May 16th - Blood Donor
Overwrought
I feel like an emotional blood donor sometimes. The problem is, sometimes I don't think the people around me are even aware that I'm giving. I get to feeling bled dry, lost in the moments from moving from task to task where my thoughts, feelings, all are focused outward on someone else, someone else's needs, feelings, being. That I lose myself, become un-anchored. My veins folding over into themselves, pain and pressure, crumbling... empty empty empty inside. Taken, no... given, and no one to blame but myself.Sometimes it feels good, like there's flow, like I'm being given back as much as I give, given more... Other times, it's like when I most need an infusion.. that pull keeps happening. I'm collapsing in on myself, and the other person's need even to have me feel better, feels to me like a need for their own reassurance, or so I see it, and so I feel like I'm dying inside to 'be okay' for them, when really, I'm still not getting what I need, I'm still giving.
Which as I said I can blame no one but myself for, and of course, I happily do (Pass the martyr another nail)... all fits together somehow doesn't it?
So, what do you do with your own nature?
It ends up with me being shitty at taking care of myself sometimes, I'm sitting here, with a kidney/bladder infection, flu/cold, stressed. I haven't had any fluids today (big mistake with a body riddled with infection) and I've had very little to eat. It's coming up on dinner time. My mouth is dry, my stomach aches. barbie, trying to help me out was telling me to come down and get something to eat. But me, seeing it as yet another 'come on, do this for me, eat something' , and feeling over-taxed, like I can't give anymore or anything to anyone, totally empty... refused. My reply was 'stop telling me what to do'. Stupid. Sometimes I can be so stupid, just feeling like my need for self-autonomy at that moment was greater than anything else. Which isn't really the case, because, truthfully, what I really wanted inside was 'feed me, fill me, take care of me'...
Problem is, I felt like barbie also feels like it's her turn to be on the receiving end of things, and since I can't give her any more, and I can't risk asking for what I need, I shut down, push away. Sit here, empty, with the hurt trying to figure out what to do with it.. Write it, write it all out.. that's what I picked to do.
Not a bad choice.
That's it, that's all there is today folx.
XO
Katt