December 18th - Not quite open & shut
Hmmmm, Christmas is bearing down on us with a vengence. Work is insane, which I kind of like, but it's going to take a bit to adjust to the stress level involved. I haven't been training hardly at all in kickboxing over the last couple of months.. and my fitness level has dropped and I'm finding my classes a struggle. I think I have a little case of the winter blues, as I curled up in my bed last night and had a little weepy episode.
Life over all, is good. When I look at the big picture, I feel I have so very little to complain about. On the other hand, there are little things, which don't seem so little, that kind of wear at my emotional edges on an ongoing basis.
Sometimes, even if you have a lot to be happy for, if there is something, that is central to how you would like your life to be, and it seems, like it's just out of grasp, just not quite working... and you think, why? why can't it just be different.
We're feeling like that in a couple of areas in our life right now, with Wolfe's family, and with Ty and bi-boy. The hardest part, is knowing when to let go of stuff that's not working, sometimes you never let go, and if you do let go, how to continue on with the new or remaining parts of a relationship when you let go of other parts.
I know with my own mother, there were a lot of things, that I spent a long portion of my life, wanting from her, and it was only recently that I could let those things go, and realize, I'm not going to get that from her, as much as I want those things, she is not going to deliver, and transformed my relationship with her on that basis. With my mother though, the issues in some way were more clear cut, I really knew, that things with her, were not going to change, and that maintaining hope in that was damaging and futile. I feel our relationship really improved when I allowed myself to have realistic expectations of the woman that she is, and will likely continue to be for the rest of her life. Sometimes though it doesn't come through quite as clearly as it did with the situation with my mother.
I think the bottom line, is in some ways, I'm very focused, on squeezing the very best out of what life has to offer me. This is it, I want to make every moment count, I want to make choices that are going to lead me to amazing and wonderful, rich and intense, and meaningful experiences for me. I think more than anything else, I want to share my life with people who have the same priorities, particularly in terms of relationships. Priorities that aren't based around the material/phsyical, around structure, around patterns, but rather priorities that are based around feelings, caring, and respect. I have to acknowledge, that for me it's not enough that the people I love are a priority in my life, but that ultimately, I must also be a priority in theirs. I guess it comes down to that issue of maintaining balance in a relationship, in order to make it a successful relationship.
A priority, can be a hard thing to let go of, feelings, intensity, can be a hard thing to let go of.. they feel like ambiguous out of control parts of me, that keep rebuilding themselves whenever I try to even begin to deconstruct them. Yet I think on a deep level, I know thats what I need to do, to create balance. I just don't know quite how to do it yet, quite how it has to look, that letting go. Because really, maybe, there's not much that needs to change externally.. just those inside, priority feelings, those hopeful longings, that if things could only just be... if we just... but I'm starting to think, that no, work on the letting go, let go of the hopeful longings, let go of the 'if only just..' and just meet things where they are at. Does that mean the things I need can just be banished, and slip away.. definitely not, that's a part of who I am, but maybe what I need to recognize, is sometimes you need to shut some doors before you can open others.
XO
Katt