me to keep a minimal of calories and liquids in the last little while. I also had some decidedly unpleasant little blisters on the roof of my mouth, which seem to be a part of it, as barbie had the same quirky symptom when she was ill last week. The fact I seem to be getting about five hours sleep a night during this period isn't helping. barbie's been home the last couple of days and has been helpful, but just being around other people when your sick can be stressful in itself.
On to the big fucking mess. Be careful what you wish for. In being polyamorous, I wanted to explore parts of myself with others, the little aching parts at night that felt as if they were searching for someone(s). My mind and spirit filled with odd senses of longings partially satisfied. As perfect and wonderful and fulfilling as my relationship with Wolfe has always been, there has always been this sense of yes, but that's not all!. In barbie, I got what I wished for, what I longed for, and many of those places, and some I didn't know I had, felt complete, whole. Now, I have these two amazing people in my life, and all my 'parts' are engaged, so to speak, yet instead of the beautiful 'poly dreams' I've had, I feel more torn, hurt, confused, and even maybe more 'longing' than I did before. I know I'm not looking for someone to fill any relationship spaces, I know what I have in meeting my needs, emotional, spiritual, etc, in my partners, and it's full full full. Now I have a tummy ache, and I see spots.
I also have a lot of things, I didn't bargain for. The problem is, with the depression, is it's so hard to know what is attached to what, I feel in some ways like my life has become a big tangled ball of many strings, I can't tell where one ends, where one begins, what is attached to what half the time, and where the fuck did all these knots come from? I can identify some pretty big knots at times, but I have often no idea what elements come together in their creation, never mind how to unravel them. Sounds like I need professional help, hmm? Problem is, I know enough about the problem, to know, that unraveling anything I've got now, would mean cutting strings, and I don't want to cut anything. So I'm stuck, I don't want to move, I don't want to lose any of what I have of the things I've searched high and low for, but I can't cope with many of the other things that have come with it. Parts of my relationship with Wolfe paining me, parts with barbie, and how the whole thing comes together. How I can only partly even identify what those paining parts are about, how I feel I can't really share them with anyone, partly because of my incomplete understandings, and also because I feel that any movement just creates more knots. I can skirt about it here, I can talk the corners of it with Wolfe and with barbie at times, but that's about it. Anytime I try to unravel, I find myself bound up tighter, and I'm starting to get worried about parts of my circulation.
Yes, the lovely metaphor, of life's loom, my fucking life, one big messed up craft project. I had in mind some lovely woven tapestry of experience, some work of art, maybe a few errors, maybe a few stains on the finished rug. What I feel like I've ended up with, is a combination of the worlds largest ball of twine, a shit load of knots, and enough rope to hang myself with. Maybe if it had turned out to be a carpet, you could have rolled me in the sucker and thrown me overboard. Actually, on further reflection, I don't think I left myself enough rope to hang myself with, just enough to ensure that I've got less oxygen getting to the grey matter maybe.
XO
Katt(Wolfe, I miss you.)
clix here to vote for my journal please
Recommended this week :
Erotic photography that comes with a manifesto. Beautiful, intense, passionate work, that brings together socio-politcal explorations of eroticism through images. This site is a feast not only for the eyes, but also for the mind. I haven't explored it completely yet, but so far I've loved everything I've laid eyes on. Don't miss out on this one. Erotic, exotic, evocative, this site makes me want to explore and challenge my creative urges.
Letter to Z:
Why do I bother, you're about as real as Santa Claus. Yes, I'm feeling fucking hostile. Just hurt, and sometimes that's what comes out on the other end. Indulging in you, in imaginary friends, is a bad idea. In some ways, the whole concept of you may be just a more evolved and structured version of the dreams that got me into this mess to begin with. The old adages about not finding things in others but in yourself keeps slamming back to mind, and that's all nice and everything, but really, it feels like bullshit. I don't feel like I'm lacking in love from myself, and that's why I want love from others, I don't even feel like I'm lacking in love from others now. It's like I've felt those emotional sockets that wanted plugging, spiritual outlets that were obviously meant to be connected to external components, not re-wired back into me alone, that sought out other's, have been filled, and I have those in my life, in Wolfe, in barbie (There, classic run-on sentence that I love so much, used to be my grammatic over-indulgence of choice as a teen, feels like me, comma comma comma). Maybe I just hate you for not existing. Maybe I should hate Santa Claus, and other things 'to good to be true' pumped at you in childhood, hate the concept of seeking pleasure. Maybe hedonism is my problem, and I should embrace more of Buddhism and the concept that truly all life is suffering.
ARgh!!!!!!!!! leave me alone, you're all just a pack of cards!
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea? for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream?
for a puppy?for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants? For puppy food? For puppy kindergarten? For bankruptcy fees?