July 07

Well, it's been another long stretch since I've written last, I'm considering transferring my journal to a different system, there is a program called grey matter, that makes journal updating much much easier.  It would be slightly less customizable though.  I would still be able to change my backgrounds, add images, etc, it just wouldn't look -exactly- like the pillow book does now.  So I'm humming and hawing over it.  The main advantage would be that it creates an archive for me, something I have not yet done for 2003, though we're more than half way through it.  Other than that, it's not really that much more work to do the coding myself, so I don't think it would increase how often I write entries.  What to do, what to do.  Wolfe has been using it for a while now, and is trying to get me to switch over.  In part probably because I keep bugging him to create an archive for me for 2003 <grin>.  I have been using it on our new website the dark nursery for my 'Mommy Memoirs'.  On related news, I got a scary warning letter from yahoo today, saying that I have violated their terms of service, and that if it comes to their attention that I've done so again, they'll delete my profiles.  
It took me a while to figure out what I'd done that was in violation.  I'm pretty sure they're talking about spam.  I have the unfortunate lazy habit of rather than writing a new introduction message every time I join a new group, and I join a lot of them, mostly so I can access their link areas - I'm trying to compile a really good link list for the dark nursery site.  Anyways, that run on sentence ran away from me, as I was saying, every time I join a new group, I have the tendency to just copy and paste the same introduction msg from group to group, rather than write an original one, ie, spam.  It's dually an offense because technically it's spam that 'advertises', since I post my dark nursery url in the post.  Bad, bad, naughty, naughty.  So I'm going to have to try to be a good girl, write original posts, and let people know if they are interested in learning more to write me, or check my profile, or something like that.  What irks me most about it, is that the real spammers, child pornographers, and real baddies, are the tech sophisticated assholes that can elude and evade yahoo police and really ruin groups.  People like me, who don't intend to be naughty, but are engaging in 'so-so' practices, and are not trying to be deceptive, are easily 'nailed'.

Ah well, off to other things.  I've had a few people over the last couple of weeks, write and ask what was up with Po, as his presence seems to have disappeared off of our postings, and reference is only made to Iggy.  No we haven't been neglecting Po, several weeks ago, we decided to find Po a new home.  Wolfe requested that I didn't bring up the subject in my journal, because the last time we had to re-home a pet, some people with strong feelings about the subject, wrote to us in what was really a rather abusive fashion.  He just felt he couldn't handle the same again.  It's hard enough to have to give up a member of one's family, never mind people write to you and chastise you for it.  Please, please do not write to us with sentiments around how pets should be kept for life.  We're well aware of that particular sentiment that some people hold.  For those who feel the need to know the circumstance around Po's adoption out.  You may have read and remember that we were having problems with Po and Iggy fighting.  Po, darling dog that he was, decided that his favorite thing in life was scraping with Iggy.  These fights were escalating, causing bites that required medical attention.  Po would grab on to him, and not let go, and then Iggy would lash back out.  Trying to separate them once they engaged, almost always led in worse injuries than letting them fight it out.  We consulted with a number of professionals, in particular one trainer who is very well respected locally, and runs several programs for dogs. The consistent advice we got, was that the only thing for it was to keep them separate at all times.  Our loft is open space, so the only way to do that would be to keep one dog in the bathroom, and the other not.  The dogs were never to have contact with one another.  The risk was too great.  We didn't think we could subject them to that particular life style.  Po is a wonderful dog, very loving, very cuddly, very people focused.  His behavior problem was an issue with other dogs, with Iggy in particular.  We thought both dogs, ultimately, would be happier living apart.  Po was still young, 7 months.  We decided to search for a new home for him.  As luck would have it, a young family, with a little girl, came to adopt Po.  The mother and child were home all the time.  Po was excellent with the little girl, as he's been around children a lot with my niece and nephew.  Po has always been an exceedingly gentle dog with people and children, and though he became aggressive with Iggy, he has always been well behaved, submissive, and very 'cuddly' with people.  He took to the family, and in particular the little girl immediately, who also took to him.  We of course let the family know that if they had any concerns or issues and it wasn't working out for them for whatever reason, that they could return Po to us.  That was a month ago now, and Po is very happy and very settled into his new home, and the little girl and him have an attachment that will likely last Po's lifetime, and the entirety of this little girls little girl years, till she is grown.

