October 19th - Depression
Having a number of low days...battling with my internal demons.
Depression feeding away on my inside like some insatiable vampiric force
leaving me drained, lethargic, numb, and with a self esteem that seems to crumble
into dust in the palms of my now unfamiliar hands.
Withdrawn from the world, it's like I've entered a little cocoon of my own making
Inside this quiet melancholy place, things look flat, and often ugly.
There lives mostly despair here, and little hope. I feel useless, and a burden to
those around me. Like I have failed myself, and all those I love.
It's hard to communicate, what happens inside of me. I sit still and silent while
the world moves around me. Concerned voices trying to determine what's wrong
how I can be helped, what it is that's bothering me... and I, I float above all
the questions in this confused lost place where I feel voiceless. That anything I may
say will only make things more hopeless, bring more pain, better to hide everything away.
Try to disappear inside of my being.
I get exhausted, well meaning questions, support, offers and expressions of well being
pushing on me like reminders of how low I've sunk. Gentle reminders to get out of
bed, to bathe, to eat, to smile... what is it I'd like to do. I don't know... I'm not sure
who I am anymore. I don't want to be alone, but I want them to leave me alone.
I'm scared to be alone, but I'm afraid to be alone...
Hear no evil... sometimes I feel like I just can't listen anymore. All the pain I cause
how hard it is for people to cope with my mental and emotional state. I tune it all
away, I want to escape somewhere where the hurting doesn't exist anymore, and I can't
find that place, except sometimes in sleep. It becomes a constant roar, even the littlest
whispers, wants, needs, how can I care for those I love, when I can't care for myself.
How can I let those people down, how can I live with myself for failing myself and those
who love me so profoundly.
See no evil... I slip into a disassociative state, I close my eyes to all the pressures around me
I tune out and away. I can't bear to see what is happening, what might happen, what the
slow disintegration of my life around me is coming too. It's so hard to see the love and the
positive anymore, it feels like everything I touch is contaminated with my depression
like a poison I leak from my spirit. Those I love, likely better off without me. I don't want to
ruin anymore lives.
Speak no evil... I haven't been speaking much of what is going on with me, to anyone..
so here it all is. Simplified, illustrated, trying to convey where I stand, where I fall.
Why pretend that things are other than as they are. There are so many more things I could say,
but why take things to even lower levels of my emotional depravity. This is my journal
I speak my piece/peace here. It's only for me to understand.XO
Katt