December 2 - brief and gloomy?
Ugh - when I hit the low lows... my sleep cycle spins wildly out of control. It ends up with me sleeping most of the day, and up all night. I went to bed at 4 am last night, and woke up at 2pm today, was up for an hour, then went back to bed for an hour, and now I'm up again. Till who knows how late tonight.
I'm dying to get the photos up that I shot last month with our friends from sexysoles. BDSM galleries, foot fetish galleries... all content for Dominaction. Some beautiful stuff, we have all those done on our camera, but are missing the ones done on theirs, and to make things make sense gallery wise, they kind of need to be dealt with all together. They have a more relaxed leisurely approach to getting their content up, which is great. Me, I'm usually sitting up all night right after the shoot, cropping, adjusting color, etc, so that Wolfe can put them up at his leisure - usually the following week. So, I think in order to deal with my restless need to have pictures to play with, I'm going to have to do another shoot in the next couple of days. Maybe more than one. I want to do a fantasy one with me in flames. I also want to do some more seasonal holiday pictures as well, which will give me more content to make more e-cards, and that should keep my graphics fiddling needs met for a little bit. I think I'm going to make some desktop images as well. Then I'm going to surf around and see if I can learn how to make some other things, like screen savers, or skins for win amp. Just for fun.
I've also been browsing around looking at sites already for next weeks recommend. I keep on looking at photography sites with fetish content, though I kind of wanted to do something with different content from this weeks, like a journal, so who knows. I'm going to end up with a list of places soon if I'm not careful!
It's hard to talk about what goes on for me when things are going really bad sometimes. Often that's because it gets enmeshed with relationship stuff that I don't want to drag out for the whole world to see. Which is challenging, because a big part of me still needs and wants to write about my feelings. (I really appreciate the supportive email by the way - even if I can't always write back - depression sometimes just sucks all my communication motivations away). I find that I'm overly sensitive in this emotional state, and little things that people say or do that may have a negative edge that aren't meant personally, I take personally, and in a really deep way. So any disharmony in my relationships gets highly amplified. Instead of being able to shrug it off as simply the normal way in which the other person communicates, I take everything to it's most painful conclusion. Feeling so much internal pain already, I get incredibly anxious at the prospect of hurting more, and then start to avoid people, circumstances, conversations, intimacy, anything that -might- go 'wrong' and lead to more hurt. It ends up with me shutting down into a ball of confused, frightened, angry, hurt, seclusion. I keep emotional and physical distance in order to avoid feeling the other person has created it or rejected me. I feel safe, crazily enough, alone with my own hurt - the comfortable familiar ache of already existing fears and worries. Safer crying alone in the dark, in my own bed, with no one to hear me - than in the arms of someone asking 'dangerous' questions - what if they don't like the answers? Then of course, I've created the additional strain of isolating myself from my loved ones, and then suffer the repercussions of my guilt, in not meeting their needs. When your very depressed, almost everything looks like a 'lose-lose' situation, and that all the choices, are bad ones, some just worse than others. No longer actively suicidal - I still spend many hours, trying to disappear, in sleep, in working on the site, in television, in computer games.
Well, that's today's brief and gloomy entry.
I have nothing else to give you right now.
Recommended this week - Eye Candy Photography. Photographer Rayce offers free galleries of gothic babes. A small but well done totally free art photography site. Easy to navigate, clean well laid out site. With small but creative photo galleries, of alternative beauties.
XO
Kattclix here to vote for my journal please
Come on.... just a little something, money for tea? for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream? for a puppy? for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? hooked on phonics lessons? for anti-depressants?