September 16th - Alone
All I yearn for is your arms
your perfect kisses that melt in my mouth
losing where my lips and tongue end and yours begin
The feeling that floats to the surface of ethereal being
that feeling of surrender, desire, warmth and belonging
completion
The way your voice coats my most tender longings
like the sweetest honey, your words a full round resonance
that clicks something inside of me into place
like the tumbler of a combination lock
that only you have the digits for.
Safety
safety and love
when I can let go, let go of myself
and let you cradle me in your love.
How many days now of wading through thorns
looking for those roses
struggling
wanting, mourning.
Five moons ago you slipped a golden thong around my spirit
claimed me as your own, something precious
sacred bonding
and this anniversary of it's passing
remains a turbulent reminder
the empty space a questioning of whether
all the totality, fulfillment, dreams, love
that I feel, is but a fantasy I create within me.
Bitter child inside of me can't help but think
if you felt the same... you'd be knocking on my door
you'd be crying in my ear
you'd be scrambling to put us back into harmony.
I can't do it anymore, call, plead, nag
drop half a dozen potted plants of yellow blossoms on your doorstep
waking your room-mates
calling you over and over and over trying to find the smallest
scrap of evidence that I really have more meaning
than what color to paint your dresser
when all I can think about is you painting me yellow
about that feeling of being so wanted, the heat of your body
marking me over and over and over.
How many times I've thought I've come
bearing gifts, bringing love, opening my arms, my heart
to find shut doors
turned away from worship at the temple.
How to seek balance in a relationship where I can't stop giving
where it feels like from the first kiss
a siphon had slipped into my soul and it matters not
how far I try to go, I'm always flowing into you into you into you.
Flashes like sharp glass slash at my memory
"It can't always be about you"
"How many fucking times have I told you..."
"Don't make me have to pull over..."
"I'm breaking up with you"
"this is hard for me, you are not what I wanted in a relationship"
"I have had to sacrifice so much of my own values and beliefs just to be with you"
So many more, hard words and harder times, things I've said too.
Thinking about laying in the park, dying, and wishing you were holding me
Tonight, in the bar, Milk and Honey... Fly girl with Butterfly
watching all the women, mingling, kissing, dancing, loving, quarreling
listening to the music pounding in my body
remembering being on the dance floor with you
your smile, creating my home, my body in your strong arms
flying in circles as my feet clear the floor
reveling in that you are the only person who has made it safe for me
to be picked up.
I would scream when my father did it when I was a little girl
cry and plead, and when Wolfe would ask I would tearfully shake me head
with old fears... no don't pick me up, I don't like it.
and all I want to do know, all I want to be, is in that weightless place
where your arms are surrounding me, supporting me, holding me
and the warmth of your body melts all my anxieties away
and the sound of your voice in my ear is like all the safe places
I've ever dreamt of as a little girl, smoothing away years and years of pain
and here I am now, alone on our anniversary, torn between the
souls knowing of a sacred union, of safety, of home, of belonging
and the residues of our lives pains creating the barriers for that being
bitter and alone, tears eroding pathways down my cheeks.
I feel myself, I may still be alive, I may have survived my attempts
at embracing death
but it seems moment by moment, my loves and my safe places
are drifting farther and farther away from me.
Mishima, like a chunk of my soul torn lose and lost
Wolfe, pacing like his lone days, trying to sort out his pack.
And you barbie... how long can we go on with me unable to be
who you need and want me to be.
I feel lost, surrounded by love that I can't really let inside
the safety and security of my hopes and dreams
of my longing to create family and harmony
feeling as if they are fragile and crumbling fantasies
Perhaps more alone and lonely, than I have ever felt in my entire life
There is no greater curse, than knowing what your true hearts desire is
what your place in the pattern is
what you are born to be, and how to be it
and not being able to actualize it.
Trapped, in a place I can't describe, that no one seems to understand.
A place inside myself
waiting, for I don't know what.
I have this frightening sensation, that all my life
I've been preparing myself for a particular journey
my life's calling, the path I'm supposed to walk
and that I've arrived at the train station... only to find that I've missed my ride
that the last train has left
that was my only ticket, that was my only option...
and now, now I don't know where to go.
I keep sitting here inside myself thinking... this can't be right.
There must be something more, something, where do I go now?
And all there is to do is sit and wait, even though I know I've missed it.
Alone
on the platform
XO
Katt