January 27th - Live in love.
This journal entry would be illustrated, except that my web cam is hooked up to the other computer and the other computer crashed last night. Wolfe I'm sure will deal with it when he gets home tonight. With two computers networked now, and all the different stuff going in and out of them.. well, it's beyond my tolerance level for trying to figure out.
Went to a bdsm play party last night, mostly people watched, I had a little public spanking. Nothing too major, over all a mellow evening.
I've been a bit tired and emotional lately, and I have a pretty good idea what's going on for me. Which doesn't always make it easier. It's really pretty much the same old stuff, though in a lot of ways, much of it has come to the forefront through our relationship with Ty and bi-boy. Or lack of relationship, might be a more accurate statement.
I think when you know what it is you want, and you're not having it in your life, but something else, your awareness of what you really do want, and your desire for it, is just heightened. As nice as what you do have is, it's not the same.
As much as I have cared about Ty and bi-boy, when we get together now, for dinner, or for romance, or for whatever, the spark has really gone out of it for me. I just don't have it for casual relationships. Yes, the meal was great, yes, the conversation was fine, sure the sex was wonderful.. but, so what? You could replace me with a robot, any other person, Ty and bi-boy could be any couple, dinner and sex, things I love, but, well, where's the passion? For me it's somewhere beyond friendship and casual interactions of the mind and body...
When I read over that last paragraph, I think that analysis of where I am in the relationship sounds a bit too emotionally devoid, really, because there is a lot of emotion there for me, much more to it than that. There is also my missing what I thought there was at one point in the relationship, sadness and pain over that. Then the accompanying bitterness for the lack of reciprocity, and then guilt, guilt over my feelings, because I feel like they have no place in the room when the four of us are together, and I don't know what to do with them, those feelings.
I want spirit, intensity, and emotional intimacy. Intimacy, I want intimacy. I know you can have that in friendships, but we don't really, in this one. and I feel at a loss to be able to make it happen, and I feel guilty for wanting it, out of place.
I want to really connect with other people, the way I connect with Wolfe, I want that mutual love, compassion, passion, respect. I know it will be different than what I have with Wolfe... I've connected enough with other people... (and at the beginning of our relationship with Ty and bi-boy I did feel very connected at times) So I know from experience that one connects differently with different people. That's one of the reasons that poly appeals to me.
So in many ways, I feel like I'm 'on the make' again, which isn't really a great feeling. Maybe because I'm aware of how unique a relationship circumstance I'm looking for is. Hmmm, let me see, bi poly person or people of any gender who are emotionally available and intimate who want a long term situation, of a life sharing calibre, who are kink and bdsm friendly, that share similar values and ideals and are basically in touch with who they are. and then there has to be chemistry. spiritual, biochemical chemistry. It's a tall order really. When you think of the odds, It's remarkable how many times I've actually thought that I've been sitting right on the edge of the real deal, just to discover, no, not really, not this time, close.. but no cigar.
It's hard to feel I'm mourning what I see in lots of ways as the 'end' of my relationship with Ty and bi-boy, when they are very likely seeing it in some ways as the beginning? Finally getting to a level of what they wanted? or at least my interpretation of what they have articulated they wanted out of the relationship, as far as I can determine from our conversations, other than more time together...Though for this level of emotional intimacy, more time no longer works for Wolfe and I, I don't think.
We don't really talk about it at all, with them, or anything that deals with emotionally intensive material. And again, that may be just our perceptual bias. Though it feels like they don't want to get into those places with us, in terms of sharing their feelings around challenges they're facing in life, in or outside of this relationship. Which means it really doesn't feel okay to get into my emotional stuff either. Which is what I like to do, I don't like to sit with things, I like to be expressive... which is why I'm writing here really. I need a venue, and in many ways, other than Wolfe, this journal is it.
Why here you may ask? I think rather than keeping a private journal, keeping a public journal.. in some ways, better meets my needs of emotional intimacy, even if it's somewhat unconventional. And yes, intimacy. If you don't feel the intimacy, then that's your limitation, not mine. I'm putting myself out here emotionally, which is what I like to do, putting myself out here, and if you don't want to connect with it, you don't have to, you don't have to read it, or you can read it and dismiss it. Not that dissimilar from my experiences of real life when I think about it.
