December 31st - Long time no see!
I know I have been totally neglectful of the site, and all my guests, paying and non-paying alike. I promise to make a new years resolution, to get back on track with cam shows and more content, photo shoots, and to do some exciting stuff....
Not just for you guys, but for me too, I'm missing my creative erotic outlet here, as well as missing writing in my journal.
Why have I been so lax lately? Well I think a lot of it is the time of year, not only have I been really physically busy, in terms of work, visiting family and friends, some travelling, holiday parties, etc.. but I find that this time of year is very emotionally busy as well.
There is something about the season, that for me, and many people I know, brings up a lot of emotional stuff. In order to cope with everything on both the day to day material living end of things, as well as the emotional-mental end of things, I've needed to simplify and unclutter my life in the last little while, and working on this site is one of the things I had to pare way down on. Not to mention that we had some internet problems and couldn't access or do any work on the site ourselves for over a week at one point, thankfully, our site provider was not affected and the site was up.. just without the live cam and without my ability to access or update.
I've had so much going on, that it's hard to know where to begin here today in my journal, what to leave in and what to leave out.. because I can't possibly write about it all!... I'm also torn between wanting to look back over the last few days, weeks, year? or look ahead to the new year that begins tommorow.
Maybe in part that's what the emotional turmoil of this time of year is, it's a time where we assess all that is going on in our lives, what has been.. our past, where we are, and where we want to go in the future. In the dark of the winter, we take measure of our lives, maybe the ending of the year, and the season where everything sleeps, some things dying, reminds us of our own mortality, and like the old coming to the end of their lives and looking back and taking measure on what life has been for them, we do that in some small regard.
Look back, and see what has been, and are reminded, of the passage of time, the passage of life, and for some of us, we have questions of a deep and personal nature that stir inside of us... articulated to our consciousness or not.. but on some level, on being part of that great cycle, when the wheel of the year turns, part of us turns with it.
What have we done, what have we gained, what have we lost, who have we been... who are we now, who do we want to be, where are we going, is there enough meaning in our lives, enough depth, what are we looking for, to feel contenment and deep peace, that we can be reborn into the new year, into a new life, into the inevitable spring that always follows...
and sometimes knowing what you want, is not enough, and that is always part of the problem, part of the loss, is our constant want for things we cannot have. There are always those things... hopes and longings for something just beyond our grasp, things over which we have no control. What life brings us, the hearts and actions of others around us, the simple chaos that weaves itself through all things... That we cannot mold and form life to some ideal around us, but rather we have to find our happiness in the actual place of things. Try and change the world.. yes, try and encourage others to grow and to love.. yes.. but don't bank your happiness on the end of evil, it won't happen. There will always be those things that you cannot affect, peoples whose actions and choices cause you pain, and... the trick I think, is to love it all regardless, and as always be as true as you can to your own heart, your own being, and let others around you take responsibility for their own.
I look back, and I see things I've wanted in my life, that I have not had, people I've lost, some who have entered the winter, and not woken to spring again. Life, and love, fragile things that come, and then pass. But when I look at the big picture, the constant cycle, the overwhleming beauty and good of things, of all the things I've wanted in my life.. that I DO have.. how wonderful things can be, how good I can feel inside.. how there have been so many perfect moments of bliss.. and that I know that when I listen and trust myself and let it all go in a big embrace of acceptance.. that I can find those moments again, create and recreate them in my life, despite of pitfalls and pains.. there is some security, and some peace.
There are very few things we can count on in life, and death, pain, loss, and change, are some of those things, that we can count on, yet we fight them, we turn away from them, as a culture, we try to deny our mortality, hide our pains and losses, fear change.. we struggle often against the inevitable, and so perhaps struggle is something we can count on as well...
Some
may find this a morbid train of thinking, this delving around inside looking at
the 'dark side', something usually, most of us, turn our face from.
I think in part, that may be where a lot of our social problems come from... the
denial and avoidance of some of these inevitable areas of life. But you
know, I find it reassuring, to try to look at life in it's holism, even though I
know I can't possibly do it, can't possibly wrap my mind around the great
expanse of 'everything'... I find it reassuring sometimes, to sit in the
'dark', to sit with my pain, to sit with my loss... to reflect on death,
something that many cultures of old traditionally have done at this time of
year.. and I think even though for many of us, the traditions have been
lost, Part of you remembers and inside, you feel your soul drawing to that
dark within... seasonal depression, reflecting on losses.. and many of you may
struggle there, in the dark, not wanting to sit with it...
but the other part of that old ritual is once you've sat with it for a while... is to realize, is to look at the big wheel, as it starts to turn...
the dawn of the year is coming,
spring will come,
life is ever present,
love is ever present..
light is ever present,
be thankful.
Embrace all of your being, stop the struggle, and walk into the new year with as much of the big picture as you can hold within you, in knowing, that you are inside of it all, part of it all connected...
...and it's all good.
XO
Katt