We miss him dearly, but feel we did the very best thing we could, for him.  Some people feel that when you bring a pet into your life, it's for life, no ifs ands or buts.  Just as some people believe that you marry or partner for life.  My personal philosophy with those I love, whether human or other species, has been if you truly love someone, if the relationship between you becomes strained to the point where the one you love would be much much happier out of the relationship, you let them out.  For myself, I don't believe love is staying together even if it 'kills you' or is hurtful to one or both (or more) love for me is about wanting to help the one(s) you love have the best, happiest, fullest, most wonderful life they can.  If I share my life with a pet, an animal family member, or a partner - human family member, and feel that their life would be truly better, happier, richer, safer, without me, I part ways.  With people, this is a choice you have the luxury of discussing together, to make sure that you're assumption is not mistaken, and you can know you are making the right choice to go in different directions with your lives.  With animals, it's harder, because you don't share the same ability to communicate.  Dogs, with their intense loyalty, would want to stay often in the worst of conditions and relationships.  Ultimately, for me, it was about thinking long and hard about the quality of life for Po, for Iggy, and for myself and Wolfe, and then making the most compassionate decision possible for all those I love.  Not everyone reading this (I know that from experience) may feel we made the right decision.  Regardless, please respect it, even though we knew we were making the right decision for us, it is still always a hard decision to make.  What is done, is done, and if you don't agree with our choice(s) writing to tell us that will not change the situation, it will only add more pain to the mix.

We thought Iggy would have the hardest time adjusting, because even though they would have those horrible fights every couple of days, the rest of the time, they would play, cuddle, and generally enjoy one another's company.  Iggy, surprisingly, not only didn't seem to miss Po at all, but was immediately perkier, cuddlier, more playful, vibrant, and relaxed. Iggy has always been a very vocal dog, 'talkative' and when one of us goes out, he will howl/talk very softly and mournfully every now and again.  If one of us is out for a while, he will go to the door every once in a while, look at the remaining person, and give a little soulful wooooowooooo, very softly.  He didn't cry after Po leaving at all, he didn't look for him, gave no indication of missing him.  Since he's so expressive, it was pretty unexpected.  I have an old puppy collar of Po's and occasionally I wear it as a bracelet.  When I put it on, Iggy always gives it a really good sniff, looks at me, gives me a quick little wag and a kiss on the hand, and then off to something else. 

Okay, enough Po stuff, I'm going to get too down.  

The Dark Nursery website is going really well.  I've gotten a lot of positive feedback about it.  I was also written by someone from HBO they may be doing a documentary segment on Adult Babies, and if they do, wanted to talk to me about possibly doing an interview.  They are still in the process of planning a number of different segments, and haven't decided yet whether they are going to do an AB (adult baby) segment or not.  Even if they do, I may not be short listed for an interview, but it was still nice to have been contacted.  

My email is busier than ever, and I've been getting loads of requests for pro-Domme sessions.  Unfortunately, my depression is still effecting me to the degree that I a) don't respond to the vast majority of my email (including session requests) and b) can't really do pro work right now.  I'm seriously considering taking my pro page down, or just putting a note on there that I'm not currently seeing any new clients.  Maybe I'll ask Wolfe to do that, as just thinking about it brings me down more.  

I've pretty much lost myself most days in just working on the dark nursery website.  That's the thing with my depression, is it will allow me to do things now, but I tend to be able to only do something within a very limited range, and entirely on whatever emotional schedule my chemistry dictates.  I may do nothing for a day or two, and then sit for 16 hours at a time and obsessively search out web links to adult baby material and catalogue it.  Try to do something else, even computer/tech related, and I panic, can't do that.  It's weird.  It's not based necessarily on what I enjoy doing, for instance I love to shop, and I love to take photographs, but I go through stretches of days and days were I am unable to leave the house, or just feel completely incapable of picking up a camera. <shrug>

I've become accustomed to doing what I -am- able to do, -when- I'm able to do it, and just accept that, rather than agonize over the why and why nots of it all.   In fact, I remind myself, and take hope and enjoyment out of the fact that I am able to do anything at all, because I spent many many months in the worst of my depression where I did absolutely nothing, nothing.  I was literally in bed, disassociative, completely disconnected, inactive ball of pain.

I work on taking the simple comfort that I'm here, I'm 'functioning' to the degree that I am, and to the degree that I can do something meaningful some of the time.  Have some joy in my life some of the time, and that it's a simple blessing to have a home, a roof over my head, food, sleep at night, and all the other little things it becomes so easy to take for granted.