March 4th - Explosive
Fuck.
I had written a big long journal entry last night, and then the comp. crashed and I lost it all. I was in major process mode, and it was all very good...
Writing mostly about barbie, and my head space around that.
It's so hard to express for me what is going inside of me around that woman.
I have played around with love, falling hard, for people in the last nine years since I've been with Wolfe, often thinking that I was really connecting with people. But really, I'd forgotten what it was like to totally connect with someone on a really deep level. With barbie, it's everything. It feels so so right. It's so many things that I wanted, and so many things that I never expected, all wonderful, some difficult and frightening, because of the intensity and of the changes I feel going on inside of me.
I want to be with her, for ever... in as many ways as possible.
I'm rethinking all my plans... as I learn more and more about who I am, inside of myself, doors opening all over the place.
I just don't have the words, as I fumble here...
And now I'm crying... <smile>... Wolfe is playing the Kate Bush song, Man with the child in his eyes, that barbie associates with Wolfe.. and of course, like everything she does, she just moved right into the very core of everything, summarized, tight, perfect... How can I live without that in my life, now that I've had it?
You move through life, thinking, you've got clear vision, that you know how to see and feel truth, that you have insight, that you have awareness that you know how to listen to what goes on inside of you... and then along comes barbie, and turns up the fucking volume, and all the little things that you thought were just background noise, meaningless static rumbles... are a chorus of voices inside of you, singing their truths... I've multiplied inside.
I wonder if she can know and forgive me, for when that frightens me, and I start to shut down, or get jealous of her touch in someone else. Not that I don't want her to share that gift with everyone, because I do, but because I need it so much right now, I yearn for it so deeply, that as much as I love and take joy in seeing her connect with others, I burn inside for the completion of her contact.. which only time may bring. If I'm to be blessed enough.
I want to give myself over to her totally.. I want to lose myself, in that perfect place, I see when I look into her eyes, I want to be reborn, in that fire.
Our realtor is back in town next week, we called him, we're selling our place.
I wasn't exaggerating when I said she changes everything. I don't want my life like it's been, I need to re-forge the structure around me. I need real people in my life, real friends. I have to stop avoiding people out of being afraid of rejection. I have to stop being trapped by my past hurts. I have to stop playing the shit games with my life that I have been... time's too precious.
I have to move... Wolfe and I are exploring what that's going to look like. Latest plan is to either buy or rent a big house in another neighborhood, Commercial Drive area. And maybe rent some rooms out so that we can make it affordable, have more people in our life, in our space. Hopefully, barbie will be one of those people...
We've been talking about wanting community, wanting friends, and we've been approaching it ass backwards. Like we're going to create something, and other people will come into our space.. when really, we have to break down those walls and move into where the people we want to connect with are. At least learn how to meet half way.
One thing is for sure... When I see, where the right path lies, I'm sure as hell not going to balk at it. I've made mistakes, I see them, things look clear now. Some may think I'm rushing in blindly... but it's exactly the opposite of that. When you know, when you really *know* you have to act on it. Life is an adventure of truths and love.. grab the fucking reigns.
XO
Katt