November 22 - Howl
It's 2:30 am, and unlike most 2:30 a.m.'s as of recently I'm not up because I haven't been able to fall asleep, rather I went to bed at a normal hour this evening, and woke up at 2am and am now trying to recapture my sense of peace.
I woke up at 2am to the heart breaking skin rippling sound of a long loud mournful howl cutting into the soft dark like something pure, primal and leaving a palatable and hard to define resonance in the still charcoal and blue monochromatic world of my otherwise empty apartment. Just me and four legged or finned ones in the house tonight. Wolfe off at Kitty's, barbie at her home hopefully sleeping deeply to get ready for an early day. barbie's dog who has been spending time here with me for numerous and complicated reasons I won't get into, misses her dearly. I think he woke himself up with that soulful howl, I can't imagine what he was dreaming. All I know is my heart felt like it was unseaming itself at the sound, and I had the lights on and was up and giving belly rubs in an instant. I migrated with him immediately to our computer room bed out of the main big bed, because the computer room bed is the one he's allowed on, and I curled up with him with the blankets and dark, where he pressed himself close against me, on his back, and let me rub his chest and belly and head. Full of big sighs, and very clingy, he seemed to need a lot of reassurance. Which in some ways is good, because it's' worse when he's upset and doesn't want you to touch him at all... which can happen with him too.
He's an old dog, a beautiful rottie, a big sweet love, with a strong personality. Yes, I'm totally in love with him. I bought him one of his favorite chew sticks yesterday, I can't help but want to spoil him all the time, but I try to keep strict with myself so I don't encourage any bad habits... the last thing I want is to be deemed a bad dog sitter and have my privileges revoked. <smile>. It's hard though because he misses his person so much that you want to give him the world to try and make up for it. I know what it feels like to have that empty longing in you. I can't imagine what it feels like to him, for a dog, dogs are so full of love and loyalties, and then not really fully being able to understand. Not being able to completely explain it to him, the change in schedules, his seeing less of her. barbie was asking the other day how much she owed me for dog sitting, and I was confused for a moment... like if anyone had to owe or pay anyone anything it should be me... so how much do I owe you for renting your dog? <grin>
Anyways, the night's been unsettled now. I can't seem to crawl back alone into my big empty bed. I can't seem to crawl back into the computer room bed with the big smelly old love, so here I am doing what I always do when I don't know what else to do, I'm just writing it out. With him behind me, an arms length away, watching, waiting, he seems to be getting sleepy again, which is good I suppose, he's not too stressed.
I think I'm waiting for the howl to leave the air. It still feels like it's there, like it moved through the house like a shock wave, and has left a vacuum behind. My superstitious parts worry about barbie, and if she lived alone I'd be calling and disturbing her to make sure she was alright (and to put her on the phone with her dog) but I can't risk waking her room-mates, and really shouldn't wake her either. I trust that big old dog, he's a wise one, and I hope and wonder that it was just a bad dream, and not his sensitive insight that invoked that chilling mournful howl. I'm going to wonder it for a bit, before I can still myself enough to sleep.
Oh what I would give for a tummy rub and some reassuring words of my own right now... I think I'm back to the computer room bed to have a conversation with my buddy, see if we can get some more resolution, and then I'll try to sleep again. We'll try to sleep again I hope, and I'll wish us both good dreams.
XO
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Come on.... just a little something, money for tea? for Christmas dinner? for toilet paper? for shaving cream? for a puppy? for oranges? for tampons? for paper? for Mr. Noodle? For dog chews?