May 23rd - undivided.
barbie snapped this amongst many playing around in front of the cam today. I wasn't really in the mood, my listless limbs protesting as the only motivation was barbie's directives and playful curiosity as the camera stroked my curves.
Missing Daddy. Daddy is what I call Wolfe sometimes... Between both of us developing intense relationships with other significant others, and all that's involved in that emotional shuffle. Finding time, and space.. both physically and emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.. together, has been challenging.
We had a date together on Monday night, and that was good. Feeling strong unity between us. The deep centered connection that we have together still a stable current between us as we walked and sat side by side, talking. Just spending time to reconnect.
What I wonder at is creating the space for passion between us again. For intensity, for explosive depths, the where and the when's and the how's of that. We shared a bed for the last two nights, two of many nights sleeping apart in other arms. Yet when we slept side by side... it was like our date... walking side by side, and sitting side by side. Connected, but not. There was no love-making, and even cuddling and touching, was quiet, reserved. The reservation not coming from him, but coming from me, and my awareness of his respectful, if not pained, restraint in matching pace with that still distance inside of me.
It's like when my soul reaches his to touch. Lately I seek places of respite and gentle stability. I want to connect in that place where he's like a Zen garden for me. Where there is the order of raked round river stones, and bound branches, where everything feels still and peaceful and uncomplicated. However as I sit there in contemplation of him and I, and our love. I can feel the wild pulsing sap of nature inside of him, not so patiently restrained. It's unusual, in the 9 years of our relationship.. it used to be me biting back my passions, burning, yearning for completion, connection, satisfaction. How I know - in so many ways - what he feels, how keen his need, how hard it is, to feel like your love, your passion is greater than that which is returned to you. That you need, love, ache... and your lover is distant, cold, or oblivious. It used to be me, on the other side of that yearning. I take no joy at all in the turn of events. It tears at me, to know he has needs I am not meeting. How I long to fill everything with perfect and complete bliss. How imperfect and incomplete I can feel at times, not enough to give. Lost.
Me not knowing where and how to connect with him anymore, too aware of the storm brewing in the heart of my other lover. Too aware of the storm brewing in myself. Just too aware.
Aware, and at the same time, feeling so not in the know. So out of control. So fumbled and jumbled.
Trying to keep love and passion for myself. So hard. When every moment of love and passion I give to one lover, may be seen as betrayal, or abandonment, or rejection.. to the other lover. I cannot be two women in two places in two hearts.
I have never been so divided. Yet. Yet.. this is important, so listen carefully. I have never been so whole. I have never ever been so whole. So completely, myself. As much as I feel as the expansion into me has the potential to rip me apart, I can't stop the embrace of it. I can't stop that this is who I am. I am this woman, who loves so completely, both these lovers, and that in each of their embraces I embrace different parts of me. If only I could bring the parts together in some safe temple of my being. If only we can come to create a home together, safety, unity, trust, love.
Safety, unity, trust... love.
Together. that's my dream.
Instead of the cold hard pain of my guilt, of my need, as I lay curled in a cold bed. Cold of my own making. Cold from my own fear of the storms brewing around me and in me. Cold, even though the heat of one lover lays next to me beneath the heavy sheets, and the heat of another burns like a scarlet flame in the vision of my spirit, so close, and so far, just across the way.
I miss them both, when I'm not with them. But really I miss neither of them. It's so odd. I feel so complete. Yet so tossed about. It's not so much missing one when I'm with the other, as being able to feel and know that they're missing me, that the connection is broken for them. That even though this situation, this circuit, completes me, and creates me, and feels so right, that's not the experience of the others involved. It's like a one way flow, in two directions but not a complete circuit. It could be, but that's not something I can create for others, and it all depends on who they are. It may or may not ever be.
But that, that together, that's my dream.
Safety, unity, trust... love.
Quiet today. Just here myself, but inside of me, complete, missing both, and missing neither... as they're always with me. Together with one another at least in that way, both of them, completely and undivided, in my heart.
XO
Katt