March 16 - BOOM!
And my heart goes...
Wow. How can I catch you up on everything. I can't. But I'm going to try... tired as I may be from another night of 3-4 hours sleep. (silly girl). Well, we all have to have our priorities.
As I'm sitting here writing, barbie and Wolfe are down in the kitchen.. eating bbq pork and rice and having all the leather working stuff out on the kitchen table, Wolfe is making wrist and ankle cuffs, he's dyed the leather this gorgeous red. They're chatting 'shop'.. and I feel like... mmmmm... my sense of home in my own home, has multiplied.
barbie's moved in. Amazingly enough, in our tiny tiny little 495 square feet of home. We now have the three of us, cats, and barbie's big old doggy too. Except the cats are going to move to kitty's for a while, since barbie's so allergic. It's rather chaotic in some ways, but mostly, so far, so good for the most part. Until we can settle things out to be able to rent this place out and rent out a bigger place for all of us.
I'm unfolding inside, opening up, little parts of me that were lost, becoming found. Healed, whole, happy. barbie bringing out parts of me that have been tucked away, hiding, waiting.
Too many precious moments to recount. It's like I've lived lifetimes in days, and in ways, I have...
I want to share some of my experiences, but at the same time I don't want to trivialize them with words... how can you understand that what may seem like a simple game unfolding between two people, some giggling, open playful, intense love and lust filled dynamic dance, is so so much more.. is that unfolding of my spirit, that freeing of my being, that filling of my long lonely dark hungry crevices inside of me. Bringing tears and smiles and screams to my insides... not often breaking free to the surface, usually because they can't all coexist on the outside, like they are on the inside. Because inside that's what I'm doing, doing all of it. Living, totally, alive, totally totally alive in barbie's eyes, under barbie's fingertips... in the soft little curves of the corner of her mouth.
So keep that, that intensity in your mind, when I try, attempt to explain, the impossible.
A week or so ago... she took me into the toy store, and I was in that space I'm in, when I'm watching her just be totally free, and I can feel a part of myself trapped, longing. How to be a kid, was I ever one really, I don't know... I watch her almost skipping through the aisles, sliding from one thing to the next, eyes alight and a live, vibrant, playing... totally there, in the toy store. Inside I'm tight, hopeful, caught in my tall straight confining body... little girl inside, no place to go. Work clothes, nail polish, how can I be free like that? I can't. Anyways... and there we are, in the mouth of this little aisle where they sell balls and sports type toys, and at almost the same moment, our eyes connect on the bats.. padded bats. Beautiful red and black sponge padded T-ball bat, my little subby self sits up and takes notice real quick, My eyes, and my senses, split three ways... my liquifying insides, the red solid soft newness of that hard tender red bat, and barbie's hungry happy excited playful almost malicious, salicious, smile, and the energy movement spiking around her, sharp and metallic, floral and musk, edible, sensual powerful in the air.
We didn't buy one then, but we knew we were going to, we flirted, teased around it... built it up, naturally, the way things dance between us...
Came back later, and they were sold out...
Came back a few days later again, and there we go.. that was yesterday. T-ball bat day. Bought it, home, the night together, alone.
Sore today, like I've never been before, bruised to the bone, feel it, where-ever I sit.
Won't describe, the actual... moments, can't.. it's too much, too good. But if you can just even feel, glimpse a little bit of what it was like by my description of the before, and the after, then maybe you can capture a bit of what was.
Moments, like that.. so so so many of them.
Nuff for now.
XO
Katt