But sometimes, maybe even often, I do connect with people... Whether they write me or not to tell me, I know I do, it's like I can get a sense of it, that I'm making something concrete, something deliberate that someone may relate to, when I write here. It may not be on the same depth and connection as when someone is holding you in their arms, or vice versa, but it's connection.
The big message, I think is not so much what I say, but that I'm saying it, that you're listening, that people read this stuff, and I write this stuff, because deep down we want to connect with other people. We don't want to live in an emotional vacuum.
God(dess) knows I can't live in an emotional vacuum, I'm hyper aware of my need to connect with people on a deep level. Some people seem to find it threatening. They are made uncomfortable by my degree of exposure, my drive to make what is 'traditionally' private, public. Whether it's what I write here, or in other areas of how I live my life. I think those people, probably deep down, have a deeper need to connect with people than anyone else. Perhaps they are individuals who have suffered at some point, great loss. So afraid that they could experience that suffering again that they work hard to turn away from emotional exposure, intimacy, connection. Often I find myself attracted to those people, who have deep wells of intensity I can feel boiling beneath a controlled exterior... it makes for nightmare dynamics.. me wanting to liberate things in people they may not want exposed. Always pushing at peoples edges, it makes me a good therapist, but sometimes too challenging a life partner.
Are there risks, being emotionally out there? you bet. Do I get hurt? you bet. Over and over and over again. Rejection up the wazzoo. But you know what... I think it's better than the alternative, and, I really do believe, it's the only way to get what I really want way down deep, is to just keep articulating it, this is me, this is who I am, whether you like it or not. This is where I'm coming from, this is what I believe, this is what I want in my life. I'm going to be it, do it. Participate, or move on.
People may see it as hedonistic and self centered, but honestly, I think it's the very first step to social action... how can you liberate anyone, anything, how can you fight for any freedom, if you yourself, are hiding in a hole? I think it's more meaningful, more encouraging and liberating for people to see other people being true to themselves, and free in themselves, than any other constructed form of action.
What would the world be like, if we were really honest with ourselves, and with others... I wonder where it would go.
Honestly, I want people to love in my life. I want to connect, I want intensity, I want to feel. I want to be able to hold my lover in my arms, and see her or him, really on a deep level, and to love and be loved unconditionally. I want to connect over moments of pure joy, and to comfort in moments of pain and sorrow. I want to take care of them, to be taken care of, to share trust and intimacy on a really deep level. I want to be able to cradle my lover in my arms, whether it's to kiss away tears, or to embrace bliss. To grow together, to create family and stability, to encourage connection with oneself as well as with one another. To me, that's what living life fully is about.
Really, I already have it, Wolfe and I, we're there... sometimes though, we feel like it's overflowing from us, we need a bigger container, for all the love and connection.. it's like a life force of it's own, always growing.. and we're hoping, that if we got a bigger container, a bigger family, it would keep growing, and keep spilling over... maybe love is a virus, and we can infect the world... Sometimes I think so.
I flash back to sitting in a local pub, Uncle Charlies, with Wolfe, and Ty and bi-boy, and feeling connected, feeling like maybe there was a bigger container... and feeling peoples response to it, the way people could seem to see and feel the connection. Like they do with Wolfe and I when we're out and about, people tell us that they can sense we have a really special relationship. That Love is nothing to take for granted, or to dismiss or diminish.. love... it's a powerful thing, a really really powerful thing. Something I seem to be mourning and celebrating in a continuous cycle really.
Some people, feel they have more important things to do with their time, other priorities in their lives, or their relationships... other causes, other drives. Love and connection is my priority, relationships, interpersonal dynamics... some mock me for it, but I can't conceive of anything more powerful or important in my life, and I don't wish to.
I hope everyone finds it, creates it, for it's something you need to build yourself, love, love that wants to spill out over the container. (Maybe some day some more of it will roll back my way... selfish me again.. :)
Love and be loved...
Live in love...XO
Katt