May 28th - Legacy
There's a point where we look back at life and wonder at what legacies we've left behind.
What marks if any, we've left on the world.
How significant, or insignificant we've been in the grand scheme of things.
I've had so many dreams for my life.
Like many children, I felt like I had important things to say and to share with the world. I grew up dreaming of idealized lives, and of contributing to the world around me. I wanted to write books and create art and love people in ways that would motivate people to create joy and love and greatness in their own lives.
I wanted my happiness and the happiness of people around me.
To love, and to generate love that was contagious that moved people to love and connect to themselves and to those around them.
I had magical dreams and ideas and ideals, about soul mates, and past lives, about the way things are meant to be in my world... about sharing life and love with people that felt right and familiar and good to me.
Some people may view those beliefs as flaky, or even indications of disordered thinking... but they're the beliefs I've always had, always. I grew up with my crazy ideas about how the world was meant to be for me.
About feeling powerful in myself, and my world, even if it was a fantasy world. Where family is a concept that transcends time, transcends life times, and is about spiritual unity that has a continuity through and beyond the material day to day of our being. That is about people sharing love freely and connecting on a deep level of knowing souls.
Slowly, piece by piece... my beliefs and my dreams, my hopes in the last few days have been eroded. The foundation of my spiritual self... melting, thawing, beneath my feet. Leaving me to feel that finally, now... I'm drowning. And that my legacy, is a lost thing. What happens when you lose your dreams? Your foundation dreams. Thoughts of re-creating self, ending self, what to do with a self that is in that place when you feel like an apple that's been cored.
What kind of beginnings and endings do you create in that space, what, if anything becomes important.
The people, the people are important, the people you love that love you.
For the part of me, small inside that still believes in soul mates. Feels like those people, the people I've loved and been connected to in my life. I will always always and forever love. I will be connected to and with regardless of anything else that happens.
Nothing can negate or take away the time and the joy I've shared with those people, with Wolfe, with barbie, with other loves, other friends, with my biological family... with my spiritual family.
I can only hope that in the course of my life, I have left at least those people with some legacy of who I am that is not about pain, about loss, about fear, but about love. That what I've wanted more than anything is to be able to leave that, and give that. That in losing my own dreams, my own self, and my own core... that I haven't done just the opposite and betrayed all those I love. That's my greatest fear now. How to make peace with that. How from this place to give love. In this dreamless place.
Love.
XO
Katt