August 9th - Outlaw Katt
Well, I haven't written again in eons, but I have a feeling I'm going to be writing again regularly now. Life seems to be slowly congealing into some sort of routine.
There are lots and lots of shifts going on for me right now.
Since I wrote last, I made one more suicide attempt. One I truly feel will be my very last. I think I've finally pulled free of the worst of the depression, and even if things sink so low again, I doubt I will consider suicide ever again as an option. My last attempt was rather brutal, and by all accounts, I shouldn't be here today. I took a massive overdose of a variety of medications in a huge chemical cocktail and then spent the night sleeping in the woods with it all in my system. It was remarkable that I was found the next morning, and even more remarkable that I was alive. I had a week stay in the hospital after that, very weak and very ill, in the cardiac unit as they monitored to see if my heart, which had likely stopped in the early morning, was going to regain it's health, and to see if any damage had been done to other internal organs. Luckily enough, there was no permanent damage done anywhere, and my heart, though still beating too fast, and at times erratically is expected to completely return to normal and I'm not in any danger from it's exaggerated current rhythms. Since then, I've been slowly regaining my strength, and my joie de vivre.
Shortly after my stay in hospital, barbie and a friend took me on a trip to Kamloops, a city some six hours out of Vancouver (British Columbia, Canada) where I live. We stayed in a motel, with a pool, hot tub and sauna. I had lots and lots of fun and relaxation. And engaged in a lot of play of various types. I think it was an event that really helped to bring me back into my self.
The support of barbie, and Wolfe, and of my sister - one of my closer family members, and then the new friend I made through barbie, really helped me to regain some self esteem, some self love, some sense of joy in living, and rebuild my dreams - perhaps to become even stronger than before.
I did a little pro-domination work on the trip, played cow girl (Sheriff Katt... Outlaw Katt!) and ended up getting a lot of fetishy Western wear. I feel a few new websites coming on in the future... hmmmm... maybe something to do with human ponies/dogs. I definitely enjoyed some of that play quite a bit. I also had my feet worshiped often, and that felt very very good.
I have a couple of cowboy hats now, some new boots, some sexy sandals, and a few other goodies I picked up on the road... like my Sheriff's badge.
My increasing focus now is to throw new efforts into my websites, This and the others, and into related work... pro-domination, but with a twist. I want to incorporate my abilities and skills as a psycho-therapist ( I have my masters in counseling psychology) with bdsm and kink, and work towards a healing intense exploration of self with people who have kink as part of their lives, as part of themselves. I'm going to start online mostly, with some real life encounters with select clients, and see where it builds from there.
A big part of that will be the main website I'm going to pull together in the next few months... in which I think I will use my given name, (Katt is also my name, it's been my play name, my nick, my pet name, my online name, the name that friends and loved ones have used for me here and there for many many years now). So if I do chose to do that, it will be like a 'coming out' for me.
I'm going to start small, and in my own back yard, but I have to say, my ultimate dream would be to be part of a revolution... a kink revolution, where people live and embrace and celebrate all parts of themselves. I know there are many people already living that way. But sadly there are many more who hide away, and who shy away, or who have guilt or shame around their sexual inclinations.
Ideally, I'd like my own personal part in it to grow enough that I'll create both a virtual space, and a physical real space, where people can come to explore who they are on a very deep level. With support, with love, with creativity, and with joy.
Let's see where it takes us.
Live in love...
XO
Katt