March 7th & 8th- Test of the...

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system, this is only a test.. in the advent of a real emotional crisis... please send money and gifts (no razor blades or other sharp objects)

This bit in red below, was a little blip from the other night.  My lowest low in a while, which is sweet, really when I look at it, cuz I only half felt like crap, because it was short, and it was resolved fast.  The shit I get into emotionally with other women is coming up with barbie and me, but in micro-quantetic (word copyrighted by Katt March, 8 2001) fashion, and when it does come out...  The girl does all the right things.  I tell you... this is like playing Dr. on multiple levels... not just the fondling in a dark room kiddie style, but feeling like there is some exploring, and real healing happening... on a cosmic level. (I hear Cartman in my head saying 'sweet')

So here it is, what I sat and wrote and vented the other night during a blip, and then was 180 degrees better half an hour later... remember, just a test... (do not adjust your set, we will return you to regular scheduled programming.. buah ha ha)

Sliced

Torn spirit flesh
open and gaping
pulse

pushes crimson pain below the surface

want to break it through, cut it open, bleed it out.

Would be a slasher, a cutter, a suicide... some days.
If I had the guts, but I don't.

Just a shell, full of something slippery and dark

The daughter of a martyr who was the daughter of a martyr who was the daughter of a martyr, and I don't know how to do anything else with pain, except turn it over and over in myself, and wallow in it, like some sick drunk, making myself ill on cheap poison, cheap poison pain in my veins.  Filling in the holes where love has left me empty inside.  Reaching all the places and touching me where I want to be touched.  Not what I want to feel, but something... and something is better than nothing, is better.  If you're going to ache, might as well control it, consume it, rather than just let it consume you.

Pain and love... sisters in my skin.  

Own the shit.  Story of my life.  Always looking for the way to make it better, and never finding it.  Too much empty, too much pain, to heal it, to hold it.  

It's the paradox... I want to be owned by the one sister.. I want to be owned by love. I want to be consumed in that fire.  But always in the end... it's the other sister that comes for me.  Pain.  When my time does come to be claimed... It's likely to be pain, that takes me.

And then we worked it all out.. well not -all- of it, do you ever work -all- of it out?  
I have never felt more loved and whole in my entire life.  

Covered in bruises and bites, marked, everywhere, content... aching, wild, happy inside.

I guess the thing is.. I'm greedy, and I want both sisters, pain and love... in one flesh.  Maybe I've found it.  Sweet sweet surrender.

Oh.. must share music.  New total fave song.. totally captures barbie for me.  Hear her voice, see her eyes, feel her inside of me.. when I listen to it.

Fiona Apple... Fast as you can.

It's a gift...
It's a gift...
It's a gift...

 

Because, because, because... 

XO
Katt 

e-mail me!