January 24th - Body betrayal
I get so frustrated with my physical limitations sometimes, and I wonder how much patience I will have with the aging process. I have been laid up this week, with yet another bladder infection. Came on fast and furious yesterday, sending me out of work first thing in the morning, to the clinic, waiting for the first available Dr. while the feelings of urgency and burning continued to build, not so much pain.. as extreme physical 'agitation'. By the time I was waiting in yet another space, this time for my prescription for antibiotics.. which I hate taking, I was crying uncontrollably, dizzy, and worried I wouldn't be able to stand up and take myself home when the time came. Shaking with the pain of this stupid infection. When I had mentioned to the clinic Dr. that when I next see my regular physician I was going to ask for a referral to a urologist because I've been having more and more bladder infections... when I told him last year I had had four.. he quickly assured me that was well within the realm of 'normal'. I had more bladder infections than colds! I can't believe this is a normal situation.
The
problem with my physical limitations, weaknesses, is that I blame myself for
them.
I think, if only I followed some perfect regime of healthy eating, and
excersize... If I did all the things naturopaths and natural health specialists
recommended for diet to avoid bladder infections, if I took the right
supplements, maybe if I did more kegels...
I mean, over all, I know I'm relatively healthy, that I don't have a great diet, but I don't have a really terrible one either. That I don't have a really great exercise regime, but I don't have a really terrible one either. The problem is, as much as I know that I'm taking pretty good care of myself, a big part of me is a perfectionist of a sort, and I'm always aware that there is a 'better' right up the next rung... and it's hard not to lay blame for not being that next rung up.
It's not just on the deeper level of care about health and well being.
It's also on the more superficial level of physical appearances. I get
frustrated with myself for not meeting my goals of having more muscle, less body
fat... less cellulite.
Frustrated at my lack of total seeming control over my body... how ridiculous
really, when you think about it.
I
wonder how much of my showing off of my body is looking for assurances of
my attractiveness, when It's a state I question constantly... It would
explain my temptation, my occasional pondering, of the idea, of posting a series
of pictures of my worst sides.
You see I always edit my pictures, showing only the ones I like, avoiding areas
of my body I don't like, unflattering angles, unflattering folds and
ripples. The images are a very narrow and cleaned up view of who I
am. Part of me wants to expose all of those parts too... what would happen
then?... Would I still be attractive? Would people write me with abusive
comments?... What is the exposure all about? What am I looking for really
when I contemplate that concept, am I wanting acceptance for all of myself, or
am I seeking confirmation of my own negative self perceptions? Do they really
contradict, because really, when I think about it, I want both... I expect
both. The dichotomy of being 'good' and 'bad'. Maybe it's part of my
gemini nature <smile>
I don't
think I'd be able to post those pictures though. The ones I edit
out.
I don't know.. maybe one day. But for now, I'll stick with the concept of
presenting my 'good' side. At least in terms of blemishes and bumps,
ripples and lumps and all the rest of that.
Whether we like it or not, the world is very much about image, in a lot of ways. We're a very visual animal, and we have distinct preferences, and associations when it comes to what we take in visually.
I
know for myself, that I'm fascinated with the visual world, and with the concept
of image and symbol. I like using photographic media, because it's working
with the immediate environment, with the real... especially with people. I
have so many ideas for photographic images...
I think I'm going to need to start convincing people I know to get naked for me and the camera soon... <smile>
I'm particularly interested in doing some BDSM and fetish photography, with single models and with more than one model as well. Black and white, or sepia tones, monochromatic work definitely, and with real focus on line, shadow, simple composition, trying to create tension, movement, evoke tactile sympathetic responses, emotional stirrings... It's a lot to ask out of image, I hope I'm up to the challenge.
For now, the challenge I'm up to, is taking my body, my body of betrayal filled with warring bacteria and antibiotics and putting it to bed.
Hoping I feel better for the webmistress meet tommorow night. Though I haven't heard from anyone local to say they might be there to meet me... <sigh> no fans.. <pout> ... <grin>.
That's okay, If I'm going I think I'll be happy to be keeping a relatively low profile. It looks like Wolfe will be working late, so I probably won't have anyone to take pictures for me that night anyways... bummer.
Enough for now... oh! and happy Chinese New Year! health, wealth and happiness to everyone. The year of the snake... temptation in the garden?
XO
Katt