December 5th - Job, Poetry, Love, Stuff.
New job has me hopping... It's always that way with a totally new work environment, and new sets of skills. A bit overwhelming... introduced to dozens of people at the work place.. they all know who I am, the new person, with the weird name, and the weird hair, younger than most of the other people working there... a little, different. Frantically trying to remember at least a handful of names, at least the important people. Plus the hundreds of other critical facts I need to absorb to be able to do my job. Feeling a little faded. Missing my mornings in bed and journalling with greater frequency.
Keeping myself sane by writing poetry in odd moments between intensive 'orientation' sessions. Looking like I'm taking notes.. I scribble things like...
eased
into place
frantic rat race
under observation
for indiscretions, abilities
taken to task
wearing
the professional mask
moving with smiles
through rigid turnstiles
under probation
subjegation
new job...
That's when I'm not thinking about Ty and bi-boy and Wolfe, and writing even less appropriate poetry...
When
I stand in your eyes
I see the path unwind
a bright ribbon into time
Pushing at my breath
your kisses leave me sticky
in my depths
I'm addicted to the view
to the intensity
of when I connect with you
to the slow motion blink of seductive lashes
as you move in to meet my lips
to the fast forwardfrenzy, as that wet taste
hot wires my hips
Somewhere between that beginning moment
when I stand in your eyes
to the moment where I remember
I need to breath air
and not the tantric ether of your kisses
I find myself watching the path unwind
breathless, a bright ribbon
in to time.
Life
is weird, my body is doing strange things.. I've been 'almost sick' for a
couple of weeks now, fighting a bug or two, and my body just feels
*weird*. I feel faded a bit, ethereal, sometimes emotional, sometimes
edgy, sometimes tired, all over the place. Some of it I attribute to
viruses, some to work changes, some probably to being in love, in a new and
intense and unusual love with Ty and bi-boy that is sorting itself out. After
a few months it still feels very brand new, though, old comfortable shoe like
sometimes too... an odd mix. I still feel pretty positive over all
about everything.
Weird.. Wan, wired, weepy, wild, wilted... but happy.
Dancing,
spirits fly
soaring, emotions high
twisted
I'm a strange thing
cornered myself again
afraid... and why?
over taken, with my glimpse
of perfect sky
Little lost girl
I ask myself... why do you cry?
Rambling
like a fall leaf torn from its tree
no longer constrained to the pattern
of the limb
unbruised by city concrete
dancing, with the wind
humbled by the context
liberated by my place
in the pattern
Was
talking with Wolfe the other day, a few days ago now, about relationships, and
differences, how I connect differently with him, than I do with bi-boy, than I
do with Ty. About different kinds of intensity, different movements in
the soul. It's like other things in life.. intense moments, beautiful
moments... perfect snowflake landing on your glove, slipping into an almost
too hot bath, both create a totally different shift inside. Cold wet
puppy noses, sun rises.. thunderstorms... they all create different
intensities, different connections. How can you measure preferences? why
would you consider evaluating whether you prefer one or another? Why
would you contemplate not loving sunrises? Would it affect your relationship
with thunderstorms... ? Different dances of equally perfect moments...
different loves, the old adage of comparing apples to oranges, pommegranites
and papayas... :) I have different loves, no less meaningful, no less
intoxicating, no less edible. I could live on Wolfe's love alone I
think... Wolfe's loves meets my emotional nutritional needs, his kisses,
perfect food for my soul. But I have other cravings too... I told him,
beside my basic needs for you... Some loves are comfort foods, a gentle mellow
full, others like cotton candy, so sweet, melt in your mouth.. but lacking any
real substance, empty emotional calories. Some loves spicey, others
bland, some intoxicating, stimulating, others relaxing, some trigger cravings,
obsessions...
I admit it, I'm a hedonist, and always a sucker for the all you can eat buffet
tables...
Speaking of loves, cravings, and obsessions. I'm missing Ty's soft embrace, and bi-boys breathy kisses. You know you've got it bad, when you lie in bed at night before you go to sleep, and you imagine, those absent loves there, around you. Trying to create them in absence in that space in your mind. I'm going to go there now, make a nest for myself between Wolfe, and the blankets, my arrangement of pillows, close my eyes, and use my imagination.
XO
Katt