March 04

I'm blue.  And necessity is the mother of invention.  Still taking pictures with my focus challenged camera.  Last night, in a real funk, I cancelled everything I possibly can for the days to come, in particular the big play party photo shoot I had organized for Saturday night.  Just starting to feel overloaded, and noticing that dangerous escapist fantasy flight starting to invade my perceptions.  I tried in part to channel it to something creative, feeling broken, like my camera, and unable to focus my own mind well. 

I grasped at the remnants of my creative drive.  I toke some plain foggy images and paint shopped them electric blue, adding blue bubbles, lightening one of my eyes, and plunging myself symbolically into my 'blue' state, unreal.  Sometimes I feel unreal, you can see it, in the imagery.  An ice queen, cold, detached, frozen in time, my mind conjures up ideations of overdosing while walking deep into snow drifts, or swimming as far out as I can into the ocean's cold embrace.  Or simply by will alone, trying to force a catatonic state.  I want the motion to end around me, I want it all the be still.  Overload.

Aya's head shave is of course still on for Friday, and if I'm still feeling as... challenged, as I am now, I'll leave the image capturing up to Wolfe, and find a hole to crawl into during the event.  Thank the universe for Wolfe, and for the undeniable creative drive that is a flame that cannot be extinguished even in my darkest moments.

Maybe it's some odd astrological element of my Gemini mind, when my thoughts start to press towards obsessive ideas of death and dying, ultimate destruction.  Another part of me counters with the desire to create.  The creative drive battling it out with the self destructive drive.  I can't wait till the new camera comes.  First thing I'm going to do is figure out the timer, there must be a timer. Am I trying to recreate myself I wonder, or just express something inside that I have no words for.  Can you see it in my images.  How still I feel, how cold I am, how unreal all of it is.  Frozen, reflected, dichotomous.

When I work that way, it's like I'm in a trance state, things just moving along on their own accord.  It's better than it was some months ago, when that fugue would bring with it such a sluggish mental and physical state, like goldfish put in cold water, every movement painfully reduced.  Cold blooded.

Trapped again, under the ice... means I'm going to be spending a lot of time in bed, hibernating, trying to get warm, trapped again, in another little bubble, of my own making.