May 3rd - Contemplation Indigo
Composition in blue... Mental status tried and true, true, true blue.
My friend Butterfly is in the pain zone too, she wants to dye her hair blue as well, well, purplish blue is the color I've got, purple funk's as good as blue, as far as a blue doo will do, for my mental due. it's a go.
Pain, strain... no pain no gain.
The
problem as usual as of late, has been that there is so much to talk about, that
it really leaves nothing to talk about. When faced with such a huge amount
of stuff, crap, etc... where the heck do you start to unravel it.
Also so much of it has to do with relationship stuff that involves other people that as much as I'm content to share the ravages of my own soul with the world. I have pissed off enough people by exposing more details of their personal lives on here than they would like to have revealed. Since so much of my stuff right now is enmeshed with other people's stuff in some critical areas.. it's like.. hmmm.. nope, shouldn't go there.
So
in some ways that leaves me with very little to say... grrrr
Poop.
Alternating
from feeling tender to tough,
to everything in between.
Always
wanting too much, never quite sure
what it is I'm wanting.
Tired, weary.
(So New York... have I blown you off totally by slipping into my selfish little haven of self abusive moping paranoid reality?... or are you still out there checking in... I should write you. Sometimes I daydream... about getting on a plane...)
I guess
in some ways I'm like a million other women (people) out there, I just want to
be loved, just want to be taken care of, spoiled, pampered, love, be loved...
Want to give of myself, all of myself, and have it taken, all of it taken.
And though I am blessed enough to have people in my life, that want that
connection with me, something in human nature, and reality, interferes with that
completion. Maybe I just can't accept what I already have?... That
ever elusive nature of enlightenment, simply realizing you are already
there. That you have already arrived, that the now and the is, is.. is everything.
I get there sometimes in
that zone, then out again... into the yearning.
Wondering...
If, I'm going to be able to come to simple peace with the now.
Wondering...
What the now around the corner is, and if hoping for a new now, is always going to destroy the now now.
Maybe it's more of a problem of quantum dynamics than mental/emotional state. If I just suspend my belief of a linear temporal reality... damn, that's as difficult as living in the moment.. surprise surprise. Same problem, same brain, different fucking labels. That's pretty much what it always boils down to. Now I'm playing with my own gray matter, and I'm just going to sound psychotic to those reading on... so I'll stop that.
Neurotic
yes.. psychotic.. nah. Not this now.
Actually I'm probably a lot more stable than I like to make myself out to be.
More dramatized than traumatized.
Or maybe it's just that, I have a hard time taking anything too too seriously, even myself.
Am I depressed? probably... but I prefer to think of it as a composition in Indigo...
Okay.. so I'm an attention slut, I'm not religious.. so don't send me your prayers (unless you really want to pray for me, then suit yourself)... just send me your love, you don't need to e-mail it, you can just think it. Don't worry, I'm psychic, I'll get it. (DO NOT write and tell me you think I'm seriously fucked in the head.. it WON'T make my day) Though I don't mind material expressions.. you know, presents, cash (Go to www.paypal.com and send me 5$ to my email katt@erotimania.com and I'll really feel the love... they hold off two weeks with no money on medical UI, I'm poor), flowers, e-mail, jack off to some of my pictures, find something I say clever... anything, FEED ME!... attention attention attention. thanks.. I feel better now.
XO
Katt