November 20th - ARgh!

Well our computer totally died on the weekend.  Friday night or saturday, I can't remember, I've tuned it out.  Luckily we had everything important backed up on disk. Unfortunately, it wasn't a problem that was easy and cheap to fix or replace, we needed a whole new computer.   

Something we can't afford.  But something we can't not have either.  So it wasn't an option... Out with the already over taxed visa.  <groan>  Expensive, way too expensive.  Especially once you piled on the extended warranty... we didn't want to deal with this again a year from now!

Wolfe spend many many hours setting things up, and there are still so many little things that need to be done, things I have no idea how to do, and here I am alone with the machine trying to get things done.  Oh well, it will come together eventually, and visa will be payed off eventually, some day, really... I keep telling myself this.  :)  (What's my mantra... we move in the direction of our expectations...)

Other than that had a lovely weekend.  Got to spend lots of yummy time with Ty and bi-boy.  Though I have weird impotency issues with them... on a scale I haven't experienced before. It's like I get very very aroused, ride the edge, but part of me doesn't want to let go... I can't hit the big O.  It's some really deep level stuff going on for me that I can't access very well.  I know it's all me, and all in my head, and I know it's fear/trust based stuff that I'm creating... but that's about all I know.  I know as soon as I'm alone with Wolfe... bam! I can be off in a flash. I also know I find it easier, though still difficult one on one with either of them, but together it's compounded.  Weird. I can read my emotional state as one of insecurity, but I don't fully know what the insecurity is wired around.  I think it's compounded with Wolfe being there too, because I think I worry about what is going on for him.  So in terms of my arousal abilities... the more people you throw in there now, the more my body starts to shut down on me. Honestly the orgasms aren't that important to me... feeling connected is, and that's one way to feel connected, but there are other ways too.

I could talk about the hot tub party I went to on sat night, was fun, but we only stayed for a short while, was more interested in getting my quad addictions met.. I think part of me wanting to have activities scheduled, things like parties, or places to be/go that aren't dependent on being together with Ty and bi-boy is my trying to distract myself from my desire to spend time with them... not wanting to deal with rejection, or rather, maybe more accurately wouldn't be rejection, just different needs for time sharing.   I know out of the four of us, I'm the person who would be happiest to spend the most time together, even if I'm just hanging out and tagging along, and I have to make an effort to remove myself at regular intervals.  I don't want to feel as if I'm always being asked to leave, so I don't want to wait until that point happens.  Not that I don't mind being asked to leave...  It's not me I'm worried about, it's being a pain to other people, I don't want to feel like I'm constantly taxing people, I want to remove myself -before- I start to get to be too much.  I guess I don't like being identified as the emotionally greedy needy snuggle slut I truly am.. <grin>.  So I try to move around with my independent side showing more... which is tricky, because it's there.. but right now it just wants to cuddle too.  Not that I don't like being alone, not that I don't like soaking in the tub, painting my nails, reading my book and listening to jazz in happy solitude... I'd just prefer to be scrubbing someone elses's back in the tub, painting someone elses toes, reading my book with my back curved against someone else reading their book... and being quiet with another body around.  I do have needs for genuine solitude.. I just don't run into them often.  

Then there's Wolfe, tucked away in his own little quiet cave of emotional solitude... In regards to the whole relationship, he's just decided to curl up for a while, and wait.  
I check in everyonce in a while with him, and get a similar set of answers to my queries.  He can be so skeptical and difficult, reserved, judgemental.  I have a hard time, as I'm being swept away... wondering how he can remain so still, unmoved in things... cautious.  Then I feel guilty, because I wonder how much of it is from my emotional baggage, hurts of mine that he's witnessed or been subjected to from past events that I've moved past and gotten over, but he's worried will come around again.  Though it's not me he's protecting... (I'm running around naked again in the wind... he's the one curled in the cave).  I know he's protecting his own butt... even though he doesn't necessarily show it, more sensitive than me in some ways.  When I talk to him, about the poly lifestyle we've talked about, I wonder, because as much as he can talk about wanting to create a family like that, from an intellectual level, and from an emotional needs level.  
When it comes to actual relationships... I wonder whether he'd be able to build the trust needed to actually do it, and take that step, or rather steps, involved.  Perhaps though, he has a better more realistic perspective on things, and is keeping better pace and balance than I am in relationships?  I try not, myself, to revisit that fantasy too often right now. Not only may we not connect with people who want to go there with us in life... Wolfe may not go there himself, even though he says he wants to... So, better for me to be more firmly in the present, and find contentment there.  Definitely, life is good, and I have so many wonderful things to enjoy.  Things are complete.. I'm just greedy.  <smile>

