August 12 - Blurry
Feeling like in many ways, I have a tentative grasp on reality.
Not that things are really out of whack... just... blurry.
Don't know what to say, or how, what to think or how.
Trying to find how I can find balance and health in my life right now.
I've
made myself a vow, that I don't think I'll break, that I'll never
try to take my life again, but when the pressure's on I still find
myself with the ever recurrent fantasies of 'disappearing'...
I guess the struggle now is to not become the walking dead.
To
live, without shutting who I am down... how to be me in the
context of the flux of life around me.
Dyed
blonde... hey if you can't die, why not dye?
ha-ha... depressive sense of humor... not a pretty thing.
As the Klingons would say "Today is a good day to dye"
... or something like that.
Okay... so I'm avoiding the real issues, whatever the hell they are.
I had a phenomenally shitty day yesterday... and a mediocre night before that.
The
night before last wasn't too bad, the best part was going to the play party and
getting to flog, and cane, and crop, and generally work over the lovely
butterfly until she was in torrents of delicious tears. Then she came
home with me, and I took some pictures of and with her while
we played around a bit on my kitchen table.
The
hard part of that was, that I really wanted to not just top at
that party, but also really to bottom. There's some tension and
conflict in the bdsm dynamics in my relationships right now, and
I'm not sure how or if they are really resolvable. There are resolutions
but all the resolutions are ones which leave people with a lot of
pain. I'm the lucky individual who gets to decide which one of
my loved ones gets to suffer which particular psychological torture
at the fall out of my decision.
Choices
which have to be made, all of which in some way result
in walls, limitations, wedges pushed in-between people. I've never thought
that in being poly, with the nature of Wolfe's and mine's personalities and
ideals, values and choices, that I would be in the position I'm in now...
and have been in various ways over the last few months. Somehow I've managed
to engage myself in relationships where I have to make continuous choices
that lead to people feeling betrayed, excluded, or just generally
shitty,
and everywhere around me I feel trust crumbling, including within.
And
as I struggle to build love, to build trust, and to build joy...
I feel every time I turn the corner, pain is staring me in the face.
Fear is ogling me with rampant threats.
And my self... my self is being fractured.
Some
may think the solution is to simply end relationships, one or both.. or
Well... I think those choices like all the others still end up with painful
no win consequences. So here I sit. In perpetual conflict.
Conflict where chaos lies.. and no longer in balance.
Trying to find a way to create order to keep things from unraveling.
Though
try as I might, I keep on feeling.. blurry, like things are perpetually
dissolving around me, and inside of me.
.
I was
hoping for a good evening last night, there was a big bi-dance
as part of a huge bisexual conference this weekend, and I was really looking
forward to going.. well. Everything was off. I struggled with
relationship
conflicts all day... ended up finally getting to the dance around 11:30,
half way through, and it ended at 1am. Continued to have unresolved
relationship issues. With both my partners there, with a number of people
I knew.. I managed to feel alone and distant all evening.
Dressed
to the nines, wearing all the bells and whistles, and smiles, trying to
create joy, where all I had inside of me was a constant ache.
I'm still here.. home now, writing the next day at 6am, I haven't been
to bed yet, I can't sleep. My love asleep in the bed behind me.
Close enough to reach out and touch from the chair I'm sitting in now.
Yet feeling a million miles away...
XO
Katt