November 13 - Coyote Shivers
Sitting here naked as I often am, writing my journal, and I just haven't got goose bumps, I have coyote size shivers.
Actually, months ago, I mentioned Coyote Shivers in a journal entry in regards to music I was listening to (the song bisexual girl - it's one of my faves... hmmm.. wonder why?) while I was pumping out some spontaneous poetry in that same journal entry.
Well Coyote searching for places in the cyber world where his name popped up, came to my site to visit, and then wrote me a couple of times, and the other night we exchanged a few emails, you know that rapid back and forth kind of email chat? I am all flusterpated over it. Really... silly giggly happy. Every time I get someone by to the site that's kind of 'famous' or even that I've just heard of from from somewhere else that I admire in some way.. it's like... this sense of weird awe that they're on my site. (Looking at nekkid pictures of me, even better). Not that I'm one of those people that gets autographs, or gets all weird like people who are famous are some how in a different stratosphere than the rest of the people in the world. I respect people for being people.
Coyote Shivers is amazing, music, and well... ummm... not at all hard on the eyes (I can't decide whose more gorgeous him or his wife) you visit the sites and tell me? www.coyoteshivers.com and www.coyoteshiversarmy.com
He also said I could snag some pics of him to pop in here in my journal from his sites... or, he would even send me some (think I could get some naked ones?... purrrrrr)
So here's what I mean.
Is that yummy or what? Canadian grown like Wolfe and I, though he comes from the east coast, and I'm a west coast girl.
Well, he was kind enough to say he liked what he saw on the site. Though I don't think my chubby bod measures up quite to the sleek perfection of the women that have been near and dear to him. His wives, past and present are both amazing beauties, and look like they weigh in at half my size.
It's odd too, that when people whose names I recognize end up cruising my site, that I get more self conscious about my appearance! eep!.... The 30 pounds I've gained in the last 6 months with my depression are weighing a little extra heavy on me today (and I was -not- a little girl before those 30 pounds).
Okay, so I'm not your typical porn chick. Here I sit, a whopping 225 pounds of curves, which I think I carry pretty well on my tall frame with some of those kickboxing muscles lurking somewhere underneath there (I hope after 6 months or more of being almost totally sedentary). I have 9 years of college/univeristy, three degrees, My latest and greatest an MA in counseling psych. One of my undergrads in psych, the other in fine arts. I have my blue belt in kickboxing and I used to be an assistant instructor. I'm married to Wolfe, for 6 years, we've been living together for 10 years. I've got this dominant butch girlfriend I can't even begin to describe. I'm home with major depression for the last 6 months, and... I spend all my spare time on one of my favorite hobbies... making porn. Does that seem a bit odd to you? I keep saying one of these days I'm going to write a book ( I've actually started a couple, but never came close to finishing them) but I wonder if I'll ever get around to it.
Fame has always been more important to me than fortune (ha ha) actually that is kind of a private joke, or not so private now, because I've never really aspired to either. (accumulating 60 grand in student loans in not highly marketable areas of study is -not- how you get rich, it's how you declare bankruptcy.. which is what we've put off now again, and are going to do next month, really). I've always just studied what has interested me, and done what's interested me, and left it at that. I can't see living for money, it's supposed to be the other way around, money is for living. As for the fame... okay, so I think all exhibitionists like to be exposed, so that has some more appeal. How ever, more important to me is making some kind of positive impact on people. I'd like to make some ripples in the pond big enough for people to see, but I want them to preferably mean something.
So where does all that stuff follow from coyote? Well, I guess there is this little conniving manipulative greedy little girl part of me that just wants to climb into that sexy lap and look into those twinkling eyes of his.. and go 'promote me?' 'please?'... Well at least I'm honest. That's not all I'd want to do in that lap mind you, but hey. I have to say. It happens. I, like many other people I know, get that little voice inside, that says, when you are around really wealthy people (couldn't they just give me a little money?) and around people who have some fame (couldn't they just plug me a little somewhere?) Though I don't usually voice it. I am a little ashamed of it really. When it comes right down to it. Why? Because those people worked hard for what they have, usually, and regardless the last thing they need is for other people to focus on getting a part of what they've got instead of focusing on who they are. People should be seen for the who they are, not the what they've got... I believe that, so when a part of me starts thinking about what they've got that I need.. I get pissy at myself.
So... here I am, feeling more self conscious of my flaws then usual, I'd like to blame coyote shivers, but I can't... It's just lil' ol' me.
But what a babe, eh? Not me silly, Coyote!
XO
Katt
Letter to Z:
Tsuki, the pale female betta fish. died. No spawning, and it was SO close. broke my heart. Last night I even dreamt that I had woken to find little eggs all nestled away in the bubble nest. I was waking up every 4 hours to make sure that if they had spawned I would take the female out in time before the male killed her protecting the eggs. Well, there were no eggs when I awoke, and the female was in the exact position she should be for mating, floating, tail up, head down, right beneath the bubble nest, and the male was making s curves of flirtation in the water, and I realized, she was too still. I looked closer, and her gills were looking funny, I hadn't remembered them being swollen and dark red looking. I prodded her gently, and realized, she was dead.
So.. I sat for a moment and tried to decide, whether to just flush her, or whether to see if the male would inseminate eggs from her without actually being the one to squeeze them out of her himself. I thought, well, what harm can it do, lets try. After I fished her out of the water, I had serious second thoughts. she smelled funny. I hesitated, and started to squeeze her gently, nothing, then more firmly... some eggs slid out, but not many, and some blood, finally I took a pin and enlarged the opening the eggs came from and emptied the sack. I was feeling a little nauseous. This is odd, because I can prepare whole fish for eating, and have taken roe from salmon to eat raw right from the freshly killed fish. I grew up with my father as a hunter, preparing the meat in our basement, bleeding the doe into the bucket before he butchered it, and eating my mother's blood pudding. But this was my fish!... This was going to, supposed to, be this beautiful birthing event. I had watched the courtship, I had nurtured the environment... I had felt like an expectant god parent.
Then the toilet, which is sometimes finicky.. wouldn't flush her, and after several attempts, I had to keep looking at her... well. It all sucked.
Did the male inseminate the eggs, no, he did what I expected he probably might, and ate them, every last one. Oh well, probably good for him anyways.
I decided to isolate hana my red female betta, now that I know that when in isolation is when they start to get heavy with eggs, and I will try again with her. I would really like to experience the whole thing.
I missed you today. I wished I could have called instead of just writing to tell you about the fish... though I think if I had spoken it to you, I would have cried about it. You bring my emotions out. I told Wolfe, and I let him know I was upset, but it's something about the way you deeply empathize with me that always releases my feelings to the surface. Sometimes I know, to the pain of both of us. I'm hoping you come back soon.
I editing pictures today of Kitty and Wolfe, and he had put her in chain bondage, beautiful work, and I missed us playing together. Wolfe has invited me to play at Club 23west, as they're going to have regular events every second Tuesday there now. I want to play with him of course. Though I also ache for you, and it's been so long since we've played. I know you'll understand though, and that we'll get a chance to play you and I as soon as you've returned.
Good luck with your new assignment, I know you start today. I know your nervous about it, but I know you, and you'll do fine.
Remember always, I believe in you.
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