December 3 - Sunny breaks
Well, there are some sunny breaks in my emotionally cloudy and turbulent weather. I finally went to bed this afternoon. Had a long nap, and woke up feeling much better. I woke up feeling okay, no longer nauseous, no anxious upset stomach, not filled with anger and hurt, just a little quiet nervousness and that overcast of gloom that's been following me around a hazy grey. I could breathe a bit. Then, Wolfe informed me that I had good email (we read one another's non-intimate stuff all the time).
I had very good email. Hanne Blank from Scarlet Letters had written me to say that the column I had submitted for her review, for Scarlet Letters, was... good. <Gulp>. I was going to wait until it was actually there, in font, before I wrote about it here, but I can't help myself now. I knew it was important to me, but I had no idea how important till I sat in front of that email with my eyes overflowing with tears.
I take these women seriously. Hanne Blank and Heather Corinna from Scarlet Letters, are two writers/editors that I admire greatly. They have knowledge, skills, and experience in writing that far exceed anything I feel I can hope to accomplish. I know I have my own brand of talent and ability, but I also know that I have areas that are challenging for me, that will never touch on their level of accomplishment. My mind simply doesn't work that way. I just am lacking some form of ability to get there, I don't think I have the room left in my memory banks to absorb half the vocabulary they possess. Never mind grasping basic grammatical rules (I've always had a problem with rules). I don't think very linearly, I often feel like... I'm, translating, for people. Like my brain speaks a language all it's own. Wolfe says "It's like you process all the time, and you take all this unrelated (to him) information that gets mixed in together, and then something totally new just comes out, you're like not a logical thinker, you don't go from a to b, it's like you go from a to z". For me when I write, (not that people with great vocabularies and technical skills don't do this)? It's almost like I'm in a pseudo trance state, I just pump stuff out, it's like it all comes together from somewhere on a subconscious level, I just let it out. I don't really seem to think about things and process things the way most people I've known seem to. I rely mostly on intuition, or something like it, to express myself. Could I do it differently, probably, but ... the metaphor that comes to mind, is it would be like faking an orgasm, it would just feel wrong, phony, contrived... and not at all like the real thing. It might look better on the outside to some, but it wouldn't have my spirit in it.
So now I'm a pseudo-happy grrrl. I have to pick a picture for my bio, and think of how I want to describe myself in a 120 words or less. Actually, I guess it would be more accurate to say, not to think of how I want to describe myself, because what I'm going to go do, is make some desktop images, do some site and art work, and wait until the feeling of wanting to write a bio stirs me up. I'll get those little labor pains, something will have gestated, and then I'll rush into the word processor and hope for a smooth delivery.
(Thank you universe)
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Recommended this week - Eye Candy Photography. Photographer Rayce offers free galleries of gothic babes. A small but well done totally free art photography site. Easy to navigate, clean well laid out site. With small but creative photo galleries, of alternative beauties.
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea? for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream? for a puppy? for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants?