February 20
It's still raining, and I'm still
staying cloistered away indoors tighter than a nun in a nunnery, and
that, my darlings, is tight! <wink>
My mood has been odd, it's like
part of my depressive symptoms are definitely lifting, my ability to
concentrate, and do certain types of tasks has been coming back in
leaps and bounds, which has made me finally able to really accomplish
tasks, from little things like crossword puzzles and playing online
monopoly with Wolfe, to larger projects, like web site design.
I'd love to be able to return to
work, but those other areas affected by depression, are still
lagging. I get struck by intense emotional episodes, where I
have to drop everything I'm doing, and just shut down. When I'm
working at projects at home, that's no problem, I drop what I'm doing,
and go back to it when I can, hours, or days later. I wonder how
long it will take before I can cope again with a work world where I
have to follow other peoples schedules. I think Ideally, I would
like to be able to support myself by working for myself, hopefully, as
I heal, circumstances will work out that I am able to do that.
Right now, the little projects I take on, website work, don't afford
me the kind of income to make that possible.
I also find myself having more
interest and motivation, but often not enough energy, or emotional
resources to follow through a lot of the time. Particularly when
it comes to relationships. I am so blessed to have some great
people in my life right now, but am not able to spend the time I would
like to with them all the time. Including family. My
parents will be in town in a few days, and wanted the whole family to
get together, but I just can't do it. Emotional overload.
The last family gathering I attended, my brother set me off, and set
me back, quite substantially, and I can't afford that kind of
emotional blow. I'm also not certain how supportive I can be
with my mother, and her loss of her mother, my grandmother. The
death affects me a fair bit. My grandmother was also like a
mother to me, she lived with us, and helped raise me. Sometimes
my mother and grandmother could be competitive with one another, I'm
not sure I could grieve freely in my mother's presence, and we have
very different approaches to dealing with painful emotions.
On a brighter note, I've had
wonderful contact with a very intriguing gentleman who lives in San
Diego and runs a BBW website. I'm going to be doing some work
with/for him, and I've enjoyed some of the emails we've
exchanged.
I'm also looking forward to
connecting with several friends over the weekend, particularly at the
play party on Saturday night. Even though I have a cold, I'm
determined I'm going to this one. After years of working in
group homes at times with medically fragile clients, I can have very
good disease prevention habits, hand washing, not touching my
face. So I'm not too worried about infecting all my friends
<laugh>.
Two of our closest friends, Aya and
her wife, are planning to move to the interior this spring, and that's
a bit sad. I'm very happy for them, as they are making a move by
choice to a lifestyle of choice, and I think it will be a great
adventure they will be undertaking, but I will miss them. I will
have more time maybe to develop to some of my newer relationships.
Planning a little party in early
March, to do a fetish photo shoot party. Which should be a lot
of fun, I'm trying to accumulate models for the event. I think
it will turn out very well. If you haven't heard from me about
it, and you're one of my model potentials... remind me to invite you!
We finally got a little money
together, after having to be really tight, and with selling the queen
size bed we have that we're using as a couch right now, we've been
able to purchase (it was on sale for only 599$!) a new couch.
For the longest time I've wanted a black leather sofa. In eleven
years together, we've never had a couch of our own, we had a futon for
a while, and then used the bed as a couch, and borrowed a couch for a
while. This is our very first couch! It does mean though
that we're going to have to be tight with cash for a little while
longer again, but worth it. Seeing how much time I spend at
home, surroundings are pretty important. I would rather save and
scrimp and cut out leisure spending, and buy something that will last
a long time, and be quality, than buy something 2nd rate, at least
when it comes to this. I do buy many, perhaps most things,
second hand. Now I have to save up for an ottoman or two,
because I'm used to being able to stretch out on that damn bed to
watch TV! <laugh> As long as it's only one of us that's still
possible with the couch, but for two big people... nope!
Enough obsessing over finances and
furniture. (I have to wait now to be able to buy a pot for the orchid!
;)
I love decorating, that is
something I'd love to do for a living. I used to think the ideal
fun job would be 'lifestyle' consultation. With my MA in counseling
psychology, and my background as well in fine arts, and my love of
interior design, fashion, etc. I would work with a client to
discover with them, what elements of their lives they would like to
manifest change in, and then support them in doing it.
Therapeutically, in their personal style and appearance, in their home
and/or office decor, in their interpersonal relationships, everywhere
and anywhere they felt they would like to change their lives to more truly
reflect their inner self and inner beauty. A holistic approach
to image consultation.
I have a number of 'ideal' fun
jobs, what they all have in common, is working for myself! Most
of them, unfortunately, also have in common that they would take an
initial investment to start off. I think out of all of them, my
pick of career would like be pro-Domme work. I have to stop
myself from doing 'dungeon' design plans in my head all the
time. Wait until I get the space before worrying how much it
would cost to install leather tiles. (oh can you
imagine...) I just know I have the savvy and design skills that
I could have the most kick-ass play space designed and laid out to
create an environment that would blow minds. It would allow me
to do the lifestyle play I love there, the photos I love, and the
occasional pro-Domme work, and I could maintain a profit simply by
renting it out on occasion, because I know it would be a space in
demand. Unfortunately, it's about the only business I'd be
willing to take a loan out to start, and it's about the only business
where I couldn't get a loan to do it, because even though it's not a
sex trade, it's related, and well... nah.
I'm still looking for the right
kinky benefactor/investor. Some day soon, someone is going to
perk up and notice a really good thing when they see it.
Until then, there is a movie on pay
per view Wolfe just splurged on, I'm going to go take one final lounge
on the old bed, since the new couch, is coming tomorrow.
XO
Leila
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