April 9th - Sweet Delinquency
Oh... so long since I've written. Really I've been a very very naughty girl in so many ways. Some days I'm barely holding down a job. Okay, so I'm dramatizing things up a bit. Honestly though, life is turned rather upside down, and the site has suffered because of it.
I've lost my hair again, shorn, and stubbled already, as I think I'm back to the processing of growing it, and for all those who crave to share the experience of it, I'm sorry for my transgressions in selfish un-sharing, as I was shorn in the privacy of my own four walls.
There will be public pleasures again I'm sure. But some moments, are things you want to keep small and personal.
Weird little pictures of me captured on the web cam.. fuzzy and faded out, but filled with moments of love and anticipation. Beauty in the spirit, if not in the flesh, I wonder if you can see it, if you weren't in the moment feeling it.
It's funny what people see, when they see the surface of things. When they are not in the moment, sharing it, feeling it. Like trying to explain BDSM to vanilla people... how do you explain to someone that the thing you want most after a really stressful day at work is to come home and have your lover beat you, working your body out through tantric waves of tender pain, ever increasing in intensity, like a meditation of awareness into your body and your spirit, moving you inside and outside of yourself, into and outside of your understanding, until you can work with it, until you can hold in that exquisite burning and yearning of your flesh a manifestation of what is in your spirit, and in your heart, and in your head, and all of you then comes together in that one place, and you embrace a holism, of sweet wet tear stained completion that leaves you whole and high, and feeling stronger, and freer and more in control and more empowered than ever before? I'll pass on the glass of wine, I'll pass on the small talk about the weather, I'll pass on the 6 o'clock news... wall-papering over it is what that is all about... that's not living folx. That's paramount to smelling something unpleasant and dealing with it by holding your breath and applying perfume. Keep doing that often enough, and you're going to choke yourself. bdsm... is clearing the air, and taking huge, deep, breaths, of life. It's tuning in, not tuning out.
In an abusive relationship... there is an imbalance of power, and the abuser, works to strip away who you are, tries to erase your identity, shatter your sense of self, and self esteem, leave you feeling less than whole, tries to tear you down. In a loving bdsm relationship, It might look similar to the unknowing gaze, because as a culture we are so used to seeing power, pain, and challenging intense dynamics, as only negative agents. But in a loving bdsm relationship... the reality is... power flows. The top strips away only what you wish to willingly shed, often what you need to lose to find yourself, to explore and understand your identity, to enhance your sense of self. Leaving you feeling fuller, raw, yes, raw... but alive, and well, and stronger... than ever before. It can be terrifying, in fact, it can be better that way. So if the only experiences people have of pain, of fear, of anger, or of any of the so called 'negative' feelings, are as 'negative'.. they can't relate pain to bliss and pain to love, they can't relate fear to bliss and fear to love, anger to bliss and anger to love. They can't imagine, how good it feels to claim those feelings in a positive space, to have them reworked in a safe, loving, powerful, blissful place. What it means to take something that is usually only associated in the negative and rework it into something exquisite.
When I was studying for my MA in counseling psych, I had the difference between counseling and psychotherapy described to me, as counseling being where you just build on where a person is, encourage growth and skills on top of the existing self. With counseling you can only do so much... In psychotherapy... the process is one of breaking down existing structures.. to rebuild something new, to shed parts of the self and create new parts in it's stead. bdsm is like psychotherapy of the body.. and if done really well, of the spirit, and of the psyche as well. It's a relationship that takes a profound amount of trust, and really, is like no other. There are not many people I would trust body, spirit and psyche to, something no one should under take lightly.
To go into places of pain, places of fear, places of anger, places of tender vulnerability, in flesh, in spirit, in psyche, and rework them with love, explore them, push and engage those feelings, and come out on the other side whole.
Why only feel and embrace and love parts of self, and parts of life, and parts of feeling.. when you can have and hold it all.
Shed your taboos and your assumptions, push your limits, find your edges... take it up to another level, find the trust in yourself, and maybe in a loved one, and step a little out into the abyss...
XO
Katt