January 29th - Pushing through...
Sometimes I feel like I can barely see through the fog I feel is everywhere in the world. That I'm pushing my way through a haze in life. Looking for clarity, in a world where everything is obscurity. Subjective, chaotic... where we impose an order of assumptions and theories, conventions, and habits.
After a few exchanges of email with Ty (my last journal entry didn't go over so well) I went back and re-read my last journal entry, and I found it offensive. All I did was switch my perspective when I read it, I tried to see it from the perspective of someone who might feel I was writing specifically about them, rather than the perspective I was in when I wrote it, which was all about me, all about my perceptions and ideas and ideals of relationships and intimacy. In the last entry I started out talking about my relationship issues with Ty and bi-boy, and then I went on to talk about intimacy issues in general, and about relationships, and conventions and life priorities in general.
When I originally wrote it, it was, as almost all my journal entries are, an exploration of my own feelings about relationships, I just think away, and type away, and my mind rolls over and over and I just spew it out. As I was re-reading I realized that even though my mind had wandered around through the entry, it could also be easily construed as the whole journal entry as being applied to a specific individual or group of individuals. I wondered then, if when Ty read it, she read it as the whole thing being about her. When I re-read it thinking like that, I didn't like what I read at all. Re-reading it again then, just looking at it, as if I wasn't a specific person, but just a 'type' of person who may not relate to my unconventionally excessive focus on love/passion/intimacy.. it was, well *yuck* to read.
Reading it from those perspectives, as if I felt it had been written about me as an individual, or as someone in general who didn't relate to my lifestyle, I came across as self-centered, self-righteous, know-it-all person, and sounded as if I was elevating my values above other peoples. Which is something I really abhor in general, and to see myself sounding like that was... *yuck*
One of the things I dislike the most about myself, is when I hear myself sometimes, either in the things I write, or in the conversations I have with people, is coming across as an 'authority' or as someone who 'is right'. It irks me. I do think I'm an authority and I do think I'm right, and I'm passionate about what I believe.. but before you throw some stones... I also think I'm a total fool, and I'm wrong, I don't know a thing... you see, I'm big on encompassing opposites and the spectrums in between.
I have strong feelings and ideas and beliefs about myself and the world, that are about me, and what is right for me. But I think people who disagree with me totally and completely, are just as valid. My beliefs are just that, beliefs. I have no idea, in the great grand scheme of things, if they are any more or less accurate than anyone else's, and I believe that 100%. That my view of life and reality, ideas and ideals.. is as suspect as anyone's, even if I'll argue them with a passion, when it comes right down to it, I don't know any more than the next person, and I'm just going on what works for me. I haven't got a clue (at least I'm honest enough to admit it <smile>).
But we
all have to live by something, so I speak 'my truth' and I say things as I see
them, and sometimes that can be pretty grating to people around me, and to
myself...
I think it's both one of my best qualities, and one of my worst
qualities.
So to anyone who identified from an opposing point of view who read my last journal entry, and thought *yuck*... I'm with you, when I stood in a different perspective, it looked really whacked. However, when I reset my brain to the mode I was in when I was writing it, and thinking about my ideals around relationships and intimacy, and all that, it can switch back into looking like a good thing.. spooky, very spooky... what my brain can do.
So the Ty and bi-boy thing... a parlee of emails with Ty that really was I think us alternating light pokes, and erecting more walls. Somewhere back there, a few months ago, we got to feeling unsafe around one another, and had some mis-communications, and now it seems that we've lost the translation device, and despite repeated attempts... it's like being in a foreign country, and you're trying to get along, but it seems everything either comes out meaningless, or you've just muttered an insult without knowing it. When it comes to Ty's mind, I feel like a tacky tourist with culture shock and just enough of a grasp of the language to get myself in trouble. I say something, she gets frustrated, I get defensive, try to clarify, make it worse... it's a mess. I'm lacking the basic etiquette.
I think we've retreated to the understanding, that maybe it's better to just not go there. Two totally different emotional worlds, one not a more beautiful country than the other, just different. What's a relationship without effective communication? Well we're both grown ups with issues, but a fair bit of growth and restraint, so we've managed to not be too damaging to one another in the process.. but have basically, it seems, 'split up'. I guess it would be crass at this point to ask if future sex was totally out of the question? ( I know I'm such a pig... and I hate playing by the *rules* ).
It's all very foggy stuff.. and I still feel like I'm pushing through the haze... wondering what's what, and wondering then whether all things follow suit with bi-boy, who is of course a whole different individual, and whether all or some or none of the change of relationship status things apply in regards to connection with him... I'm sure that's in part something they'll have to work out as a couple. hanging out yes? nookie no?.. boy-boy nookie yes, boy-girl nookie no?.. who knows. I may have strong views about my own beliefs, ideas, ideals and wants.. but I'm nothing if not respectful of others strong views about their own beliefs, ideas, ideals and wants.
Hmmmmmm...
When I think about the foreign country/language thing... I think maybe I could extrapolate on that.. sometimes I feel like I'm a total alien in the world and culture at large. I hope to encounter more of my species some day, from my planet... where all we want to do is talk and fuck and play all day and mind meld in little puddles. Where we speak the language of liquid gazes, purrrs and growls, and knowing looks... my mind is wandering, and so shall I...
XO
Katt