November 29th - Here we go again...
I can't believe December is right around the corner. That's such a cliche thing to say, like talking about the weather, but it's true. It feels like time is just flying by. Is it really almost Christmas? Have I really been dating Ty and bi-boy for about 4 months? Where does all the time go? (cliche cliche cliche).
I've been in an odd mood lately, and definitely in terms of not feeling like writing much, which is strange for me, usually I can't wait to journal. I feel very still inside, in a good way. Really happy lately, deeply happy. I have the occasional surface turbulance.. little emotional ripples, but I feel like I'm content on a deep level.
Like I know I'm on the right path.. I don't really know where it's headed, I'm not sure exactly what the scenery is going to be like. I'm aware that I might find a bridge out ahead and that I might lose track of the markers, wander off and struggle back to it again.. whatever, but I know, I'm moving, moving in the right direction, on the path, right now. I have an idea of what I'd like to encounter, and I'm working towards that, but you know... the world is beautiful. If I don't happen to make all the stops along the way that I might have dreamed of, it's still all good.
There's a place that will be opening a few doors down from us that is going to host play parties for the BDSM community... that I've become involved with, and I'm excited about that. It's like anything else though in life, full of complexities. There are a lot of politics in our local BDSM community right now, with some hostilities being directed from various people towards the individual who is the main motivational force behind this project, which is going to make it challenging for me. But you know what... I'm going to be involved and stay focused anyways.. on the positive, and on creating something positive, and try and reconcile with what comes my way as best I can. That's actually going to be my job in a way.. 'member service manager', basically conflict resolution, complaints department, damage control, etc, etc. I know though, even in my drive to stay 'neutral' and to focus on supporting individuals and community in a non-judgemental way, to try and encourage growth for individuals and for community.. there are always going to be people that are going to read into that their own stuff.
As well as that little project, I'm also starting a new job next week. A full time job.. basic 9-5 monday to friday type thing. I'm going back to the ranks of management and taking a supervisory position at work. So my time on the website will be rearranged, with a focus on my presence on evenings instead of days. Though over all, members that have been around for a while may have noticed that my availability on the live cam and in chat has decreased. Unfortunately, that's going to be the nature of the site for a while. We're still always building into it, taking pictures, adding things. But we'll have periods of more, and periods of less.. cycles of productivity. It's not, and probably won't ever be able to be our main source of livelihood, and so has to take a backseat to other life responsibilities. Can be hard sometimes, because it's something I really do enjoy.
Took a bunch of pictures last night of Wolfe, and look forward to doing more. I love making pictures. We want to create a site within this site of 'boy' pics.. purrrrrrr. I'm hoping to photography with other people in the future. I know I'd like to get more of Bi-boy, Ty (if she'll let me)... and I'm thinking sometime next year I'll start to look into getting volunteer models for different parts of the site. I think part of my reluctance to get models has been that I don't want to pose with people in a sexual context that I don't feel really close to, it's just not my thing, but I'm hoping I can find people to pose alone or with one another for the site, and I can just work on the photography aspect of it. I'd like to enlarge so we have an area that's exclusively boys. I'd like to have a really big BDSM area. I'd like to have some areas that explore different fetishes, as well as the hair fetish area. Actually as seperate sites, but all under the erotimania umbrella. Where if you have a membership to one of them, you'd have to all of them. Will see what happens.
Wolfe and I have been talking a lot about 'family' lately.. Our relationship with Ty and bi-boy has really got us thinking about the nature of our own relationship and our dreams. Especially because they are working on starting a bio family.
I think also, this time of year, Christmas, tends to bring out thoughts of family for both Wolfe and I. About still hoping for a poly style family, though if that doesn't happen what our family of the two of us will look like... and the possibility of adopting a child one day or not.. or?
I think in some ways we feel some kind of clock ticking.. even though we've chosen not to create a biological child together.. we still feel like the time in our lives is arriving where we want to create a 'family', we want to connect with community, we want to be a part of a larger group that extends outwards in a meaningful way. I think often we feel we can do that, just the two of us, and it's good, and other times... we long for something 'grander'... <smile>.
It's also a matter of not 'settling'... There are people out there in the poly community with common goals that we could create 'insta-family' with.. but it has to be about depth as well, about real connection... I guess, we're looking for spiritual kin, family on a deep and personal level. We've found it with one another, and tasted it lingering in the background as a potential with bi-boy and Ty, though the reality is, poly families is a whole new concept to them, and as much as I can slide someone I love into that fantasy.. I can imagine what it might be like to be the recepient of that, I think of the horror of me never conceiving of being in a particular role... say conventional bare foot and pregnant housewife, and then meeting and falling in love with someone who idealizes me in that position.. ouch.
So.. I'm trying to be leery of my own fantasies and making a conscious effort not to push anyone into that image, even in my own brain, though I was definitely guilty of that more often earlier in the relationship. Now I just enjoy what is, the beautiful here and now. I sit with my own longings, and keep them (mostly private) counsel between Wolfe and I. But that clock ticking thing... I can't totally quell those feelings of yearning, and I guess with that, some anxiety and some feelings of loss.
Then I ask myself, why wasn't I born like most other women.. and just wanted monogamy and a baby, and I would have everything in place to just fill those longing ticking parts of me up?... Instead I long for weird and complicated stuff, that's going to be hard to find a 'fit' for in the 'real world'.. but I guess pretending that it's not what I want isn't going to make it go away...
I know, I blather on about this stuff ad nauseum, but it's really where my hearts at.
(Didn't I write about all of this just recently... I keep on telling myself, I'm not, but then that's what comes out when I sit alone with myself and just listen).
Okay... time to stop!... big snuggly blankets and chocolate are calling to me, emotional needs substitutes at their finest.
XOX
Katt