December 1st - Poly and stuff
I had an interesting day.. transitional, in many ways. Was my last day of my old job, I start my new job on monday, saying goodbye to the staff and the clients I currently work with.
One of the grrls I work with came out with me after work, we went and had a couple of beers and then saw a movie... Unbreakable.. which I thought was the worst movie I've seen in a really long time, but I'm not going to get into a critique here. Then hung out some more, she came out to the local polyamory meet we go to.
I had a really nice time with her, again, I enjoy chatting with people that I can just totally be myself with, and can feel like I can just not have to edit myself in any way.
As nice a time as I had though, I felt... off, all day and evening. I think part of it was not feeling well, and another part of it, a big part of it, was missing Ty, and bi-boy. Particularly Ty, because I had hoped to connect with her tonight, and over all I spend less time with her than bi-boy. It was interesting to sit in the context of the poly meet, and participate in conversation around polyamory and that lifestyle, to talk about my sexuality, spirituality, beliefs and dreams around poly, and to feel seperate from my relationships, and to be missing the people that I'm 'poly' with in my life, and how the experience of discussion and reflection is similar and different to the actual life I'm living.
I think I have the awareness, the painful awareness, that the relationship I have with Ty and bi-boy, isn't enough for me. Is and isn't, right now it is, good, and I love it when we spend time together. Had a really nice time just hanging out the other night. Sometimes I feel like a hopeless romantic.. I could spend my life watching bi-boy cook, watching Ty doing.. anything... Last night I just enjoyed sketching her while she was reading for a bit. I feel.. smitten <smile>. At the same time, I feel like things are off balance. I wonder where that feeling of 'not enough' comes from... They are enough as people, more than enough, and I love them very much, and that's some of where the not enough comes from for me. I'm also aware, that there isn't really a lot I can do about that feeling, of it not being enough, not enough time, not enough contact, not enough intensity, for me. And if my options don't involve having more now, is opting for less going to be any better? how could it be? Right now, it's mostly enough. But I kept feeling today, tonight, that where I wanted to be, was with Ty. Just in the same space... wanting to share more, more often. How it feels to just hold her, or be held by her. That enigmatic unreadable presence of her spirit in her eyes, that is so close and so far away all at the same time. I think of how many times I've just been alone with her, or the two of us have made love, just the two of us, and I can't give an exact number, but I know.. it's too few.
Sometimes I feel alone in the relationship... and it's not something I can explain or articulate well, just feeling sometimes that I love too much, and that it isolates me.
I feel a lot of confusion, but at the same time, I know what works when it's working, for me, and what doesn't. I know how good I feel, when I connect, spend time with, am with, Ty and bi-boy... and I know how much I hate to go home or watch them go home at the end of the evening. That little voice in the back of my head, feeling, thinking... wouldn't it be so nice, so much easier.. if this was home, already, all of us here, in the same space? Or not. I don't think there's the safety for that in the relationship yet, as much as a big part of me would like it to be, never mind the fact that I may be the only person in the relationship that may want that. I don't know what anyone else wants.. really, at least I don't feel I do, and I don't even know if they know what they want or not, and sometimes I don't know how to even begin to find out. Thank goodness there is no product our there that renders people irresistable to others.. I would abuse it to meet my own selfish purposes in an instant.
I guess, really, I'm not sure what I want. Partly because what I want depends on coming together with what other people want, and I have no idea what that is. I feel like I've been spun around too many times and I've lost my direction sense... I know what Wolfe wants, as a big picture, as an ideal, but I don't know if,how, when he wants that with Ty and bi-boy... I know he's gaurded in his feelings around that. Which feeds into my feelings of being alone in the relationship.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm 'imbalanced' in some way, to love so much, and to want to be loved so much.. am I obsessed with the concept of sharing love?... I don't know. What I do know, is I have a hard time letting go of the feelings an images about what I hope and dream of, and I'm afraid.
I'm really afraid. I'm afraid of losing what I already have in longing for more. I'm terrified of the feelings of 'not enough' that I have increasing, and becoming more than just feeling off every once in a while, or feeling a bit of longing or melancholy.. to bite deeper. I'm terrified of Ty getting pregnant, what changes that might bring in the relationship... how that could trigger me. I guess I have to recognize how much I want to be a part of that whole process, yet how totally helpless I am to have any power, to include myself. How really, sometimes I don't feel I have even the right or the voice to mention my longings.. and that doing so is a dangerous thing, that could rip what I do have away from me... precarious. Sad. I marvel at all the feelings I have, in being in this place, in this relationship.. and wondering where I can go with that.. how... feeling as powerless as I do, feeling like I can choose between not enough, or less than not enough... or? the other choices, aren't mine to make.... unless someone has that product that will render me irresistable to others.. <smile>...
I
know.. I'm a bit hopeless...
<kiss>
Katt