Okay, let me get into one other weird thing before I go.  Because I was so freshly reminded of this from getting to play and connect with a beautiful baby that was at the hot tub party with her parents.  This baby thing... Which is about a place I've always been with babies, mothering, relationships involving children.  That this is just who I am, and feels right to me.. but like other things in my life, is totally unconventional.  I've always wanted to be a mother by proxy... not directly. As a little girl, I used to think what I wanted was to adopt.  Then, when my best friend got pregnant when we were teenagers, and we were very close... I got the idea, that I could be a parent/god parent to a child, that was born from a woman that I loved, and to be able to share my life with that woman and her child... was a really powerful concept for me emotionally (now I'm starting to tear up as I write this).  I have no idea, why I'm wired this way... Why I don't have the drive to make one of my own, the way most women do... I don't have that at all, ideally what I want is to have a lover/girlfriend/wife/partner/best friend.. who wants me as a central part in their child's life.  It all started back then with my best friend getting pregnant in high school... Though she ended up not carrying the baby to term.  It was the first of a few false start pregnancies she had were we discussed the idea of me helping her to raise her child.  Though... her and I were never lovers, I loved her dearly.  When she finally did give birth, it was after our close friendship of many years had ended.  I have always always, wanted to have a very special relationship with a child, that oddly enough was not biologically my child, and preferably a child who I had a close relationship to the mother.  Odd, I know, but it's who I am.   

Sometimes I really wish I was a different person.. because you know.. I think it would be a lot easier to get my needs met in life, if I was a tad more conventional in regards to the nature of those needs.  I think like many people feel, as I get older, I start to feel more and more a sense of potential loss around these things... like soon, I'm just going to have to let some of my dreams go.         

I think it's were a lot of the difficulties in this relationship came from as well.  Since Ty and bi-boy are at a stage in their life, where they're wanting to start a family.. that triggered a lot of things for me.  I think I got really swept up in my own hopes and dreams in a way that was premature, and very selfish.  It was really hard for me not to do.  I'm struggling with that still... and I think it's something I need to keep aware of, so I'm not crossing boundaries.   

I think a big part of that realization hit for me the other night. Hard in some ways to write this, because I know Ty reads it... Is that when I was playing with that baby, there was a part of me working all this stuff over.  I was engaging that baby, and as I was doing it, I became aware that I was hoping Ty would be moved by me connecting with the baby, that she would relate to something in me that wanted to nurture and be moved by that.  You know how they talk about women finding men who connect with babies attractive because it triggers some maternal mating instinct they have... I wanted that.  Half of me was engaged with this amazing baby, and the other half was wanting to connect it with my girlfriend chatting on the couch behind me.  How crazy is that?  

What I'm hoping for now, is that I can keep a lot of my emotional needs around this kind of stuff, seperate, from this relationship, and keep them in check.  Especially, because I can see that getting more challenging for me, as time goes on, particularly when pregnancy becomes involved... and I know that's going to happen for Wolfe too.  
I think I'm also hoping, for some understanding, leniency, around stuff I can't contain/seperate all the time, because I know as much as I try and keep parts of myself in check... there is going to be stuff that is going to be hard for me.  

I don't expect, anything more out of the relationship, than the wonderful intimate friendship we have now, and I value it greatly. 

I think a lot of my fear, around intimacy, around letting my guard down, Have to do with feeling like, the person I am, is going have some challenges, some hurts, around maintaining this relationship, and it's not my pain that I fear, it's being rejected for it.  It's around fearing my inability to keep my hurts hidden.. and not being accepted for the person I am... a person who has a lot of very strong feelings, and with a lot of strong love and longings, comes a lot of strong hurts and losses.  I don't regret them, really, I don't. What would be the point in regretting or denying who you are, and what you long for in your heart?  Better for me, to embrace it.  Better to embrace your dreams, even if they lay forever unfulfilled, than to hide from them, and pretend you are someone you are not... your dreams will still be unfulfilled, and you may show less surface hurt to yourself and others.. but denying your spirit... what cost is that? 

 I have been so fulfilled, so many times over, already in my life, just by knowing and listening to who I am, and living true to that.  That I could die tommorow, or I could never have another dream come to fruition, and on a deep level I would be happy... I would mourn some things, but I think true happiness, comes from just being, and being true.  

XO
Katt 

 

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