March 05

I'm reading Ken Mayer's 'Real Women Don't Diet!' I've been corresponding with him, and he was kind enough to send me a signed copy of his book.  
If you are even remotely interested in the topic of size acceptance, you may find it an interesting read.

Some of the references to his childhood heroes and screen stars for some reason got me spinning off on a big size dolly tangent with some of the photos I took today.  Don't ask me why, I try not to analyze these things too much.  Maybe it was just my new camera put me in such a good mood, yesterday was blue, today is pink, or maybe I'm just channeling Picasso 
(he had famous a famous 'blue period' and then 'pink period' in his work).

 
However you want to look at it, I've been up to some pretty unusual alterations of photographs lately.
Keeps me somewhat sane.  My therapist labels one of my symptom sets I get along with my lovely severe depression as 'psychotic agitation' that combined with my extreme lack of motivation, basically means that I get a high level of agitation in my body that is -like- a disphoric manic phase, but instead of being attributed to bipolar depression, it's not.  The long and short, I get bipolar like symptoms, but I do not respond to bipolar medications, so they call it something else.

Babble, babble, babble, well, what else do you expect from a bubble-gum pink larger than life sized doll?

My happy new camera, full of great energy, comes with a happy new tripod, which makes taking pictures of my happy new self (ha ha), much easier than with the old camera, which is a little less happy than it once was.

It has lots of options and thingies it does though, so right now, given my psychotically agitated mind, (don't get freaked by the 'psychotic' label, -I'm- not psychotic, just my agitation, I'm just plain old neurotic) Wolfe has to set it up for me, and patiently explain, which buttons to push in which order.  At some point, I'll get more comfortable with it.

In the meantime, I did give it a good test run, and it seems to be a very happy, very nice little camera indeed.  

 
The combination of having a new toy, and some new potential models in the future, and being able to take pictures of myself with relative ease to boot, will likely mean a big content surge on the sites.  Not that their hasn't been already, we've been pumping out the galleries lately. Feels good.  I'm starting to look at other options of things I may be able to do to support myself financially so I can go off of disability, I wish I could get to 'work' now, but I'm, not there yet, my crash yesterday made that pretty clear.  I simply can't handle much outside pressure or responsibility. 

I start to get too much on my plate, and I panic and seize up.  After being away from work for so long, I wonder whether I'm ever going to be able to go back to a job where I'm 9 to 5 in an office, in a high stress position, with loads of responsibilities and no escape.  I may have to restructure my life, and the ways I bring in income in such a way that I am doing things where I can set the pace and take it easier when I need to.  More than ever, I'm wanting to move in the direction where I'm doing a number of things part time, rather than one thing full time.  If I could do part time pro-Domination, run a few therapy groups, and some individual sessions of private practice, focus on my websites, and do web work for others, I'd be set.  With future goals set towards doing more writing, and eventually having a BDSM estate set up (with hot and cold running maids).

I don't think those are too lofty goals, a small benevolent dictatorship to call my own.  Helping people to find their happy thoughts all around.  Maintaining an alternative lifestyle and sexuality positive life, and trying to encourage others to do the same.  Why not. They, whoever they are, always say, do what you love.  Besides, being dominant and sexy, and loving and caring for people, and wanting to help others embrace their nature, is my nature.

I just have to find my way out of this chemical imbalance, and back into a place where I can keep it together.I have a feeling what I need more than anything right now, are more of my own endorphins, and to adjust my body chemistry with healthier foods and exercise, but 'knowing' what one should do, and doing it, are two different things, particularly when the state you're already in, is one of biochemically induced apathy.   Ah well, one day at a time.