October 6th - Relapse?
I've had some really low lows in the last week. I've had lots of times where I feel like I'm functioning
not too badly either, getting things done. But the times where I have really crashed I've been in some
harsh headspaces where I haven't been before, very despondent and disassociative. Even though I don't
think I'll ever make another suicide attempt. Sometimes I feel as if I've become the living dead.I haven't been getting out of the house much.
In Canada this is thanksgiving weekend. A holiday I really haven't celebrated much in the past.
I'm not sure what if anything I want to do about thanksgiving this year.
It's an important holiday for barbie, but I don't know if I have the resources to create a holiday environment.
Wolfe is spending it with Kitty and her friends, she tends to keep to her own little group of 'family' of friends
that she's built up over the years, and so I won't be seeing Wolfe over the weekend, other than a little bit today.I think I may spend a few days alone, by choice.
barbie and I have the flu, and with my mood lately, my coping resources are few.
Last night, went to the once monthly local poly meet, felt distant, had some little pieces of conversation here
and there. Felt keenly the disparity of my existing relationships, felt lost. Came home with barbie much later
that night, and Wolfe came home around the same time. barbie left shortly afterwards, and I just sat up for a
few hours late into the night, glued to my spot on the couch, crying on and off.Sometimes I think.. I'm headed for another 'breakdown' and then I shiver with the cold realization, that
I'm already broken down, and if I fragment further, where does that take me?I wonder about writing these journal entries, and think about instead putting on a 'brave face' for the world,
but I can't do that. It's not me, and it's not what this journal's about. This is the real deal.XO
Katt