December 17 - Ouch
Oh dear. I think all puppies do is pee, poop, play, eat, and sleep, almost in that order.
I'm exhausted.
He's conked out on my lap now, adding some fun extra weight to my mousing arm, which he is so casually draped over. Making little pugish snuffly noises in his sleep. Life is in turmoil, but that makes it interesting doesn't it? I can't believe I borrowed all this money for a dog, which I'm going to have to pay off in small installments (this is a very good friend who has some financial stability who lent me the money) and in all likelihood I'll be visiting the food bank this week and for some weeks after. Some people may take offense to that, but you know, I really really needed this dog, this particular dog, in my life right now. So food budget is now puppy pay off and puppy food and puppy vaccination and puppy neuter money over the next few months, probably 6 months. ergh.
I'm downsizing my Christmas gifts. The handmade bath salts with essential oils I am giving are now not going to be packaged in glass containers I was going to buy, they're going out to people in plastic zip-up type baggies, because those I already have. I already have all the supplies for the salts themselves. Oh well. I have a few little things I feel I have to buy, so I'm going to go out and do some shopping tomorrow while Wolfe puppy sits with Iggy.
I've had a rough week in some ways. We've been postponing bankruptcy for as long as possible, but now our debts have gone to collection, and they're going to be filing a court order to hold our accounts, so we have to declare ASAP. That's problematical, because we have to pay some money to the trustee right away in order to file, so we're trying to get them to hold the court order for a just a few days until my disability check comes on Friday, so we'll set up an appointment with the trustee to file for Friday.
And, of course, my depression is really getting me down. Ha ha. I have days that are better, but over all it sucks to live a life that revolves primarily around the bed, the couch, the television, and food. The puppy is a definite improvement - at least I'm getting more exercise as I'm forced to move from the couch/bed to the great outdoors of the front yard frequently.
It's also difficult because I find a lot of my issues, which I haven't totally identified, because so much of the stuff is buried behind some pretty deep walls, are very easily triggered by any, even small, conflicts with barbie. I know a lot of those issues are related to women, and stem from early childhood, I know I've had challenging relationships with women all my life. I also know, that this relationship with barbie challenges me more than any relationship I've had before, that, combined with the most love I've shared with another woman, and with the times of total love and security I've felt with her, have created a powerful catalyst. I have a relationship where I feel safer than I've felt before, but at the same time which raises many of my deep seated fears and issues. The result is I have some major stuff come up for me sometimes. I know I have things that happened when I was a child, that I've totally repressed. I know that my mind has become very adept at completely forgetting, obliterating, memories of things that it finds upsetting. I've got enough puzzle pieces to be aware of that. I don't have memories coming back of those things, but I have peripheral memories, and terrible horrible frightening feelings. I have times where I regress into a complete panic of feelings and fears, and it's like I know, and don't know all at the same time. Very hard to describe. Last night I had that happen. I was upset, I was crying in bed, about current events, and then out of the blue, I remember my sister talking about how I was transferred to a new school half way through grade three because of an abusive teacher. I have no memories of that, but remembering my sister talking about my transfer, even though I have no details, and no memories, I start to freak out, I was calling barbie, I was crying, howling, and I felt totally separate from my body. I was panicking, thrashing, barbie said that I hit her, that I was yelling. I had no memories of events, but it's like I was having a memory of the feeling, the pure feeling of something, and the not knowing, and knowing, all at the same time.
Part of me wants to remember all those things from my childhood that are ruling me today, but most of me is terrified still, and doesn't want to know.
That struggle in me caused a huge headache, literally, last night, and I was up late waiting for pain killers to kick in, and to be able to center myself somewhat before braving sleep.
I also had nightmares all through my childhood, which indicates to me that likely there was something going on that was causing me a lot of stress. Nightmares, upset stomachs often, nosebleeds often, afraid of the dark - very.
I have the upset stomach back, full force, and nightmares. Lots of nightmares again in the last little while. I'm grateful I'm over the nosebleeds and the fear of the dark, thank goodness for that.
Well enough of that, the puppy is stirring, I think I have to run out for another pee break, and then maybe I'll be able to get some sleep myself.
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Recommended this week :
This photographer does some truly amazing work. Captivating photography, with real depth, sometimes with a disturbing and dark element to his work.
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea? for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream?
for a puppy?for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants? For puppy food? For puppy kindergarten? For bankruptcy fees?