May 7th - Eyes open, mouth shut
There are a million types of bondage.
The
restrictions enforced on us from lovers, from ourselves, from society... Bondage
that's illusory, bondage that's grounded in the firm reality of physics...
though the firmness of that, in my mind is questionable too. Bondage that's
material, bondage that's psychological, bondage that's spiritual.
I'm in a head space where I'm sensitive to the mechanics of bondage in my life.
If you haven't already gathered, I'm not just talking about bondage in the sense of sexual play.. but bondage as the greater dynamic of seeking and exploring where the balance is between the opposites of freedom and restriction in any given area of one's life... and where that sense of freedom, and where that sense of restriction arises from. How much is imposed externally, how much internally, where does the power lay, where does the control come from, how do the chips fall.
I
think about my own self imposed bondage to the patterns in my life in
relationships. The restrictions I place on myself in my
relationships. The dynamics that come into play with my interactions with
women in particular. What I give, how I give it, what I take, how I take
it. Where I feel frozen, restricted and unable to move... And how
hard it is to know where the boundaries are. To even start to grasp the
level of restriction or freedom. So how do you really
determine that? How do you begin to determine really how much play you have in
the ropes of your psyche? How restricted you are, how free you are... well
you struggle, you test the strength of the rope. We test our self-bondage,
and we test in relationships.. we all do it, whether it's a subtle power play,
or whether it's filled with dramatic and explosive encounters... Whether it all
gets worked out in the first 2 weeks or the first 2 months, or the first 2
years. Or more likely that it's a
constantly shifting dynamic... where we are always assessing in some manner or
other who we are, who the other is, and where we come together in things.
We engage, in a constant gauging of where the balance is.. where we are free,
where we are restricted, how we are in bondage with self, how we are in bondage
with other and within society.
Then what, then how... how to flow in that struggle, sometimes a quiet understanding and acceptance of the balance, sometimes, feeling all the parameters are unknown, and the tension is building and you have to struggle full force against the ropes that hold you.
Sometimes
in life... we struggle because we want to be free, but just as often, we
struggle because we want so much to be bound that we have to be positive, so
positive, that what holds us is so secure, so strong, so powerful... that we can
never ever break free.
Standing
my breath coming ragged
as my burning lungs heave in my chest
disharmonic with the pounding of my heart
sweat, clinging to my brow, to my chin
salty in mouth, sharp in my eyes.
Still for the moment
on the outside
though my organs,
lungs and heart and skin
are all still screaming their movement.
Abraded,
my body
bleeding, where the ropes
have worn through my fragile exterior
bloody, wet, exhausted.
I haven't stopped.. I've only paused.
And inside, the movement still rages.
Till I begin again, struggling...
struggling and struggling
struggling
against your bonds.
I feel
your gaze on me...
Wondering, should you set me free.
Cut the ties.
I see the wounds, reflected in your eyes.
You, feeling my pain.
Not wanting my sufferance, but wanting me bound still
bound in your love.
Tempted, as you see that fragile exterior
tearing, rent... the panic in my eyes.
Tempted to try to release me.
As I fear, when I rage.. all that struggle is.
But I
don't struggle for freedom.
I'm not exhausted, torn, worn...
to be let go.
I just need to know...
I just need...
I need...
Know.
XO
Katt