February 10

Creeping up on Valentines day, took some pictures today of me in my new red shoes, and of course everything else red as well.

Had a bit of a rough time last night.  I was really thinking of my ex-girlfriend, our first date was this time two years ago, and then last time this year, we broke up.  It's hard.  I'm not sure how I'm going to fare at the play party this Saturday night, I know it's going to be a very emotional weekend for me, and the party itself I may find quite challenging.  I'm going to take it all moment by moment.  

Last night my impulsivity kicked in full gear, and in the middle of the night, I started contemplating calling her, trying to get together with her, slipped into fantasies of 'what if'.  Then gave myself a hard reality check to keep myself from acting on those impulses.  Even if she wanted me back in her life, what kind of relationship could we have and where would it go?  I would always want too much from her, and truly, honestly, I want things in my life, that could never mesh with a relationship with her.  Wolfe for one, other partners, being a Domme a good deal of the time, my long term goals of heading a big BDSM estate.  Not to mention so many other little and not so little details.  It's hard, because I love her still, so very much, but I know, I could never make that relationship work, and trying, is what wore me out to almost the end last time.  Not anyone's fault, just driven by the desire to be as close to her as possible, sometimes in an unhealthy way.  Addictive, perfect love, combustive chemistry, but not the right size and shape container to contain it.  Life can be so unfair.  She is going to make some woman a very very happy wife some day, who knows, for all I know maybe already, I do hope it for her.  I still feel she deserves the very best life has to offer her.

My mood is definitely being hit by all the emotional processing though, I rolled out of bed at 3pm today.  I'm still feeling groggy and only half with it.
I was taking a synthetic hormone in the morning that boosted my metabolism and gave me energy, a prescription medication that also helps my anti-depressants to potentially be more effective.  However it can also contribute to high blood pressure, and since mine has sky-rocketed, I've gone off of it.  It was one of the things that helped give me that boost in the morning to get going, and I'm wondering how much of today's difficulty with rising was part of not having it any more.  Will have to wait and see how it plays out over the next few days.

I did have some good old therapeutic sex to help me fall asleep finally last night, Wolfe doing me with a big old toy in my pussy, and a substantial one in my ass too.. I was, well, well spent, after all that processing and loving, and maybe I just needed a really long sleep for my subconscious to sort through all the accumulated experiences of the last week building up to last night.

Back to my shoes... <grin>

Another pair of shoes I can't really walk in, but I think are my absolute sexiest shoes to date.  <drool> 

Had a lot of fun taking these pictures, and felt really good all in red on the red bed.  

 

I did a lot of dangling foot and heel tease pictures with them, since I think they lend themselves to a sassy playful look.  I also just really liked from a visual arts point of view all the red on red, tones and textures, shadows and shapes.  Simple graphic, curvy, sexy.

I think I like the pictures of just the shoes better than the ones that feature my face and body! <laugh>

Not that I didn't enjoy those photos as well, doing them, and looking at them, but visually, from an art point of view, they're not as interesting to me as the all red shoe pics.

I'm also still getting used to all the weight I've packed on with the depression and weight gaining inducing medications I take.  I still look at pictures of me and get weirded out by the fullness of my chin and jaw line.  It's that area more than anything else.

I guess the face is our most identifiable reflection of our 'self' and sometimes I look at pictures of me now, and feel like I don't quite look like myself, whose face is that!

I'm wondering how I'm going to feel when all my hair goes.  It will be another big makeover, and again a new look.  Even though I've had a shaved head before, not at this weight.  So it's new territory.

Aya's head shave bid seems to have settled at 500$ US.  She's very psyched and excited about it.  so am I!

Well that is plenty from me today.

I'm going back to lazy mode.

Leila

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