April 16

I haven't updated for the last few days... indicative of the apathetic turn my depression had taken me on, a place I'm pretty much still wallowing in, though less deeply, shallow enough in the apathy pool now, that my brain's cognitive impairment has let up enough for me to churn out some words of expression.

It's hard, in this place I find myself mentally and emotionally, not torment myself at times.  The guilt I start to feel over the smallest things reaching at times ridiculous proportions.  People who for a variety of reasons wanting the smallest of things from me, patient kind and loving people who are understanding and tolerant of my current biochemical limitations, through absolutely nothing they've done on their end, triggering waves of guilt on mine.  Because in my perception I feel like I -should- (that awful word) be doing more, writing, responding, socializing, working, giving, talking, something, something.  I -should- be... not depressed.  Though unfortunately, will and want and a million 'shoulds', have done nothing to see me out of it.  I saw my therapist again today, and she's changed my medications, again, in response to the latest twists and turns my affect has taken.  Tonight I'll swallow new pills along with old pills, and hope and hope, that things will be brighter, maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

I want to keep this journal a stream of day to day ponderings, so my habit has been, and will continue to be, that if I miss a day or two, to go back into the past, and create pages for those days, so today I'm posting not just this entry, but two others for the two days I've been in mental and emotional 'hibernation'.